Was it wrong of me to say something?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Was it wrong of me to say something?
3
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 11:33pm
This situation may sound silly, as part of me thinks it is...My boyfriend of two years is a very easy going kind of guy. He's very relaxed about many things, and he doesn't care too much for getting all dressed up for things. I don't mind this at all and never complain about it.

However, in the past few months, I've felt as though he hasn't been as "hygenic" as he used to be. He's pretty much stopped wearing deodorant and honestly, sometimes his underarms don't smell too good (sorry if I gross anyone out). He spends a lot of time at the beach, and he won't often jump straight into the shower after getting out of the water.

I've never, never said anything to him and I've pretty much just let it go. But last night, he had not showered or brushed his teeth all day. I picked him up from his friend's house in the morning because they had gone out the night before. From there, we went to his parent's house, visited his uncle for his birthday, went to his sister's house, and went to my place late at night to go to bed. He had had a few drinks.

I asked him if he would shower and brush his teeth before going to bed because he had not done so all day. I said it as nicely as possible. He asked why, and I told him that his underarms smelled, and he'd make the sheets dirty and that it was hard for me too. I felt like I just had to finally say something. It's not like he skips showers everyday. He's good about taking a shower, but there are times when I just don't think it's enough in terms of what he does for personal hygiene, and it's getting hard for me to deal with.

Well, he got upset. He felt I could have said it more tactfully, but I don't know how else I could have said it without beating around the bush. And we've been together long enough for me to be able to say something like that to him. I wasn't rude when I said it. He also felt like I shouldn't have said anything because he didn't think it was all that bad (i.e. he doesn't do it often and it's not like he had gone two or three days without a shower). He also asked me when, in our busy day, he could have showered. I told him he could have showered at his mom's place or even before we went to bed -- even though he was tired and a little drunk.

He also built it up and said that there was probably more to my feelings about the whole situation. And he started talking about how not everyone can have a wardrobe like me, and he brought up other issues about how he currently doesn't have a full time job, and that I make more than him. And I didn't understand where he got all this from. I told him I've never cared about what he wears, or what he does for a living. I just wanted him to take a shower.

So, as silly as my story may sound, I'd like to get others thoughts on it as to whether or not I should have not said anything. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but I did. But at the same time, and I say this honestly, if he had asked me to do the same thing, I would have been embarrassed, but then I would have said thanks for letting me know, and I would have taken a shower.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:18am
I think you had every right to say something.

As long as you didn't say, "you stink, get out of my bed now!" then you said it nicely. He needs to realize that just because it does not bother him, doesn't mean it does not bother you. He is a grown man. Men need to shower daily and they NEED to wear deodorant even if all they are going to do is sit around the house.

He is just upset because he is embarassed and instead of just saying, "ok honey" and cleaning up he is becoming defensive. Hopefully he will calm down but if he continues to act like a baby, you may want to find a new guy. In relationships you have to be able to be honest with someone, you have to be able to speak your opinions and it sounds like he is a little immature and can't handle direct communication.

You did nothing wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 2:13pm

first of all = it is NOT a silly problem, its probably more common than you may think, and if it affects YOU, then it needs to be dealt with.


second - you were not wrong, it doesn't sound like you were disrespectful in any way.


now - the point is that you shouldn't have to feel bad or embarrassed. people need to shower on a daily basis, and use deoderant and brush their teeth. these are BASICS. ok - so you told him, and now the ball is in his court. if he doesn't CARE, if he is INCONSIDERATE, if HE thinks its ok to disrespect you - then you have a problem.


another point i wanted to raise is his drinking, is this an ongoing problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:52pm
I don't think it's silly at all. I mean, why do you think some people start to become the non-shower people they are? It's because people never say anything. Esp if you are a guy (no long hair, no leg shaving) and you were too lazy/busy to shower and put on deodorant and it started out as like one day a month and no one said anything and you didn't really notice wouldn't you feel okay doing it more and more until you were just some dirty person? I think that's how people become that way, because their friends and girlfriends aren't nice enough to say anything. That's happened to me in a relationship and when I said something he got all mad and started to be worse and we just ended up breaking up because he stunk and was being immature and lazy and didn't respect what I had to tell him.

I think it would make sense that he'd start talking about your money and job and wardrobe during this conversation because when people get in fights they tend to just blurt out everything that's been bothering them, IE his jealousy over where you are in your life maybe? For example my sister got a divorce a year ago and my husband of 1 1/2 years are building a house. She was telling me about a guy she met who has severe mental/emotionally baggage and since she tells me to be honest with her I say "he sounds like a sweet guy, but you have to be sure you are ready to be there for him esp with all of these emotional things going on" Well she freaked out and started yelling at me for my happy life and my house. This doesn't have anything to do with htis persons emotion issues, but the fight gave her the fuel she needed to tell me how jealous/mad she was about me moving forward with my life. So while it didn't make sense at the time why he'd bring that stuff up, I think it was just something he envied or wanted to vent about and this fight gave him the means to do it.

If this showering thing gets worse, I don't mean to sound crazy, but that might be your cue to step out. He obviously is kind of lazy and doesn't respect your opinion...or anyones nose and is acting immature. Good luck!