Wants to take a break!?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wants to take a break!?!?!
10
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 1:52pm
My boyfriend of 2 years wants to take a break. Here's some background on our relationship. The first 6 months of our relationship were perfect, we were completely in love. He wanted to get married someday, and move in together, everything. Then things started getting tense. Our schdule got busy and it caused strain in the relationship along with other factors. Well we fought pretty often for about a year. Then the past 6 months have been great again. We don't fight hardly ever, we have a fun time hanging out now. One night, for the first time in about a month we had a arugment and he decided to move out, and for us to take a break. Well I waited about a week to ask him details, just to give him time to breath. He says he loves me and thinks I'm a great girl "damn near perfect" but hes not positive that I'm "the one" for him. So I thought, ok since things are good again.. He's thinking we may last and wants to be sure I'm the one so I'll be strong and give him space. So I don't call him but like 2 times a week, then he says "babe, why haven't you called me? You usually call and leave amessage while i'm working late?" We would hang out like once a week, and when he would come over he would say "why don't you invite me over more" It is so confusing! So i ask him and he says again that he isn't sure if he wants to be with me b/c of how much we fought before. He said when we fought so much that he had to disconnect himself from us so he wouldn't get hurt and mad everytime we fought and now that we are good again, he is having a hard time "putting himself back into us" he is having a hard time not being disconnected.

So my question is....Do I give him as much space as I can, call him as least as I can? (either make this break go faster b/c he'll miss me etc. or he would forget how he feels about me cuz he's not around me?) or should I do what he says and call him and invite him over?

Also for a week I didn't call him but like once. and when we hung out that sunday he said he was keeping busy so he wouldn't think about it. but i thought that was the point of this?

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 4:43pm
From experience I have formed the opinion that an adult who is emotionally healthy and stable, and emotionally available for a relationship, when he or she finds a person who feels like the right person (has everything they're looking for and is on the same page with all the many crucial aspects of compatibility), will not need a break from that relationship no matter how tough things get.

Breaks are for those who are unsure how they feel about the relationship and the other person (which your bf has actually told you is the truth). THAT is the part I would listen to and focus on if I were you -- the part where he's not sure if you're the one for him. If you were, he'd know it. It's not something that you have to have time to decide upon IMO. The fact that he still is asking you to call him and misses you doesn't mean he still has doubts that ultimately you're the one for him. It just means he's used to having you to hang out with and have sex with etc and he misses all that. That's just human nature. It doesn't mean you're in a compatible relationship. If you were, he wouldn't need a break from it.

That's my 2¢.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 5:09pm
I thought the same thing....When I brought it up he told me.. He thinks we work well together, are compatible, good for each other lives but he doesn't know if he can get over the grudges from fighting before.He is also afraid we'll always go back to fighting alot. He is hoping the break will "reset" his state of mind, and he'll realize all of this little things he misses about me..........
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 5:50pm
Well of course he'll miss you and things about you, things you did, all the good things when you're not there. That's a no-brainer. But that doesn't mean you're a right fit for one another. People who ARE a right fit don't have doubts about the other person and how they will feel down the road. They don't take breaks. If you and your bf fight a lot and he needs to take a break from it due to that, well then what you're in is an on-again off-again relationship. Be prepared for many other breaks down the road UNLESS you both do something to actively fix what ain't workin'...he's naive to think that by merely taking a break the dynamic of your relationship will change and magically everything will be ok when you get back together simply b/c he misses you during the break. C'mon! If he doesn't like the dynamic between you (it sounds like you two don't fight fairly and say a lot of things you can't take back later) then you need to both DO something to learn how to change that. It's not going to change on it's own. And it's not going to change no matter how many breaks you take. You're both going to find out that after the break is over and some time goes by....you'll be repeating this exact same scenario again and again. You both have 3 options: fix what's not working; find something that does work with someone else; live miserably with something you're not completely happy with.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:00pm
IMO, if you are "on a break", you should have NO contact for a set period of time, say..a month. Then you pick a date to talk and see where things stand. Then you tell him to **** or get off the pot!!!

You should not be letting have a break and then call him every week. Only then will he figure out whether or not he truly wants to be with you. You also shouldn't let him have a break without defining what that means. "Until I figure out if I can get over grudges" is not a specific time period. It's letting him string you along until he either figures out he wants more (and why would he if you're still calling and hanging out with him), decides to break it off completely, or you just get sick of his bs and call it quits. So take a stand NOT to stand for his behavior (don't call me, why don't you call me?) UGH!! What games he's playing!!

Good luck to you. You deserve better than these immature games he's playing with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 3:52pm
I really understand your problem the only advice I can give is this. He wanted space give it to him. If he says your the perfect girl then he will realize that and come back. until then make sure you live your life to the fullest and be happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:29pm
I have to agree with the last poster, but I can sympathize with the position you are in, as I am in a similar spot. My girlfriend of 5 years told me she wanted to take a "break" a couple of months ago, and it caught me completely by surprise. Only 3 months earlier she had been talking about marriage without any reservations. Now, my situation is a bit different in that I'm 6 years older, established in a career and was seemingly ready to settle down while she is 24 years old, is in her last year of school and is now feeling like she is too young to get married, and is being pulled by the freedoms that college life affords. 2 years of a long distance relationship certainly hasn't helped matters a whole lot. Her feelings are understandable I guess, but devastating for me.

It would be impossible to paint the full picture of just how close the 2 of us are/were, and how much this is hurting not only me but also her (I know this to be true), but the fact of the matter is that she is feeling what she is feeling AND THERE IS NOT A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT OTHER THAN GIVE HER THE SPACE AND TIME TO SORT IT OUT. I hate this 'if its meant to be, its meant to be' sh*t, but in the absence of any other options it as good of an approach as any other I can think of. You have to be STRONG and move forward...regardless of the outcome, you will be proud that you were and you will look back one day and be able to say "I handled that the right way". Every situation is different, every relationship is different...there is no perfect rule or advice that can be applied from one situation over to another. Be careful about following the advice of others, regardless of how wise they seem to be. People and relationships are way too complex for there to be manuals on how best to work through bumps in the relationship road. This I know.

Don't get me wrong, I'm frickin' devastated. I love this woman more than life itself and it kills me to know that she needs this break. Do I want to call her, see her, etc.? Hell yes! Will I? Hell NO! I firmly believe that if I were to do so it would only delay her need for a break, which would only make matters worse in the long run. And what if you were to call her and convince her that she was making a mistake? I'd bet money that that set of emotions would only get pushed back, not extinguished. It hurts, I know, but move forward, get stronger...either she or someone equally or more deserving will see the confidence that results and will not be able to withstand its allure. Pick some goals and pursue them with all of your energy, spoil yourself, drown yourself in booze for a couple of days if you have to...and then pour the rest down the sink, stay busy and don't let the bad days ruin the good ones. And if you love her and you think its salvagable, leave the door open...but don't be looking over your shoulder to see if she walks through it.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 2:26am
if he wants u, he can call u.

and that's it

i wd not call him

let him call u

and if he asks u why, ask him why he hasn't called u.

he is verrrrrrrrrrrry controlling

i wd stop w him soooooooo fast

kittiesx6
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:57am
Thanks everyone for the advice....Emptor I really appreciate yours. What should you do when they call you and ask to hang out or go out to do something, but still want the break?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:10pm
Thats a tough one, one that only you can answer. I can't tell you what you should do, but I can suggest some of the questions you should be asking yourself if/when he should want to hang out:

-What does 'hang out' mean? Being a guy, I know that having someone in your back pocket as a fall back or 2nd option is a tempting safety net. Its a way of keeping someone close while exploring options. Be wary of anyone who wants to have their cake and eat it too...its indicative of someone who doesn't know what they want and are willing to sacrifice your feelings while they figure it out.

-What do you want from him? To hang out and share him with other women, or to have him exclusively? I'm guessing its the latter. If so, then you have a hard decision to make, one which you have to base off what both your heart and head are telling you. To me, 'hanging out' is like being in limbo...you don't know where you stand. There is little strength and confidence to be found in limbo, and I can tell you that any guy worth a sh*t admires strength and confidence, they are 2 of the most attractive qualities. Why? Because it becomes a challenge when the woman makes it clear that she doesn't NEED him and that he has to earn her love.

-If he wants a break, will speaking with him only delay the 'break'? There are a lot of different opinions on this one (believe me, I've heard them all over the past couple of months), but I firmly believe that a break needs to be a break. As much as I want to talk to her, I will not initiate it, knowing that if I do I will only heighten my own anxiety and prevent or delay her from realizing what she has to lose. Every time your lives touch one another during a break, whether through phone calls, emails, etc., you start spinning all over again, and you may be sending a signal to him that 'I still love you' even if you don't come right out and say it. Total radio silence, on the other hand, sends the message that you are moving on and will not tolerate being strung along. Its hard, but I think its necessary.

-If you love him and you are certain he loves you, then what is the fastest way for him to come full circle? In my opinion, its by having the separation to allow time to fully realize what he may be losing. Nothing will drive the risk of loss home faster than if you drop completely out of his life...and don't feel bad for doing so, he prompted it.

I wish I could offer you better guidance, but at the end of the day you have to make the decision that feels right in your heart and does not leave you open to being taken advantage of. Sticking to your guns and not taking him back on anything but YOUR own terms will have one of 2 results: he'll want you back and you'll be in a position to dictate the terms that you need to have, or you'll move forward with strength and confidence and by the time he realizes he's made a mistake, someone else has entered your life and found a gem on the ground that some fool errantly left unattended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 5:03pm
Gosh you speak so well.... Maybe it's because you been through this same thing recently...You really said exactly the right things....Thank you so much... You have really helped me during this very hard time......Thank You Again and email me anytime please stehamilton@my.nhmccd.edu