We have fallen out of love
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We have fallen out of love
| Wed, 10-20-2004 - 11:52am |
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We have never split up. The 1st 9 years were wonderful. But, after we got married, it just went down hill from there. Now, we don't like each other. Can't stand to be around each other. I know that we still love each other. We're still intimate at least once a week. But, it's like, that's all we have in common. I don't know what to do to rekindle our love. We're not in love any more. I just don't like the man that he's become. What should we do???? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!

Pianoguy went through the EXACT SAME THING during his first marriage...but "falling out of love" happened after the first 7 years
The woman I married 'till death do us part' was no longer in love with me...and vice versa! Not really anybody's fault...it happened! {And yes, ivillagers...we tried to RECONNECT through counselling, family, friends, and even a vacation together...and all of these options failed)! Almost 9 years later we divorced!
Your situation puzzles me????
What doesn't make sense is why you continue to be intimate with one another? By doing this, aren't the 2 of you are just "going through the motions?" Even though the sex might be GREAT, is this the ONLY reason you're still "in love" with your husband?
You weren't explicit about "the man he has become"---and all of us can speculate! Did your husband have an affair? Turn into a sex pervert? Is he lazy or verbally abusive? I guess I could go on and on? However...here's one alternative.
While YOU might not be happy with the way your husband has become---your husband might not be particularly thrilled about..."the wife YOU'VE TURNED INTO?"
Pianoguy
ZOWIE! There are a lot of issues here!
But the most important one involves TRUST...and it's clear that your husband has lost that for you?
For some men, it only takes one marital infidelity to ruin everything! . You might have assured your husband that another cyber affair will NEVER happen EVER...but in his eyes, you fell off the---I'M THE PERFECT WIFE AND YOU'RE THE ONLY MAN THAT MATTERS TO ME pedestal!
With the 6-months of unemployment and the fact that you've gotten angry with him, your husband's self-esteem is at an ALL TIME LOW! So it should come as no surprise to you that he's nervous about YOU accepting a better living arrangment from somebody else!
Here's a good question for our ivillage ladies: "How much emotional insecurity do you think ANY MAN is capable of handling?" And before you answer...don't use the excuse that the man is supposed to be STRONGER PARTNER! Even the strongest man can have an 'achille's heal!'
While your children have probably experienced the 'after-effects' of fights over money, work, or some other issue...you both need to ask yourself what kind of impressions you're giving them...about marriage, about relationships, about the harmony between a man and a woman (their mom and dad) that's obviously missing?
You still didn't answer my question about why the two of you are intimate with each other when everything else that defines 'a happy couple' is absent from your relationship! But a serious, calm discussion about whether you remain married...or split up...is DEFINITELY DUE! And if you can't discuss this like grown-ups...you might want to consider counselling?
Or at the very least...have a mutual trusting friend...listen to EACH of you present your side. Here's hoping the 2 of you can reach a decision about a life together or apart?
Pianoguy
*Here's a good question for our ivillage ladies: "How much emotional insecurity do you think ANY MAN is capable of handling?" And before you answer...don't use the excuse that the man is supposed to be STRONGER PARTNER! Even the strongest man can have an 'achille's heal!'*
Pianoguy lol you are crazy. I don't think any woman thinks that the man is the stronger partner. :) Through my role models I've found that although women tend to be very emotionally sensitive they can also be the stronger partner. I think that men SHOULD be capable of handling just as much emotional insecurities as women face, which is a lot, however, they are hardly capible of handling it at all. Very sad, but true at times. I hope you know I'm not talking about all men, but this has been the case in the majority of situations I've seen. I think I'm lucky because my mother got pregnant when she was 16 and had to grow up fast and her first 2 husbands were physcially and emotionally abusive, so when she met my dad she let him know that she wouldn't put up with that kind of thing and I also find that although my dad is the discipliner in the family my mom is the one that is in charge. Of course they make mutual decisions, but you know what I mean. So I was raised to believe that women need to be as strong if not stronger than men. Just my 2 cents.
*To the original poster, I know that couples counseling might not have worked, so maybe you should each go to individual counseling and when you feel a little resolve within yourselfs maybe you can handle counseling together. Just a thought. I hope things get better for you.
lynmusic...
Not to be disrespectful to you (or any woman who is reading this)...but a man who "should be capable of handling just as many emotional insecurities as women face"---IS VERY UNLIKELY TO DO SO! As it has been said (and proven) on many of these boards...men DON'T, WON'T and WILL NEVER "THINK" the way a woman wants us or expects us to.
And as old fashioned as the theory is...there ARE some women out there who feel the man should always be the 'stronger half' of a couple.
Pianoguy is very pro-compromise, pro-united front, and pro-mutual decisions between a man and a woman.....but not ALL men react in this manner. Some believe that by being the head of the household---there's the "entitlement" to have the last word....and some wives (in order to keep peace) agree.
Other men recognize the benefits of not being 100% correct all the time...often because, it's better not to force an issue, their wives won't permit this behavior, or realizing that sleeping on the inflatable mattress downstairs isn't that much fun!
Just my 2 cents.
Pianoguy