We are both so tired!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
We are both so tired!
14
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 8:11pm

Quick synopsis:


*married 17 years, 4 homeschooled kids, 5th on the way, on the verge of bankruptcy


We are both so tired. He works away from home as a truck driver. Lately he has had to work 6 days a week and is home about 3-4 times per month I have cut back on work at his request and now only work part time from home. I have four children that are homeschooled, live on 4 acres in the country with about one acre of organic produce to care for in summer. I am pregnant with the 5th and have severe morning sickness (vomitting several times a day, dizziness, fatigue, fainting, headaches, drastic weight loss). We have serious debt and are close to bankruptcy but are fighting it off.


Problem:


He is constantly criticising me. He doesn't feel that I value him and the home that he has provided. His "proof" that I don't value the home is that it is never clean enough and "basic" home owner responsabilities are not done. That is, my house was vacummed, dusted, toys away, dishes done, laundry done BUT the exterior of the windows are dirty (it's still winter), there is dog hair under and behind the furniture, the toys are put away but NOT in the right boxes, there is cat hair stuck to the bed linens and sand in the mudroom. I did the best I could between vomits!He feels that if I loved him I would make sure his house was ready for him when he came home. I would have my kids under control and not let the little ones shout and run around.


He came home today for his brief one day visit. He arrived at noon, worked on his truck for an hour, had lunch and then left!!!!!! He said this house was trashed and he could not stand to be here. WTF?


My son was dumbfounded looking around at all the cleaning that was done. He feels that Daddy must have had another reason.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 1:19am
So was he always like this about the house or did this just start suddenly? I don't think this is about the house not being perfectly clean at all. Even your son picked up on this. Is he really stressed out about the finances? Worrying about losing your home and bankruptcy? He will soon have 7 people to worry about taking care of financially. That is probably a whole lot of pressure on him and he's feeling it big time. How old is he and how long has he had this job? And are there any new people he may have met on a new route?


Edited 3/15/2009 3:35 am ET by peaceyma
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2009
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 3:37am

You're not going to like what I have to say, but I can tell you what is going through your husband's mind.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 9:46am

Thank you. Yes, I feel you are both pretty accurate. Yes, he has always disliked my housekeeping but it was not always the focus of his complaints.


He is very very very very stressed. He comes from a poor family that went bankrupt when he was 5 and never recovered. They had to move constantly to keep in affordable housing. His father never owned a home again. He is so proud of owning a home and fears he will lose it (our debt is being secured by our home). I have always been the thrifty one. I have never abused our money but he dislikes how items wear out and break at home (with 4 kids, a cat and a dog in the home FULL time, things wear out and break quicker than at homes where the kids are in school 5 days a week). Mind you, our stuff is not "new". Most things were acquired second hand and already worn. The appliances are 11 years old and the ones using our hard water (dishwasher and washing machine) are starting to malfunction. It is not my fault. I do a lot of washing!


Yes, he has said that he feels hopeless...that he will never get out of this job that he hates. He feels trapped in it by debt but if he quits now, we go bankrupt (the debt is the company's debt). He has to save the company first in order to quit but bad things keep happening (engine blew in January and costs us $19800 to repair and just 2 days ago he had 2 tires fail on the highway...3 weeks after he paid for a complete overhaul and safety inspection!). He really does feel hopeless. He says that if his family loved him, we would protect him and his property and keep the house clean and in good working order. We are trying!!!


I would think he feels welcome when he gets home. We all run out to meet his truck, the kids race to hug him, everyone tries to talk at once....it is chaotic. It is obvious that he is missed. But still, he gets upset that the kids are too excitable and I need to have better control of them. When he is home I try to work on things with him, to be with him. If he needs to go somewhere, I go to. We all want to be as close to him as we can get. We never yell. When he complains to me, I usually respond by crying and apologizing. I really do want to please him.


Surgery is not really pleasing to either of us, but he is definitely upset about not using efficient birth control and I am sure we both would be more careful in the future. He would be pleased if I terminated, but I just can't bring myself to do that. But there will be NO MORE kids after this for sure!


I have suggested sending the kids to school many times, but that makes him very irate. Our son was removed from school as the school complained that he needed special attention that they could not offer. There is one child that functioned well in school and we have talked about him going back, but at this point the school may not take him back as he doesn't have the required credits and he really begs not to go. We removed him also when he started acting up in order to get kicked out like his brother.


You are right. Whatever I am doing is not working. I do need a drastic change. But just not sure what to do. I don't know how to take his stress away. Win the lottery?

Lynda
mom to Elijah, Paul, Isaiah, Josh, and Angel and expecting in October 2009



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 10:04am

Welcome to the board brightsunnyday,


I have to say that your husband sounds more than just stressed to me. He sounds almost abusive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 11:59am

Exactly what he says....we need to work as a team....but he feels that

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 1:46pm
You know it sounds to me that other than being totally stressed out as if he's got unrealistic expectations. You cannot keep a home in perfectly neat and orderly fashion when you've got 4 kids running around all day. It almost sounds like he resents this pregnancy and blames you for not taking the proper precautions. Like he's thinking, oh no, all I need is another mouth to feed. As far as the house I bet you could have a cleaning service crew come in and clean the house to perfection, and he still would find something to complain about. The first thing you need to do is get him to realize it's not the house that bothering him, and sit down and talk about what is really bothering him. I also don't think he can complain about not feeling loved and then complain when the kids run out to meet him that you don't have them under control. What I'm saying is if you told them to sit down on the couch and not go greet him, then he would probably complain about how he doesn't feel loved cause the kids don't come out to greet him anymore. See what I mean? He is complaining because he is miserable with his life and that's what people do when their miserable. How old is he? Reason I ask is because on top of all this, he could be going thru a mid-life crisis.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 1:59pm

Welcome to the board brightsunnyday,

He wants to be treated as a King and his Castle clean - spotless. Which is fine, but the kids need a role model and need a relationship with their father as well. How much do your kids help you with chores and responsibility for their own toys, etc?

Reading material to consider:

The Care and Proper Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger
Keys to the Kingdom, Alison A. Armstrong
Making Sense of Me, Alison A. Armstrong





iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 4:51pm

He is definitely miserable with life....but I don'T know how to help him!


He is 42, almost 43.

Lynda
mom to Elijah, Paul, Isaiah, Josh, and Angel and expecting in October 2009



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 4:54pm
Thank you for the book suggestions. DH would like the kids to do more of their own cleaning, but the two youngest (3 & 5) have a really difficult time cleaning up after themselves. The older two often clean up after the younger two.

Lynda
mom to Elijah, Paul, Isaiah, Josh, and Angel and expecting in October 2009



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pregnancy calendar





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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 7:47pm
Then I bet he is going thru a mid-life crisis. They are really difficult to deal with when they go thru this. Would he go to counseling of some sort? I can recommend a book called" Men In midlife crisis" by Jim Conway which may help you understand where his head is at.


Edited 3/15/2009 7:50 pm ET by peaceyma

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