wasting time???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
wasting time???
4
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 10:39pm
Hey...

Im just looking for any comments or opinions...im looking for some different point of view...

Here's my dilema...my ex and i broke up in sept because he moved to another state about 2 hours away. He was starting a new job and thought he would be working too much to have a relationship. I wanted to have the long distance thing and he did not. AS it turns out he really was working alot and still is. He works about a 60-70 hour work week on the average. However we have seen each other a few times since he moved and we talk all the time. Any time he comes home to see his family or friends he always makes sure to see me and I have gone there once.

So here is the issue...i tried to move on right when we broke up. I was doing well! I was out looking for other guys all the time. Then he came back to me. He contacted me after about three weeks and every since then we talk alot. He acts like he is interested, but is he really? talked pretty much as if we are bf and gf. It is sickening, the amount he contacts me. He calls me basically a couple times a week or texts me and always calls me every weekend, but my question is ...is he calling to check to see what im doing. He'll call me when he goes out and when he comes home. half the time i am usually sleeping when he calls me when he get home. With the talking we go in spurts. I try not to be the one contacting him...i wait for him to contact me but usually it is not that long. Like a week ago he called me or texted every day. But then this week we have not realy talked at all. He does these 360 moves...two weeks stalking one week nothing...

I am almost positive that he is not really out looking for other girls...but then again i could be being very naive. He is not that type of guy though...never has he tried to pick up a girl at a bar...hes out to drink and like i said he is obessed with his work.

So i want to knwo what to do. He obviously has feelings for me and i obviously have MORE feelings for him. We have a weird relationship and i dont know how to explain it. am i wasting my time? Probably...what do you think? I am not even interested in looking for other guys though and the hardest part is i am best friends with his sister. This happened after we broke up. Real weird i know...and i am even real close with one of his other siblings now too. SO i now youll probably say get away but with all the connections to his family its so hard to cut him off. Ok im done rambling now..any advice or comments would greatly appreciated. Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jezare24
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 11:30pm
You didn't break up due to faults in your relationship. You broke up because he moved away for career interests and he was unable to maintain the same level of time & attention investment he feels is required to grow a relationship. This does not mean that his acceptance, appreciation or admiration for you has changed 1 bit. He likely still cares deeply about you and wishes to maintain contact with you and keep some form of relationship with you. He likely works long hours to learn his new job and to pass time with something he enjoys rather than being alone.

You both need to take a realistic look at your wants & needs and understand what it takes for them to be met and if you can contribute positively to each other's wants and needs. If you can not find common ground on this with a pledge to work together on this, then consider him a friend that truely does care about your best interests. For a relationship to work you must also be proactive and contribute value to his needs, otherwise it is a one-way street with him having the sole obligation of effort. This is a recipe for failure. When was the last time you picked up the phone and initiated a call to him?

I'm concerned over your use of the word "stalking". If you truely and honestly feel this way then I think you hold too much resentment against him leaving. Be true and honest to yourself then take positive action. If you do nothing then you give up your right to complain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: jezare24
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 10:35am

I would bluntley ask him what he is looking to get out of everythng.He hasnt said anything differently, so i would assume that he still soes not want a long distancew relationship and that these antics are just a ploy to keep track of you.Kinda like, he dont want you, but he doesnt want anyone else to either, which isnt fair.


He either needs to give the relationship a chance at long distance, or let you move on and try and maintain a friendship..but having his cake and eat it too will not be an option.

cl-marsexpert

 

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jezare24
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:45am

There is a very simple and clear answer to all of this. Get it out on the table. Straight talk. Rather than sit and wonder, hope, imagine and fantasize - simply have an out and out discussion. Ask him what's going on? Are you broken up? Does he want a relationship? What are his plans? Then listen carefully to what he says. If he's evasive, or can't be clear that he does want you - just drop this like a hot potato. Some guys enjoy playing mind games, keeping someone on the string, having them around and yet having freedom to do what they want. This kind of situation will waste your time, tie up your heart and make you a bit crazy. You don't need it. You have to be clear about what's going on. Then, you decide. If he isn't forthright and clear about his feelings, let him know that there is no reason for this kind of contact to keep going on. You want to make a fresh start and it's holding you back. Just that simple. Then keep to it. If he keeps trying to contact you (as he well may), don't play the game. Don't answer. This is not harsh, but fair. You need to know where you stand, not have your heart and head played with. When you are clear it's over, then you can become really available to someone who is around and who wants you.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
In reply to: jezare24
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 3:46pm
Thank you for your response....I do feel very much the same way you do. I think he does still have feelings for me but can't let them fully out because of the distance. Even one of his closest friends said the same thing. He randomly brought it up with me one time when we were hanging out and said "whats going on with you guys". Of course my response was i dont know and he said my ex was the same thing. He proceeded to say well you knew this had to happen because of the distance, not because of you. Things are completely fine when we are together but that time is so rare. I have only been there once and he's been home maybe five times. I used to initiate calls if he didnt to make sure we would talk at least once a week but then our contact got so frequent it was like he was constantly calling me. BUt we are back at a standstill there has been barely any contact in the last two weeks. BUt you are right I should try the more friendly route. I always initiate plans to go and visit but its a constant response of I have to work that weekend or im going skiing. So i constantly feel like things happen on his time, when he has time for me. So like you said i need to evaluate whether things can work or not...like if my needs will be met. I know i need to have a talk so i guess before i through away all this time i might as well....have the bid dreaded talk. It just seems so inappropriate for the phone but i have no choice.

Thank you so much for your input and advice...i appreaciate it