Want to save my marriage....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Want to save my marriage....
2
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 4:26pm
A little history...my husband and I have been married for 9 years and we have been togehter for 17 years. Five years ago he had an affair with a co-worker, he left and came home a few months later. We rebulit our marriage. Now fast forward to present time, he is having another affair. This time the girl is young enough to be one of our nieces. She has now left for college. He has told me that he cares for me but does not know if it is love. I have asked him to see a therapist with me and has yet to come. He is my problem..before he asked me out on a date all those years ago I knew that I was going to marry him and spend my life with him. We have had many up's and down's in our relationship. I want this marriage to work and I am fighting for it. But how do I get him to come along for the ride? I love him very much.

Thanks

Kristen
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 4:46pm
Sorry you have to go through this.

You can't MAKE someone go along for the ride. If he's unwilling to go to counseling, be your partner and work on all this....and if you stay with him, then you are giving him permission to continue his behavior - he knows he can see someone, leave you for awhile and come back. Aren't you worth more than that?

Reading material:

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful -- Janis Abrahms


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 5:10pm
I'm sorry you're going through this Kristen. From my own experience I have learned that you cannot make a person feel the way you do, and that love *must* be mutual for a relationship to be healthy and successful. If the feelings are not there, even if they once were, there is really nothing you can do about it other than seek the help you need to accept it and move on. I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear, but the sooner you accept it the sooner your life will improve. None of us can predict our futures, or the futures of another person. All we can do is do the best we can by making the choices that are in our best interest. Is it in your best interest to cling to a man who may no longer love you and who's cheating on you? One who's not interested in your marriage anymore? No. You *wanted* it to last and you *planned* on it lasting a lifetime, but that's simply out of your control. That's life. People sometimes change and feelings sometimes die. It happens, and burying your head in the sand or wishing it weren't so isn't going to do you much good in the longrun. I have found that instead of fighting against things that are not in my control, I do better in life to let go of them, and work on dealing with what is reality. Unless your husband *wants* to stay married to you and is willing to put 110% effort into it, it's never going to be what you want it to be. I'm sure the marriage relationship you envision for yourself is better than the one you actually have. But unless both partners want the same thing, one is destined to be unhappy and disappointed. I wish you the strength and wisdom you will need to get through this. Please listen to what he's telling you. Accept it and believe it. Some things in life don't turn out the way we plan them, but by accepting, working through it, moving on, we can find other even better things that await us in the future. Best wishes for a happier future.