wandering eyes- help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
wandering eyes- help!
2
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 8:28pm
I would greatly appreciate advice...

I have been my with bf for over two years and since the beginning we expressed a desire to be married. We are both in our mid-twenties and moved in together about six months ago. Since we are both in the middle of getting grad-level degrees, it has been hard to make quality time for one another. Additionally, since we moved in together, we have slowly begun to take one another for granted (which is why we should't have moved in together). I love him very much, but between our busy and stressful schedules, our relationship is hardly a relationship at all. Much of the time, he seems like a roomate.



My bf is a great guy. I'd say what bothers me most is that he is a spoiled brat and is sometimes apathetic to my feelings and shuts himself off when I confront him about anything. However, this has been a problem since the beginning, so I am used to it.

On top of this, I find myself attracted to other guys lately. Particularly, I am attracted to one of my classmates and part of me gets excited thinking about pursuing him. It's not that I would cheat on my bf, but I entertain the thought. Honestly, I think that I am just intrigued by the idea of someone new. In reality, I know that the grass is always greener on the other side and if I were to be with someone else, I would end up in a similar situation within a year or so.

My best friend, who recently got engaged, says that she and her fiance both went through phases like this and that she is attracted to a lot of other people. How do I get past this? How do married people deal with this for years and years? Sometimes I worry that if I am like this now, I'll never be able to survive marriage.

Advice is appreciated. Thanks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:26am
I don't have any real experience with this sort of problem. The only advice I can offer up to you is that you need to excercise discipline. There are always temptations in life...not just when it comes to love and marriage. Everywhere there are temptations where we should know better, we need to be able to make the best decision for ourselves. By instilling discipline it should help you with self-control.

Before anything else, you need to be certain that you want a future with your current bf. I sense you are having doubts, aside from the 'wandering eye' issue. Perhaps that is why you are finding yourself attracted to other men: you are not being gratified in your current relationship. You are missing certain connections and intimacies you once had with your bf. My suggestion is that, even though he tends to close up when you try to communicate, you need to talk to him. You need to put it all out there and the two of you need to decide if you want to keep this going. And should you decide to keep this going you need to agree on how to keep the relationship working. Certain changes need to take place.

If you keep going like you are, you will likely find yourself in a bit of a mess. So take control now and address the issues in your relationship. And excercise that discipline.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:42am
The only comment I have for you is in response to this statement you made:

"...he is a spoiled brat and is sometimes apathetic to my feelings and shuts himself off when I confront him about anything. However, this has been a problem since the beginning, so I am used to it."

That's good, since the rest of your life is a VERY VERY long time (hopefully) and that is how long you'll have to be shut out and have your feelings disregarded if you marry him. Doesn't sound like a life I'd want to live, but that's just me -- I chose to marry a caring, giving, sensitive man who is considerate of me and other people -- but everyone chooses what works for them, I guess.

Don't think that the problems in your relationship will go away or improve with time if they've been constant since the beginning. What you see is what you get. I don't think it's a phase, personally. Good luck to you.