Was Involved w/ a Man 20 years older

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Was Involved w/ a Man 20 years older
4
Fri, 08-29-2008 - 10:21pm

My mother was cheated on by my father when I was a kid. I always thought it was my mother's fault for being so cranky, mean and seemingly unattractive to my father.

I, through out my adult years, have internalized that and tried to be opposite of my mother. I was extremely passive, gentle, flirty, and very sexually willing.

I am 23 years old now, and trying to be a journalist. I had a history of child abuse(my mother hit me until I was bruised for anything until I was 12 years old). My father sometimes forgot my birthday or my name b/c he is gone at work so much.

I am 23 years old and had 6-7 sexual parterns. The most recent one is 20 years older. I am ashamed! I am ashamed, b/c I had sex with every guy on the 1st date. One of them (29 years old) became my boyfriend for 2 years, and that was the worst 2 years of my life. He didn't respect me, flirted with other women in front of me, and was too immature.

And this 20 years older than me man whom I dumped 1st (I don't care how much money he makes or has his Ph.D.), I totally feel that he is 17 year old (maturity wise) in a 43 year old man's body.

I mean, he still talks about his years when he was my age...smoking everything there is, drugging, and having sex with girls left and right. And when he talks about this, he is talking about it as if he was proud and wish he can re-live that.

I am 23 years old now and even I can identify my wrongful behavior from when I was a teenager, and I could see that he, at age 43, could not.

So did I shed many tears after I dumped him? Not really...I believe like 2 real tears?

What were the tears about?

They were about this reoccurring belief I have of myself: "Sleeping with guys is all I know." All I have in this world is mostly myself, my brains, and my strength. Maybe my friends and family. I am telling my friends white lies about my love life so I won't be judged. My family is not there for me. I don't cry in front of my mother, b/c if I do, she would internalize it and worry for me, and it would be like I should have never told her. My father doesn't talk much. I would never tell my mother about my being sexually active, b/c it is not allowed in our culture b4 marriage; I was saying that I don't let my mom know when I get rejected for a job, b/c I am afraid of being weak in front of her.

So here is what I need advice on:
I cannot guarantee that I won't have another one-night stand. I really want to stop now! I want a healthy relationship! I want to wait until like the 15th date to have sex and not the 1st. I will admit that I do on some level have low-self esteem, regardless of the strength, and walls I hold up. I work hard in life and I try to be independent. I think I have my heart so shield that I can have sex and walk out without broken heart. And that is what I have been doing.

* How will I ever put down that shield, and trust? I feel that it will take a lot of soul searching, and time, or I will choose to never be in a commitment for as long as I live.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 1:37am

Welcome to the board embarrassed_shamed,


You are doing a lot of soul searching which I think is good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 8:27am

It sounds like you are working hard to heal and take control of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 12:44pm

I am 23 but I do manage to live on on own. I don't live with my parents. I am in therapy now. I have been in therapy. I have an appointment in 4 days.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful response.

Up to what age was your mother verbally abusive? (the nasty comments)

What you told me made me realize that I must understand the way I grew up without a father figure and understand why he was the way he is to help me heal and make wiser decisions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 6:09pm

It was during my teenage years, and it got worse for my younger sister after I left for college.