We are both so tired!
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| Sat, 03-14-2009 - 8:11pm |
Quick synopsis:
*married 17 years, 4 homeschooled kids, 5th on the way, on the verge of bankruptcy
We are both so tired. He works away from home as a truck driver. Lately he has had to work 6 days a week and is home about 3-4 times per month I have cut back on work at his request and now only work part time from home. I have four children that are homeschooled, live on 4 acres in the country with about one acre of organic produce to care for in summer. I am pregnant with the 5th and have severe morning sickness (vomitting several times a day, dizziness, fatigue, fainting, headaches, drastic weight loss). We have serious debt and are close to bankruptcy but are fighting it off.
Problem:
He is constantly criticising me. He doesn't feel that I value him and the home that he has provided. His "proof" that I don't value the home is that it is never clean enough and "basic" home owner responsabilities are not done. That is, my house was vacummed, dusted, toys away, dishes done, laundry done BUT the exterior of the windows are dirty (it's still winter), there is dog hair under and behind the furniture, the toys are put away but NOT in the right boxes, there is cat hair stuck to the bed linens and sand in the mudroom. I did the best I could between vomits!He feels that if I loved him I would make sure his house was ready for him when he came home. I would have my kids under control and not let the little ones shout and run around.
He came home today for his brief one day visit. He arrived at noon, worked on his truck for an hour, had lunch and then left!!!!!! He said this house was trashed and he could not stand to be here. WTF?
My son was dumbfounded looking around at all the cleaning that was done. He feels that Daddy must have had another reason.


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Edited 3/15/2009 3:35 am ET by peaceyma
You're not going to like what I have to say, but I can tell you what is going through your husband's mind.
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Thank you. Yes, I feel you are both pretty accurate. Yes, he has always disliked my housekeeping but it was not always the focus of his complaints.
He is very very very very stressed. He comes from a poor family that went bankrupt when he was 5 and never recovered. They had to move constantly to keep in affordable housing. His father never owned a home again. He is so proud of owning a home and fears he will lose it (our debt is being secured by our home). I have always been the thrifty one. I have never abused our money but he dislikes how items wear out and break at home (with 4 kids, a cat and a dog in the home FULL time, things wear out and break quicker than at homes where the kids are in school 5 days a week). Mind you, our stuff is not "new". Most things were acquired second hand and already worn. The appliances are 11 years old and the ones using our hard water (dishwasher and washing machine) are starting to malfunction. It is not my fault. I do a lot of washing!
Yes, he has said that he feels hopeless...that he will never get out of this job that he hates. He feels trapped in it by debt but if he quits now, we go bankrupt (the debt is the company's debt). He has to save the company first in order to quit but bad things keep happening (engine blew in January and costs us $19800 to repair and just 2 days ago he had 2 tires fail on the highway...3 weeks after he paid for a complete overhaul and safety inspection!). He really does feel hopeless. He says that if his family loved him, we would protect him and his property and keep the house clean and in good working order. We are trying!!!
I would think he feels welcome when he gets home. We all run out to meet his truck, the kids race to hug him, everyone tries to talk at once....it is chaotic. It is obvious that he is missed. But still, he gets upset that the kids are too excitable and I need to have better control of them. When he is home I try to work on things with him, to be with him. If he needs to go somewhere, I go to. We all want to be as close to him as we can get. We never yell. When he complains to me, I usually respond by crying and apologizing. I really do want to please him.
Surgery is not really pleasing to either of us, but he is definitely upset about not using efficient birth control and I am sure we both would be more careful in the future. He would be pleased if I terminated, but I just can't bring myself to do that. But there will be NO MORE kids after this for sure!
I have suggested sending the kids to school many times, but that makes him very irate. Our son was removed from school as the school complained that he needed special attention that they could not offer. There is one child that functioned well in school and we have talked about him going back, but at this point the school may not take him back as he doesn't have the required credits and he really begs not to go. We removed him also when he started acting up in order to get kicked out like his brother.
You are right. Whatever I am doing is not working. I do need a drastic change. But just not sure what to do. I don't know how to take his stress away. Win the lottery?
mom to Elijah, Paul, Isaiah, Josh, and Angel and expecting in October 2009
Welcome to the board brightsunnyday,
I have to say that your husband sounds more than just stressed to me. He sounds almost abusive.
glitter-graphics.com
Exactly what he says....we need to work as a team....but he feels that
Welcome to the board brightsunnyday,
He wants to be treated as a King and his Castle clean - spotless. Which is fine, but the kids need a role model and need a relationship with their father as well. How much do your kids help you with chores and responsibility for their own toys, etc?
Reading material to consider:
The Care and Proper Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger
Keys to the Kingdom, Alison A. Armstrong
Making Sense of Me, Alison A. Armstrong
He is definitely miserable with life....but I don'T know how to help him!
He is 42, almost 43.
mom to Elijah, Paul, Isaiah, Josh, and Angel and expecting in October 2009
mom to Elijah, Paul, Isaiah, Josh, and Angel and expecting in October 2009
Edited 3/15/2009 7:50 pm ET by peaceyma
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