want to change but cant seem to
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| Sat, 02-02-2008 - 11:25am |
Hello. I'm new here....Briefly i was married previously for 12 years to a man who basically married someone that could be like a mother, but that he could have sex with. I had to take care of everything....kids, bills, all decision making, etc etc. he had no desire to think for himself. needless to say, 12 years and 3 children later, i finally had enough and divorced. I met a man that was very independent and thought for himself! He has custody of his daughter and was doing well for himself. i was so happy. we dated, and married after a year.
Now, the problem is that although I wanted someone independent, I have had a very hard time actually accepting it and changing my role!! we've been married going on 3 years. I tend to still be the one in control, wanting to make the decisions and always feel like he doesn't see the valid reasoning for my decision versus his.
Little things; for example: Someone from his work is having a super bowl party this weekend and invited us to come over - well #1 we don't even watch football, #2 we have 4 kids (me 3, hubby 1) these ppl are single/dating & no kids will b there;
#3 its sunday, school/work on monday and
#4 the friends' house is 40 miles from ours........ SO obviuosly I didn't think we should go. Hubby agreed (after some arguing) we could cook out sunday afternoon w/ a diff. group of friends (with kids) @ our house instead.
Problem is that we are working through a really rough patch in our marriage and both agreed to do some changing...I feel like me not wanting to attend this party is against my plan to change. I am like this often, any thing that we can't take the kids to, I tend to avoid. Neither one of us has family where we live, so we can't ask anyone to babysit. My kids don't go to their dads often, and my stepdaughters' mom lives out of state so she only visits her during extended school holidays(if then) So we never really get out. He usually works 6 days a week so even having my oldest daughter babysit on sat. night is usually pointless b/c he is too tired to go anywhere. I don't know where I'm going w/ this.... I have just been sitting here feeling guilty b/c I feel like I MADE the decision for the weekend. I want to do things he likes to do, I just always put the kids first and rationalize too much, I think.. I'm always worried. Any advice? how do married couples w/ 4 children get guilt free time alone? How do you manage to get out and be an Adult sometimes?
In my previous marriage we lived near 2 couples that had kids and we just kind of spent time back & forth at each others' house. Of course, kids were younger, we were younger too. LOL IDK - its like i forgot how to have a good time in life!
Edited 2/2/2008 12:41 pm ET by oh.woe.is.me

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