Wanting me? and wanting to date???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wanting me? and wanting to date???
11
Sat, 05-31-2003 - 8:54pm
i am a 22 year old unwed mother of a beautiful boy. Just recently i moved back in with my parents. Before that i was living with my boyfriend, going to college and working in a child day care. Things were great, I was happy. I was pregnant and the father of my child wanted us to be a family. Then a couple of weeks after our baby ws born, i tell him to move out because he was getting upset that we didn't marry first and that we weren't supposed to be together because we come from different religions. He called me easy and said he had no respect for me, which three weeks later he apoligizes for, saying he was just mad. Saying he does have respect for me because i am taking care of our son. And that he is just not ready to settle down and be a father and is unsure if i am the one for him. He says he loves me very much and he wants so much to be with me and our son. But, he didn't get to date and wants to see what's out there. He wants to find out if i am the one for him. So i ask him have you dated, he said he did. Deep down i knew he did, so i tell him go ahead and date. I was nice about and told him that i had dated before and i really enjoyed it, and i said i wanted him to be happy. So i told him he should. He assured me that he wasn't out looking for something serious or looking for someone to sleep with or kiss and hold. He just wants to meet people. What i don't understand is why he continues to hold me and say he loves me but wants to date. I thought i was a good person. I am funny, smart, loving, nice. I took care of my boyfriend and now i believe i am a good mother. So why is this man that i love and he tells me he loves me, not want me? I am sorry he says he wants me but is that true? He tells me "don't you think i want to be with you, don't you think i want to be with my son. I do, I really do. But i am not happy with us. We went about things the wrong way. So we need to start over." How do you start over, i am confused about that also? So right now we are not together, and living about 500 miles apart. But when i see him he says i love you and holds me and i feel so good being in his arms and hear loving and affectionate words. I tell him i want to be with him and he says he still wants me, so what is wrong with this? He says he just needs this time to find out what he wants and what will make him happy. I am just confused and trying to understand him. I don't dweal or beat myself with this confusion. I am doing things for myself like going to school and exercising and of course being with, taking care of, and loving my child. I just want to understand my "ex-boyfriend?"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 12:23am
I am not sure why he is acting this way. when he said you are of different religions - I am assuming you are from a different culture/country? possibly, in his *religion*, someone would not sleep with their girlfriend before marriage, is that true?

I think the point is that he is saying one thing, yet doing something else. and I believe you need to get on with your life. when you do see each other - are you still sleeping with each other? you sound like a gret person and a responsible mom - its wonderful that your parents are being supportive of you. let him go... next time he calls - don't be available. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 4:45pm
You want to understand him? All you need to know is...when the going got tough, he got going. Do you really need that in your life? He can't change that he got you pregnant before marrying you, and there is no use for him to dwell on it after the fact. Sorry, but it all sounds like he is using that as an excuse to do what he wants, and he made it sound truly pathetic so that you would give him your blessing. You are wise beyond your years for realizing that you need an education and to make a life for you and your son, but you show naivity when it comes to putting up with his urge to wander. Either he wants to be with you, or he wants to date other women. He can't have both, and you shouldn't allow him to.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 6:53pm
He doesn't sound confused to me. He sounds like he's an irresponsible, immature, selfish person who's stringing you along while he's out having fun doing what he wants. He's telling you that he wants so much to be with you and your son yet he's blowing that off so he can chase other women. He's doing exactly what he really wants to do. If he wanted to be with you and his son more than he wanted to be with other women, he would be. He wants to be with other women more. People do what they want to do. He's really jerking you around. If he wanted to simply "meet people", there are a thousand other ways to do that than to date. If he's dating, he's surely holding and kissing women. If he weren't and he was just going out to meet people, it wouldn't be a date. You picked yourself a person of very poor character. When you see people acting in selfish, immature, irresponsible ways towards you like this don't question yourself as you are in saying "I thought I was a good person". He's the one behaving badly, it's HIS character that's turned out to be questionable, not yours.
Avatar for mamma2my3sons
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 11:43pm
You're both young. This will probably sound a bit hard. The truth is that he didn't love you enough to become *real* family (ie.marry you) *before* you became pregnant, nor does he love you enough *now*, even having his child.

I think you did the right thing by moving back in with your parents. Certainly its better for your baby to (hopefully) have an extended loving family & a better male role model (ie.your father).

His "wanting to date" & "love" talk is meant to keep you hanging on. I fear he is just keeping you in the wings for when he has an "itch to scratch" or for when he feels like playing daddy for a day or two. Talk is cheap, trust his ACTIONS.

I would suggest continuing on with your life, setting goals & becoming the best mom you can. Of course pursue child support & encourage his visitation with his child but I would severe any personal relationship with him *unless & until* he was willing to 100% step up to the plate (ie. get Married TODAY & become a FULLTIME father TODAY.)

Hanging on emotionally to his words,& continuing *any* physical relationship will only impede you from truely moving forward (& possibly risk another pregnancy & child being subjected to a broken home).

I'm so sorry for you & your baby.

Barbara

Avatar for wishfulkittn
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 12:50am
I agree with the last two posters. He has never been willing to committ to you like you would want him to. He doesn't want to be a family as bad as he claims because if he did, he would have married you, and he surely wouldn't want to be seeing other women. Don't listen to that either. He is "seeing" women because he wants to...everything else he told you about "meeting people" is a crock hun.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 7:00pm
I really am glad I got some feedback from my previous Message. Thank you all for aharing your thoughts on my subject. I was confused about the way I felt and was uncertain if what i was feeling was the correct or appropriate way to respond to my ex-boyfriend. I started feeling bad because i thought i was being selfish in telling my ex to choose me or dating other women. But now i don't feel so bad about it. I also thought he still wants me and that i should still be there for him and i was doing that the wrong way. I was still being affectionate with him and sharing with him my words of love and need. Now i don't think that he deserves it. So what i think that i should do is just be there if he needs someone to talk to. But i am unsure of that. And also to let him know how our son is doing. Even then i think i get a feeling of just not talking to him at all. So i have started not calling him and he calls like once a week. I figure if he wants to know how his son is then he can call and find out. He had gotten angry at me a few weeks back because i was in his town and i told him wheni would be there and that he should call me. So i waited a couple days later he called me and was angry that i didn't call when i was in town. I told him when i call you, you don't sound happy to hear from me so i told you to call. Well now i am not going to take him talking to me like that. And if he is angry i will say politely that i don't wish to speak with him until he can talk nicely to me. So right now i just want to have the courage and the right words to say when he starts talking all sweet to me. SO please send words of encouragement and ways i can deal with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 7:45pm
I really hope he grows up at some point for his son. You two will always be connected through your son and I hope you can be civil and live in the same town so that he can see him regularly if he decides to become a responsible father.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 9:59am
I definitely admire you for the steps you have taken so far in your relationship with the father of your child. Remember you made a big statement when you moved out of your place with him and back home. Part of you wanting to be there for him when he needs someone may be because you feel bad for leaving. But you made the right choice in leaving and shouldn't feel bad. You didn't deserve the way you were being treated and spoken to. I think you are very wise for not taking the initiative to call him! You are right if he wants to know how you and your son are doing he will call. I don't know how old he is but boys tend to get scared easily and are afraid of committment and obligation. You are both very young. The difference is you grew up and he's not ready for that responsibility. You have a good head on your shoulders. You are continuing your education. Taking care of your son is a full time job in itself and I think you are making wonderful decisions for the life of you and your child. The smartest thing you did was ask for help and move back home. I know it is hard when you love someone to not be there for them but you have to let him go. If he loves you he'll realize that he doesn't want to have a life without you and come back. Prepare yourself that he may not come back and don't feel bad b/c you did nothing wrong. You are beautiful and you deserve the best!
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 11:43am
Your ex-boyfriend (and that is what he is) is a confused, immature young man who wants his cake and to eat it too. He doesn't want to lose you so he keeps in touch and says nice things to you, but the reality is, is that he's living 500 miles away from his baby son and the mother of his child. This is not a man who is at all mature or who is willing to take on responsibility. He is talking out of both sides of his mouth. He loves you, but wants to date, to be free and play the field. He has no idea what love is. He only knows that he doesn't want to lose anything (including his freedom), and just wants what is good for him. He is not showing any concern at all about what is good for you or your child. I wouldn't place much stock in him. I am very glad you are taking good care of yoursef, going to school and caring for your child. You need to let him know that you need to date as well...(and you do). There is absolutely no reason to stay stuck in this never, never land. You should go out with others, meet guys, and do whatever you can to build up a healthy, constructive and positive life for yourself and your son. Do not wait around for him...take time, stand back, view the whole picture and realize that you have a right to choose as well..you have a right and responsibility to yourself and your child to choose someone who can really love you, value you, and be there for you...someone who will take wonderful care of you and who is worthy of your devotion and love. Your ex doesn't sound like it.

Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 11:28am
thank you very much Deenise. Your words made be feel better about the decisions i made. I am not going to wait for him. And if i do find a new partner to share my life with i am going to go slow and be sure that he isn't just saying he wants a life with me actually showing me his commitment. And if my ex does want to come back i am sure that it will not be easy because i am not moving anywhere. My schooling is here. By the way he is 25 and i thought he would have gotten past the "being free" stage and want something more. But i did not see that.

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