the wandering eye

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
the wandering eye
2
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:23pm
Hello!

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years now and he clearly has a wandering eye. It doesn't bother me so much when he just looks at another woman and turns away, but latley it's been worse. He has a habit of litterally making a 360 degree turn to look at someone. I've confronted him about this and told him that it makes me feel very uncomfortable. His response is that looking at other people is normal and he's going to do it no matter what I say. He also told me he doesn't care if I look at other men. I find it to be a little disrespectful becuase he always does it when we're together. I've gotten advice from friends to do the same thing (the 360) and he will stop. Is that a good idea?? Any advice will be helpful :)

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:12pm

Yes, it is disrespectful to turn around and stare at another woman when with your girlfriend. Not only is it disrespectful but it is a sure fire way to cause your partner to feel shaky and lose self esteem. It says to her that there are others who are attractive and she is just one of a group. While it's natural to look, there are many ways to do this without shaming your partner or making a display. The most troubling part of your email is that although you've told this guy how you feel, he has no intention of respecting your feelings. That is a real warning signal to me. That response on his part is abusive. It's even more disrespectful than turning around to look.


Take a little time out and really examine this relationship. Are you sure it is healthy for you? Do you want to play these kinds of games? The foundation for most uplifting relationships is that both parties are eager and willing to respect the needs and feelings of their partners. Why stay with someone who won't??


Best wishes,

Mental Health Support and Relationship Advice


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:15pm
::He has a habit of litterally making a 360 degree turn to look at someone.

So not only his he disrespectful to you, but disrespectful to the women he 'gawks' at.

Seven Signs You Should Run From Your Partner (Read #2)

By Rinatta Paries

The relationship questions asked most frequently are all basically the same. First people will explain certain undesirable behaviors their partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate these behaviors or whether they are making too big an issue of them.

There are, in fact, certain behaviors that should not be tolerated because they damage and will eventually destroy the relationship.

If you are in a brand-new relationship and your partner exhibits one or some of the behaviors below, you may want to consider walking away. If you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache and heartache then you bargained for.

If you are in a committed relationship and are invested in staying, or if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already invested time, effort and your heart into the relationship, the relationship may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to make issues worse rather than better.

Finally, if you are married, you probably want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.

1. Excessive Flirtation

People in committed relationships, even in early committed relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes their partner uncomfortable.

Here is the measuring stick: If your partner tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and neither of you flinches, the flirtation is OK. Otherwise it is not and you should be rightly bothered. This is, of course, assuming that you are not overly insecure and that you do not view any interaction your partner has with others as flirting.

2. Man/Woman Watching

Some discreet man/woman watching may occasionally be OK. But when it is blatant and intrusive, it becomes a relationship problem. You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not have to learn to get over this and you should not have to learn to tolerate this behavior.

3. Infidelity

Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with your partner, you absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it. Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with other people when you are in a relationship.

4. Another Relationship

OK, I know people get involved with those who are already in another relationship with the hope that they will "win" and the other relationship will end. But in reality this seldom happens. If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the-relationship-date by which your partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.

5. Romantic Contact From Other People

Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of a romantic nature from other people? And why would the other person in the relationship tolerate this?

I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibility for what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person who is receiving the communication.

If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular phones, cell phones and e-mail.

You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to lose the relationship or be cheated on. Both may happen next.

6. Frequent Reactive or Angry Behaviors

Almost everyone has a frustrated moment, day or even a week. Life can get very hectic and stressful at times. But, if your partner is reactive or angry most of the time, for an extended period of time, this may just be the way he or she is.

If the two of you have repeatedly tried to problem-solve and yet nothing seems to cool the reactiveness and anger, you may want to ask yourself if you want this on ongoing basis.

7. 'It's All Your Fault'

Every relationship has issues or problems that need to be discussed. For some this happens sooner rather than later. But make no mistake -- this happens in every relationship. In fact, problems are an inherent part of being in a relationship.

However, if your partner categorically refuses to acknowledge and deal with his or her contribution to the problem and instead says in one way or another that it's all your fault, you have a serious problem on your hands. How will you move on and build a deeper relationship if your current problems cannot be resolved?

You are not pushy to ask your partner to deal with what needs to be dealt with. You have every right to ask for an active partner in a relationship.


Carrie