Was this cheating? Why do I feel guilty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Was this cheating? Why do I feel guilty?
15
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 5:17pm
Two months into my budding relationship with my current boyfriend (we'll be together 2 years in Feb), a drug-fueled evening led to a hookup (just making out) with his best friend. A month later when my boyfriend was out of town, the best friend and I slept together. We slept together two other times in the span of a few weeks and then I ended it because I started having real feelings for my now boyfriend. During the time I was hooking up with the best friend, the boyfriend and I weren't officially dating, and we hadn't discussed our exclusivity or even called each other "boyfriend/girlfriend" but it was evident we were a couple.

Would you consider my episode with the best friend cheating? This issue has been killing me for months. I love my boyfriend immensely and share everything with him- except for this. I hope to marry this man. On one hand I want to "confess" so that this will stop eating at me, but I know it will be selfish, because I will get it off my chest meanwhile my boyfriend will have to deal with the hurt of this knowledge. Also, my boyfriend now lives with this "best friend." I am no longer friendly to this best friend, but I am finding it hard to make up excuses why I don't want him to be invited to social outings.

Please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 5:28pm
"Two months into my budding relationship with my current boyfriend (we'll be together 2 years in Feb), a drug-fueled evening led to a hookup (just making out) with his best friend....Also, my boyfriend now lives with this "best friend." I am no longer friendly to this best friend, "

Reading this, I feel like playing a game called 'can you find all of the mistakes?'

This is why you feel guilty. Even if you two were not exclusive you lied to him and sleeping with the best friend of even someone you dated a few times is in such bad taste.

So now what do you do. Did you ever talk to the best friend about this afterward? Do you fear that he will tell your bf?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 5:31pm
it would appear that the two people closest to him- his best friend and his girlfriend have betrayed him twice-- the first time by having sex, the second time by continuing to hide this fact from him.

Would I consider it cheating? Not really. Dishonest yes.

And you are continuing to be dishonest by having to constantly lie (not make up excuses, it's called LYING) about why you don't want to be around his friend.

What happened 2 years ago can be dealt with and probably forgotten... but as you continue to lie and hide the truth day after day and avoid social events, you are now putting fresh lies on top of deceit on top of more lies.

Confessing isn't about being selfish. It's about having a conscience and the courage to admit to and take responsibility for your behavior. Sometimes the consequences of poor choices are painful- that's the way life is.

If you made a dumb mistake in the past, you may just gain more respect from him, and self-respect for yourself, by having the guts to step up to the plate and accept, rather than excuse, what you did.

Warm Regards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 5:44pm
I agree sleeping w/someone's best friend is in bad taste.

The best friend and I have talked and agreed not to say anything. I don't fear he will say anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 5:51pm


You just added another lie and form of betrayal to the list.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 6:00pm
I think the thing to ask yourself is if your bf slept with someone else during this "dating" time, would you feel cheated on? Even though you didn't verbally say, "We are exclusive", you say it was obvious that you were a couple. You can justify what you did as not cheating all you want because of this technicality, but you feel guilty for a reason. Why? Because you know what you did was selfish and mean. And now, you constantly have this issue in your face. What to do now? I'm all for honesty. Not to relieve you of your guilt, nessessarily, but because your bf has a right to know exactly who you are and who his possible futre wife may be. If this was a lover that he didn't know and who was just a faint memory of yours, perhaps keeping it to yourself would be ok. But this is not the case. You slept with his best friend. His best friends slept with you, his gf. And bf is the only one not in on this big secret. You are both treating him like a fool, saying you want to protect his feelings by not telling him. Don't do him any favors or try to spare him. It's not fair to your bf to constantly have to be around you two thinking one thing, and the truth is something entirely different. I think you should do the honerable thing NOW, at least, and come clean. Then leave it up to your bf if he wants to have anything to do with his best friend or you. If you really love him, you owe him that much respect. JMHO.


Edited 11/25/2003 6:02:39 PM ET by dune_baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 8:29pm
You feel guilty b/c you know it was not a nice thing to do to be sleeping with his best friend behind his back, exclusive or not. When a person has to keep something secret from his or her SO it's because they know it was wrong. Whether it was officially cheating or not is irrelevant. If you felt totally justified in the fact that you and he were not bf/gf or officially dating, you would not have kept it a secret for 2 years nor would you feel guilt. Would you have cared if your bf had been sleeping with your best friend during the period you describe (when you slept w/ his best friend)? Human beings have feelings and you disregarded his. If you felt at the time that he'd be hurt by it (which you must have to kept it from him even back then), and still went ahead and did it not once but several times, then...that explains your guilt. To tell or not to tell? That's the question. I agree that to tell him is selfish and only to ease your own guilty conscience. But to not tell him is continuing the lie of omission and deceipt that exists between you, and the longer the time goes on the more strongly will he feel the betrayal when he finally does find out. That's why it's not a good idea to start a relationship with secrets and deception as the foundation. Treat ALL people with respect and empathy, no matter what their relationship is with you (whether or not they hold an "official" title) and you won't find yourself with these types of problems. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 4:36am
I think the hardest thing he will have to deal with about the whole situation is the fact that you have kept this from him for so long. You didn't cheat on him, and had it not been with his best friend whom the two of you see all the time, I would advise against you ever mentioning it. I agree that sometimes you should have to carry the burden of your mistakes/actions on your own if the only reason you would tell and hurt the other person is to clear your conscience. However, this is his girlfriend/future wife and best friend we are talking about. I think you should talk to the friend and see what he says about all of this. I also think it might be best for you to just go ahead and tell him because what if he found out from someone else? What if the other guy told him one day? He would not only feel betrayed by two people that mean a lot to him, but he would feel like a complete fool. He might also question your integrity and how much he could trust you. Just tell him that you never wanted to tell him for the obvious reasons, but that you want to be able to move past this and just get everything out in the open. I am sure that his reaction won't be good, and there is no telling how things will change, but I am sure that all three of you can get past this. It would be different had you cheated on him, but you didn't, and you feel so guilty because of the circumstances. I am sure you would have never done this had you known the two of you were going to end up in such a serious relationship. Again, I think the most damaging part about this is that the lie has gone on for so long so don't let it go on any longer. Besides, if this is the man you are going to marry, you need to be able to be honest with him, no matter what the consequences. How would you feel if you were in his position? Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 10:32am
It is so selfish of you to consider confessing so that you can get it off your chest - what about the impact on your boyfriend? My guess is that you do not have real feelings for your boyfriend because you are the type of person to blame your actions on being on drugs or drunk - and that is not consistent with a person who can truly give to another and be trustworthy. My advice - if you have changed, start fresh with someone new once you have worked hard on yourself, learn from your mistakes and get counseling for your drug and alcohol related problems. You can change - but hurting someone else so that you can get it off your chest is not the way to do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 11:31am
You feel guilty because you are guilty - the fact that you and your boyfriend were not exclusive at the time - doesn't excuse the behavior. What about your morals and ethics? And why not tell him back then? This couldn't be bothering you or eating at you as much as you say if you have let almost 2 years past.

And to answer your question - yes, you should definitely tell him because better it come from you than from the best friend. Just be prepared that this could damage your relationship beyond repair and your boyfriend might walk away from you & his "best friend" feeling completely betrayed.

Good luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 4:20pm
Break up with your boyfriend, and don't tell him anything. You've already destroyed his relationship with his best friend. A normal person wouldn't dream of doing what you did, and you must have known it was cheating because you had to wait until your bf was out of town to do it. Maybe lay off the drugs, I don't think you can handle them, you're out of control.

Sarah

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