Want him back

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Want him back
2
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 7:04pm
I ws seeing this guy for 2 months. We spent a lot of time together I was even staying at his house every night. We got along great, had a lot in common except that he is very outgoing and I am shy. He said he was breaking me out of my shell and liked who i was becoming. The only problem we had was that we never had intercourse only oral sex. He kept saying he wanted me so bad it wasn't funny. I wasn't ready yet. Well we went to the beach with a few of his friends and their families for a couple of days last week. I told him that I would break out of my shell there, maybe even have sex. Well the whole time we were there the only time he ever payed attention to me was when we were alone in the hotel room. The rest of the time he acted like I wasn't even there. Since I am shy it takes me a while to open up to people and I had just met his friends at the beach. Well the last day there he wouldn't even touch me or anything. Then on the way home he said the relationhsip was done. The vacation was a test and I failed. His friends said I was too quiet and he didn't like that. Well the next night we got in a fight on the phone and he said that I will never change, never have sex with him. Well if someone was being treated the way I was they wouldn't want to have sex either. He wasn't getting it. We are still friends, but he told me he met someone else and they went out sat night. I was hurt becuase we never went anywhere just stayed at his house, he says that is my fault too. he never acted like he wanted to do anything but stay home. He said he is very happy and wants to see her again. I got upset because I still want him. Well I have been batteling with depression for some time and yesterday it got really bad. I emailed him telling him that. Also the depression has lowered my sex drive. He called and tried to help me through it. This am i realised I do want him and want to sleep with him. Then this afternoon i emailed him telling him i may have a new job and also that if I can't have him I don't anyone else. I'm going to stop looking. I went for a walk today to clear my head and all I could think about was him. That is all I've been thinking about since we broke up. Can't eat, sleep, concentrate I miss him so much. Oh forgot I asked him if he had slept with this woman he met and he said that he was going to wait take it slow. That's funny because he was always asking me to have sex with him. I always wanted to but something always made me tense up. Also when he said he wants to have a child he is 39 doesn't want to wait forever I said well she has 5 children you really think she'll want to have another, he got mad at that. One of my male friends said that he was mad because he knew that might be true. Ok here is the question, how can I win him back. I have been crying off and on for 2 days now. Please help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: missbean33
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 8:33pm
First, I think that you need to see a therapist to deal with your depression. You are not healthy yourself right now.

You need to learn this - there is no such thing as ‘winning someone back’. People are not prizes to be won at a fair. You can’t beg him back. You can’t guilt him back (using the depression). You can’t get him back into a relationship by having sex with him (and why would you want anybody that you have to sleep with to get to be your boyfriend).

Either 2 people who are intelligent and emotionally mature and stable are able to work through life together as a couple or they can’t because they just aren’t compatible. That is the best of circumstances.

Then there is what you had. Not the best of circumstances. Where 1 or both parties are not emotionally mature and ready for an honest relationship. He clearly isn’t ready considering the way he appears to have played you. I am sorry but mature adults do not go around ‘testing’ others and then get opinions from their friends the way this guy did. It sounds like he liked the idea of ‘liberating’ you from your shyness for a while but then got bored when you didn’t respond fast enough to suit his purposes. What is worse, he is 39 years old – too old to be playing these kinds of games with people. He is a jerk and nothing you do or say is going to change that about him.

<< He said he was breaking me out of my shell and liked who i was becoming.>>

In other words, he didn’t like you for who you ARE, he wanted to play GOD and CHANGE you into something else. I have a feeling this guy got off on the idea and powertrip of trying to sexually liberate you. That isn’t love, honey.

Don’t even think about wanting to have sex with him now because it is really just a knee jerk way of trying to ‘win him back’. Having sex under these circumstances will just make you feel even worse than you already do. And calling him over and over just makes you look pathetically like a loser with no pride or self-respect – sorry but that is true. You are going to make him totally sick of you while completely shredding your self-esteem to pieces. As far as the other girl w/5 kids, don’t even waste your time thinking about her. There is nothing you can do about it so just let him be HER PROBLEM now and not YOUR PROBLEM!

So the end result is this – there is nothing you can do to ‘win’ him back. You did not have a healthy relationship to start so it is not as if you just made some honest mistake that can be rectified. He was a jerk for the way he approached you and unfortunately, due to the state of your mental health, you can’t see that right now. Please get some therapy.

Last I want to say that you will love again – we all do eventually!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: missbean33
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 9:21pm
This man wants you to change. He is extroverted, you are introverted. You weren't ready for intercourse, he was. It is part of who you are and you shouldn't try to change what is inherent for anyone else. Why do you even want to be friends with someone who told you that you failed a test in front of his friends?

You need to look at why you want to win him back. He doesn't deserve you.