Was it a mistake?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Was it a mistake?
7
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:36pm
I recently broke up with my boyfriend because sometimes he made me fell unimportant. We would have plans and he would show up 3 hours late or never at all. Other then that our relationship was perfect and I do not think I could have anyone as perfect or love someone as much. I broke up with him because I could not stand being stood up anymore. Later I realized it was my fault. He told me I argued too much and had an attitude a lot. He said the reason why he sometimes did not come was becasue he didn't want to hear my mouth, but he still love me to death and he did other things to show it like treating me to the spa or taking me shopping. I recently asked for him bakc and he said yes we can make this work. A few days after he came back from Daytona for sring break he said he just wants to be friends now. I do not understand what happened. All I want to know is if he still cares for me. He recently took me to prom and paid for everything. I'm trying to hard to get him back but he says I make him feel uncomfortable when he is around me because he says I am mean and have a attitude. He says he will not even consider us working on our relationship until I make him feel comfortable, but he still wants to have sex. I don't know what to do. Is he being realistic about is feelings or is he playing games with me? I love him more then anything and I just want him back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:43pm
im not going to say anything about his character, because i don't know what kind of person he is so i will not judge. but, can you truly be happy having sex with him while he doesn't wanna get back?

maybe when you talk to him, don't have much expectations. just enjoy time together, and appreciate the things he does for you. try not to blame him or get mad. its all for loss cause. just enjoy yourself, and see if he could get comfortable with that. don't think he HAS to do something. he does things because he can and wants to.

but other than that, having sex with someone you love, but he doesn't feel the same, isn't healthy for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 4:05pm
As long as you are willing to beg for the remaining scraps of what you once had, hes going to keep hanging around and making no committment.

If he says that he doesnt want the committment with you, then why are you letting him say no and still reap what comes BECAUSE of the committment? You are giving everything and gaining nothing and its definitely not going to push him to any decision.

If he wants to be friends, then fine - friends it is. Friends do not have sex, though. Sorry, that is what I do when I am in a committment. If he doesnt want the less pleasurable parts of a relationship, why are you giving him the benefits that you save for those that you are in a relationship with?That makes no sense.

Honey, if you want him to make a decision, you must leave him alone and get him to start thinking of what he would miss. Dont call him, dont cry to him, move on. This will help you to get into a better perspective over your own life in the process and you may thank him later for what he has been doing to you.

It all comes down to 'what do you want from him?' If you want a relationship, then stop the sex because if you dont, he'll string you along for as long as you'll let him. Friends are friends, couples are couples, he has to make a stand sometime. Either set you free and leave you alone or make a better committment and then reap the benefits of it. But he has it both ways. He can see others if he wants, and still keep you hoping to get him back. Be firm and tell him that its all or nothing in this. Relationship or no, but that means no affection if no relationship. Period.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 4:57pm
There sounds to be little real love between you. In your post I see neediness and insecurity, disrespect and dysfunction. Caring about someone and enjoying sex with them is not the same as the type of mature, respectful love that makes an adult relationship successful and happy. You both seem to be showing the other disrespect -- you with your words, he with his behavior. And never accept responsibility for another person's behavior. You may nag or whatever but he is choosing his own response to that. Have either of you heard of discussion and resolution? Compromise? Problem solving? You both seem to be reactionary and immature in this relationship.

It's not an unusual response after a break up to wonder if you will ever find anyone else who will admire you, find you attractive, care about you, want to be with you, etc. BUT....you will. Think about it logically -- it's silly to think he's the only person on this whole earth who will want you. And, if you settle for something like this that leaves you unhappy merely because you fear starting over or being alone, you will never actually find that true happiness you seek b/c you'll be stuck with "good enough for now but not completely what I want and need." Happiness is a state of mind that is achieved by making wise choices. Wise choices are the result of learning from our mistakes and errors in judgement. Please learn from this experience and know that you are a person worthy of another's love and respect.

The day you accept and believe that being a happy and secure individual, even if you're alone, is better than being in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship is the day you'll be one giant step closer to being able to find and develop a healthy, happy relationship with someone. Good luck getting there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 6:15pm
i understand you. I have chosen no to sleep with him. I just do not know what I can do to get him back. I really want to try and spend time with him so he can see how much I have changed and see that I will not nag on him. I spoke with his mother and she told me that he hates bickering and fighting and if he is around someone who does that a lot he will not want to be around them. His grandma bickers a lot and I know he is not very fond of her and his mother told me that he avoided his grandmother for almost a yr b/c everytime he came around she always nagged him. Now I pretty much feel that our realtionship can work if I change my ways. I spoke with my mom and dad and they said I nagged him a lot. I don't know how to work on getting him back and also giving him his space. I don't want to seem to needy like one post said b/c then I'll just always be there and he'll never come to a decision. I do not know how much space is not enough or what is too much and he might slip away. I know that if I were in a realtionship and it was b/c of the other persons actions it did not work, I would not try to get back with them. so i feel that it is my place to make it work. He shows signs that he still cares and then he shows signs like he doesn't. My mother said that he probably still cares about me but is still mad for me breaking up with him. I care about him so much and he was there when I know most guys wouldn't be. How much is enough space to get him back?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 12:00pm
It sounds like you are fairly young and inexperienced with relationships. As an older guy I'd like to give you a few thoughts on what "space" is all about.

Many men are not emotionally driven people that can be emotionally "ON" all the time. We need re-charge time. We're kind of like Energizer Bunny Rechargable Batteries. We can run hard for a period of time then we need to be recharged before running again. Most men do not put feelings and emotions as their #1 priority in life. During any given day our priorities can change to what we are doing or trying to accomplish that day.

When I am at work, that is my #1 priority. When I am with an SO, she is my #1 priority. When I am out with my kids, they are my #1 priority. I respect my SO's feelings and I consider her in my important decisions, but this does not mean I will do it her way all the time because of her feelings.

Time is the most valuable thing I have and many men feel the same way. I have not met 1 single man that likes nagging, whining, complaining or "its all about what I want" kinds of attitdues. We (especially younger men) will spend our time when attitudes are positive and comfortable. We seek to give positively to relationships when there is a safe, positive and life-enhancing environment with our SO. We want an SO that gives us respect, honor and dignity while she accepts accountability and responsibility for her own life as equal partners.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 2:34pm
I wonder how old you are not that it will make things different but, I married at 19 and at the time I honestly felt like I was running out of time, I moved out young 16 (alone not with a guy ) so I dated, worked, and really did feel as though I was much older. Anyway what I’m getting at is there was this one guy Steve I’ll never forget him but we had an on and off relationship right up until I married my husband, we loved each other. I think too much. Anyway what I mean is I thought he was it, my everything, now I see (even though my husband and I have problems) that he and I couldn’t have had half of what I have now. And it is a shame that the guys we love to be with-- can’t always be who we can stand to be with. I think maybe you are in that boat too, in which I really don’t know if I made the right call but I will say as far as the kids, and responsibilities there isn’t even a question I made the right call letting it go, even though he maybe always somewhere near your hart, or mind, it just may be-- not meant to be, I ramble sometimes so I hope this makes since.

Keep in mind… I also have issues;

I am not qualified by any means.

So please do what is best for you in the long run, you will be the one living with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 3:15pm
Since you are a guy I can really go with your instinct because I am trying to see where he is at. Ever since we broke up all he does is go to parties and to clubs. I know he always did this before we were together but when we got together he pretty much stopped, because he wanted to. Now I feel that he was just missing having fun and he wants to go do that for awhile then come back to me. He claims that he doesn't care about anyone as much as me and he knows we'll get back together he said when he says it's hard for him b/c he wants to be with me but I don't think he wants to deal with the arguing. He tols me that he won't consider getting back with me until I make him feel comfortable around me. Is he being realistic or just stringing me along while he has his fun. How am I able to prove to him that I am willing to change in order to better our realtionship.