Wanting to move foward
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Wanting to move foward
| Thu, 10-21-2004 - 12:39am |
im not sure where exactly to start and if i should be posting this information on here, but i dont know what else to do and i have already discussed this with my boyfriend. i have posted several times on here and recently i wrote about me and my bf breaking up and spending less time apart while remaining friends so he could work through his divorce. well we have gotten back together and things are going well except for one dilema. when we broke up i was informed by him that he cheated on me with his exwife becasue she threatened him she'd take his children away. im not sure exactly why he felt doing that would keep them around but regardless it happened. we talked about everything possible and worked through why it really happened, him feeling guilty and that causing him to end our relationship and moving on in our relationship together; building a stronger future though complete honesty without her involoved. the problem though is i know why he cheated but i cant get the thought of how he could go through the act of sex with her. everytime it enters my mind i get sick. i do love him and believe him with my whole heart that he has redeicated hiself to me. its just im having a problem getting that image out of my head. we both trust each other and love one another unconditionally. i just need help with letting go of the act of him cheating. everytime i mention this to him he gets so depressed from feeling so bad that he hurt me. i dont want to have these thoughts, i just want to have a happy life with him. i know its possible, i just need to get this out of my mind. its driving me nuts.why is it so easy to forgive the one you love, but hard to forget what happened?

I really hope i helped in some way or another.
Kylilla.
::he cheated on me with his exwife becasue she threatened him she'd take his children away.
So she said have sex with me or else?
I think not, sorry. But he did what he wanted to do because he wanted to do it. He had to get turned on enough to complete the act.
Seriously, consider couples counseling.
PS edited to add, pray she didn't try to get pregnant and succeed.
Edited 10/21/2004 4:59 pm ET ET by itwinflame
Carrie
ok, so you will probably not want to hear this but here goes:
basically he is STILL MARRIED. separated or not - he is MARRIED. and so he didn't "cheat on you with his ex wife". he is cheating on his
Dear km2004,
I know you want everything to be perfect for you because that is how it feels inside. However, please read my post and you will see that divorce is ALWAYS complicated. With young children it is even more so. I think this fellow loves you, but he is torn as well. He may not love his wife the same way, but he is persuaded by her all the same. She knows the buttons to push. However, believe me it is not you she has issues with personally. It is any woman who would come into his life. She obviously thinks there is something left to salvage or she would just let him go. You don't know that there isn't. That is a risk you will have to take. You need to take a break from this relationship, let him work out his problems one way or the other. (If he chooses to return to her it is not something you can save him from.) Give yourself some time to heal. Trust me, the images in your head will fade. But not as long as you are involved in the problems between this husband and wife. Let him come to you free if it is meant to be.
If you just can't bring yourself to break away then make some changes and guidelines. Quit being so understanding of his ex-wife problems because if you don't these problems will always be a part of your relationship. For example, every time you are together does he talk about what is happening with his divorce and how much trouble he is having with the ex? Make that a taboo subject. Be there for him for the big things (like court hearings) but let the small day to day stuff be on him. When you can finally be happy together talking about your lives and your futures then the image of he and the ex in bed will fade quicker. The subject of her has to trigger the negative feelings you have from his admission of unfaithfulness.
I am certainly no expert on relationships, but I can give you advice from my experience. Good luck to you and God bless you in your choices.
It can take time to re-build trust after an infedelity, so be patient with yourself. Basically, you have to come to terms with what happened and decide whether or not you feel he is trustworthy. Will he do it again? You need to feel secure in the relationship in order to "forgive and forget".
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he hurt you, theres no doubt about that... but hes weak... hes a weak personality and a weak man to have had sex with her for whatever reasons, supposedly loving you... you know this dont you?... your not stupid... and dont go to any court proceedings!... stay out of the situation between him and his wife... youll only aggravate his wife and cause him more grief...
one other thing... when your seperated (ie living apart), you are on your own... no explanation has to be given to your seperated spouse about your personal life so hes not cheating and neither is she if she decides to be with another... this is not a moral position... i know... ive been there...
I agree that km2004 should not go to any court hearings concerning this divorce. I only meant that should be the time she is supportive of him in this matter. Court matters are stressful and it will no doubt be a tension filled time for him. She should be understanding of that and ONLY that. Otherwise, if he is moving away from his past life with his wife I don't see the purpose in tainting their relationship with the problems he is having in that area. I agree wholeheartedly with you that telling her about his "weak moment" with his wife was a selfish and self-motivated thing to do. Now the wife is immeshed even more into their relationship.