Want to leave - SAHM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Want to leave - SAHM
4
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 11:07am
Hello.

I've recently been shocked with the realization that our marriage isn't "normal". For the past couple of years I thought it was me, that I was going insane, afflicted with a mood disorder. OMG, I don't even know where to begin!! The checklist "Extensive List" had 53 matches - and then some, as not all were listed. I feel so stupid - How could I not have seen this before? Rather, I did and we legally separated (which he says "is a joke in itself - Marriage is of the heart, not paper") -- but I returned with our three children to give it another go. If I had known then what I definately know now we would not have moved to an oveseas station...and I would not be isolated from friends, limited in movement, money, ideas, hobbies, etc. Oh my! Where/what do I do now?

I posted on another board last week, and thought afterwards that I had jumped too quick to the conclusion that my husband was controlling... So I started paying closer attention; tested the theory, so to speak. We had a nice little conversation wherein he revealed his real opinions of his coworkers -- I suggested that maybe he was being too harsh on them, that maybe they felt trapped beneath him...and he locked up. Maybe he picked up on the subliminal message that I also felt that way? He said some very cruel things to them, after all. In this talk I found out that I am "not a very neat person, never thought that I was" -- THAT HURT - 6 months ago he agreed that I "was OCD and depressed because I couldn't control everything". Not true, I have long since rescended the idea that a clean home is a happy home, things obviously don't work that way.

No, I sit here smoking one cigarette after another. I've withdrawn from the children(7,4,3), which is not good. It seems like when I do have a good day with them while he is at work, he feels neglected when he returns because I am the favorite person of the day. I'd rather avoid the whole mess of it. Our seven year old comes to me for "One of our talks" and says that he "doesn't feel very loved when he is sad"... I mention it to the daddy-person, but nothing changes and nothing is said except "Ah, he's just too sensitive" -- he's constantly telling our son that he "needs to toughen up". While I disagree, and DO call him on it... it just doesn't filter through.

I need to go - pack up the kids and go away for a while. I don't want to leave him totally, but just get a break - let him see that my way isn't so wrong. Our talk turned to that very idea, the army will pay for it as if it were a normal transfer - money isn't the issue. I could get a job and "rent" from family. HE vetoed the idea, saying he would have to live with the single soliders, he would turn to drinking, would be lonely. No, THAT HURTS. But our talk ended on a good note (yeah, sure) with him suggesting I create a 2-week menu plan and build a grocery list from it. (WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? And wasn't that my idea 2 years ago and he said no?) Add the comments "you are just not the 'housewife' type"...

I'm losing it ladies - truely going INSANE. Now that he knows I am not happy in this situation and am ready to go, he is doing everything in his power to be sweet and keep us here. Suddenly I am sexy, the most desirable woman on the planet; the best cook; the most talented; an incredible mother... funny thing is, I've literally not done ANYTHING remotely housewifey and it's all shoved in a handbasket -- I know he is filling me full of fluff.

The only thing I've got to leave on is desire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 11:10am
Frig. Do you see how confused I am? Posted to the wrong board...LMAO.

Oops, let's just scoot this over a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 6:39pm
I am kind of in a similar position just not controling but cheating. I have cant help you but I do have a question for you. My husband is also active duty and we too are overseas. You said the army will pay for you to move back to the states. How does that work. What do they need to know about the situation. Who do I need to see? I am sorry I cant help you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 7:34pm
>>>You said the army will pay for you to move back to the states. How does that work. What do they need to know about the situation. Who do I need to see? I am sorry I cant help you.<<<

It's OK, hon. I empathize with your situation -- it royally stinks! Sorry that it is happening to you.

This is the only link I am able to find but it should apply the same no matter where you are. You'll need to go to JAG and request an ARD and follow the requirements listed on the page. (It explains the whole process)

http://www.usarak.army.mil/jag/page28.html

Good luck. I'd like to hear how you are doing and what you find out. *Hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 1:26pm
I'm not sure if I can help, but I'd like to try. It sounds like you're feeling some ambivalence about whether to leave him or not. I've done a lot of reading and it sounds like your husband doesn't treat your marriage like a partnership. He seems to think that if he pushes you, he'll get more out of you. My ex-husband was like that. What he doesn't realize is that if he takes everything from you, your self-worth, good pride, happiness, etc., you won't have anything left to give. He can't just keep taking from you and expecting you to forever give because you'll go bankrupt emotionally, physically, etc. It sounds like he uses compliments, kindnesses, etc., like a hook to draw you in. Once he has you in a vulnerable place, his attitudes become exacting and unsympathetic. It's probably easy to make excuses for his behaviors, but if it's making you feel incapacitated, even to the point of feeling withdrawn from your kids because of his reactions, then he's doing some seriously wrong things, in my estimation. My ex would make me cry whenever I tried to connect with the kids. I have since learned that they didn't like him, either. They were also very young. I hope you can find a good solution to you situation. Best Wishes!