I don't know if divorce is your answer. From what you say, it doesn't seem to me like it's that terrible that your husband has friends and regular outings with them. I don't know exactly what the frequency is of course, but from my way of thinking, it's pretty normal for spouses to maintain some activities on their own, and one problem may be that you have focused too much on your husband and kids and not enough on cultivating your own friends and activities.
You do definitely sound like you're depressed, and it's unlikely that getting divorced would help with that. You'd still have the same disagreements, and you'd have even more time where you'd need to find things to keep yourself busy. You'd also very likely deal with a lot of extra headaches with custody arrangements and problems with the kids adjusting, and then suddenly having two households rather than one.
I obviously don't know the whole story or how much time he might be spending away, but what exactly have you tried? Have you tried date nights together, or finding activities you both enjoy to do together? Are you ok with him having time with his friends, or would you only be happy if he never leaves your side? Are there any activities that you would like that you can go with him while he's with his friends?
You're quite right, having an affair is not the way out of a bad marriage, it's the way into more trouble and feeling badly about yourself. Perhaps it's time to face your life square on. Perhaps your husband feels that all can go on this way and there will be no consquences. Sounds like it's time for you to decide what you truly want and need in a relationship. Make a relationship blueprint. Be clear about who you are, how you want a relationship to go and what you want to give and receive.
Then have a good, open, simple, non-combative talk with your husband. Let him know that the relationship is not working for you as it is, and unless he is willing to negotiate changes with you, the marriage will have to end. Don't be threatening. Give him a chance to realize how you feel. When you are strong, have self respect and set up clear cut boundaries about what you need, then your partner will also respect you.
Read back over what you posted and pretend that this was from one of your children, sister, good friend....What would you advise them to do in your situation? What if one of them were in your husbands shoes.... what would you advise them?
Do you honestly believe that the reason you are having an affair is because you husband has friends and does stuff with them? Regardless of what your husband has/has not done in this marriage, he didn't cause you to have an affair... that was all your decision. We are responsible for our own actions.
Find another counselor for yourself, and if you want to save the marriage, a marriage counselor and work through all your mixed emotions, it sounds like you have given all of yourself to everyone else and forgot about YOU and what you need as a person. But an affair is not the answer to anything, so you need to stop that immediately, work on yourself, and get yourself, and your self respect back. You can't change your husband, you can only change yourself. You have to love and respect yourself first before you can receive that from someone else. Good luck
You really didn't give enough information for us to go on here. Alot of questions rose to my mind as I read your post. For instance, do you love your husband? Do you feel loved? If this is the issue, read the 5 Love Languages by Chapman - its an excellent book to figure out what you "need" to feel loved.
If you are resentful of your husband that he has a life - why don't you? Do you have friends to hang out with? Do you have hobbies and interests that you pursue and make you happy? You have to happy as an individual to be in a happy marriage.
Or maybe you've both just given up and you are roommates living within a marriage. I don't know. Only you know in this situation bc you haven't really decribed anything specific to point to...
I agree that Dr Shoshanna gave you excellent advice. If you need some ideas on how to identify your blueprint consider the book Relationship Rescue, by Phil McGraw.
I don't know if divorce is your answer. From what you say, it doesn't seem to me like it's that terrible that your husband has friends and regular outings with them. I don't know exactly what the frequency is of course, but from my way of thinking, it's pretty normal for spouses to maintain some activities on their own, and one problem may be that you have focused too much on your husband and kids and not enough on cultivating your own friends and activities.
You do definitely sound like you're depressed, and it's unlikely that getting divorced would help with that. You'd still have the same disagreements, and you'd have even more time where you'd need to find things to keep yourself busy. You'd also very likely deal with a lot of extra headaches with custody arrangements and problems with the kids adjusting, and then suddenly having two households rather than one.
I obviously don't know the whole story or how much time he might be spending away, but what exactly have you tried? Have you tried date nights together, or finding activities you both enjoy to do together? Are you ok with him having time with his friends, or would you only be happy if he never leaves your side? Are there any activities that you would like that you can go with him while he's with his friends?
You're quite right, having an affair is not the way out of a bad marriage, it's the way into more trouble and feeling badly about yourself. Perhaps it's time to face your life square on. Perhaps your husband feels that all can go on this way and there will be no consquences. Sounds like it's time for you to decide what you truly want and need in a relationship. Make a relationship blueprint. Be clear about who you are, how you want a relationship to go and what you want to give and receive.
Then have a good, open, simple, non-combative talk with your husband. Let him know that the relationship is not working for you as it is, and unless he is willing to negotiate changes with you, the marriage will have to end. Don't be threatening. Give him a chance to realize how you feel. When you are strong, have self respect and set up clear cut boundaries about what you need, then your partner will also respect you.
All good wishes,
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Read back over what you posted and pretend that this was from one of your children, sister, good friend....What would you advise them to do in your situation? What if one of them were in your husbands shoes.... what would you advise them?
Do you honestly believe that the reason you are having an affair is because you husband has friends and does stuff with them? Regardless of what your husband has/has not done in this marriage, he didn't cause you to have an affair... that was all your decision. We are responsible for our own actions.
Find another counselor for yourself, and if you want to save the marriage, a marriage counselor and work through all your mixed emotions, it sounds like you have given all of yourself to everyone else and forgot about YOU and what you need as a person. But an affair is not the answer to anything, so you need to stop that immediately, work on yourself, and get yourself, and your self respect back. You can't change your husband, you can only change yourself. You have to love and respect yourself first before you can receive that from someone else. Good luck
Kellyann - Thanks for your reply.
You really didn't give enough information for us to go on here. Alot of questions rose to my mind as I read your post. For instance, do you love your husband? Do you feel loved? If this is the issue, read the 5 Love Languages by Chapman - its an excellent book to figure out what you "need" to feel loved.
If you are resentful of your husband that he has a life - why don't you? Do you have friends to hang out with? Do you have hobbies and interests that you pursue and make you happy? You have to happy as an individual to be in a happy marriage.
Or maybe you've both just given up and you are roommates living within a marriage. I don't know. Only you know in this situation bc you haven't really decribed anything specific to point to...
Good luck,
Dee
Welcome back to the board applepie60,
Here's your post from Aug - Is it time for a divorce?
I agree that Dr Shoshanna gave you excellent advice. If you need some ideas on how to identify your blueprint consider the book Relationship Rescue, by Phil McGraw.
Sassisizz -
Do you honestly believe that the reason you are having an affair is because you husband has friends and does stuff with them?
I don't think I ever implied this and if I did, then I didn't intend to.
Dee -
In answer to your questions - I'm not sure I love my husband.