Wanting some outside input on my problem
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Wanting some outside input on my problem
| Sat, 05-26-2007 - 4:40am |
Hello I am new to this message board. I am 25 years old and I have 2 children. I have been with my kid's father for almost 11 years now, a few years spent on and off again. The situation is when I started dating him at 15 and he was 18, he was the greatest guy out there. Then things started falling apart over the years. He became emotionally and mentally abusive saying things like "If you would get off of your ever widening ass and do something you would lose weight." Things like that. When I was 18 I got pregnant for our daughter so we moved in with each other. Well things got worse, we were always fighting, when we fought we would break things, and then it got to the point all he did was sit on video games all day why I tried to support 3 people on a minimum wage job. I had a few miscarriages and he never once consoled me about them. I began cheating on him whenever I could which till this very day he doesn't know about it. Then I started becoming really depressed, quit my job, and was gone from my own apartment for weeks at a time. I tried to talk to him about it but he always said he didn't care. So after 3 years I was pregnant again and I left him. I thought this would wake him up. A year later we moved back in together with our now 2 kids, I had lost 175 pounds and figured I would give it another shot and what does he do he quits his job to sit at home and play video games. So in six months I gained 200 pounds packed up my 2 kids and left him again. After that he wouldn't have anything to do with the kids, he didn't see them for 4 months. He was getting his life straightened out so we decided to give it another try. For the first few months things were wonderful. But now we barely speak, he won't help me out finacially emotionally or physically with the kids. The only time he seems to do any of that is if I will have sex with him. The only time he wants anything to do with me is when I have sex with him. I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few months and realized we aren't who we were 10 years ago and he isn't the kind of man I want in my life. I am unable to work b/c of health problems but he acts like it isn't his responsibility to help me out with the kids. I have went into so much debt trying to take care of them. I'm living with family b/c I don't really have much of a choice. I hate it. I don't want this life for my kids or me. I'm so confused and so lost anymore. I don't know what to do. I can't force him to care and I am tired of living like this. Should I tell him either he makes some changes or he hits the road? I know he won't change for me he has to want to do it for himself. I am just at a complete loss anymore.

My advice is get out and stay out. There doesn't appear to be anything salvagable here and the emotional abuse you have suffered because of this man is toxic to your well being.
Stop trying to wake HIM up. You are the one who needs to wake up. You know what this is doing to you but you keep putting responsibility for fixing it on him. He's not going to fix it, he's not going to fix himself, and he can't fix you. It is very common for someone who has been abused to look to their abuser for redemption and validation but I am telling you - that only comes from within. When you decide to love yourself enough to make healthy choices that support your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being you begin to create something better.
Counseling would help you to set boundaries that support personal empowerment and growth.
Good luck.
This is a complicated and troubling situation. It sounds clear that both of you strongly need professional help in working through the problems and pain you've been going through. It's not something you can handle alone at this point, and although speaking on the internet can be helpful, it's really important that you find yourself a well trained counselor or therapist and get the insight, strength, and support you need to handle this escalating and difficult situation. The father of your children also needs help. His behavior has been de-stabilizing and abusive. He's not able to be the person you need or that he needs to be himself. There seem to be strong psychological issues for both of you. Gaining and losing that much weight is a deeply unhealthy response to anger and stress. Go get yourself the psychological help you need in sorting out your feelings, needs and learning how to move forward out of this quagmire.
Best wishes,
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