We have fallen out of love

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
We have fallen out of love
7
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 11:52am
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We have never split up. The 1st 9 years were wonderful. But, after we got married, it just went down hill from there. Now, we don't like each other. Can't stand to be around each other. I know that we still love each other. We're still intimate at least once a week. But, it's like, that's all we have in common. I don't know what to do to rekindle our love. We're not in love any more. I just don't like the man that he's become. What should we do???? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:24pm
asize12...

Pianoguy went through the EXACT SAME THING during his first marriage...but "falling out of love" happened after the first 7 years

The woman I married 'till death do us part' was no longer in love with me...and vice versa! Not really anybody's fault...it happened! {And yes, ivillagers...we tried to RECONNECT through counselling, family, friends, and even a vacation together...and all of these options failed)! Almost 9 years later we divorced!

Your situation puzzles me????

What doesn't make sense is why you continue to be intimate with one another? By doing this, aren't the 2 of you are just "going through the motions?" Even though the sex might be GREAT, is this the ONLY reason you're still "in love" with your husband?

You weren't explicit about "the man he has become"---and all of us can speculate! Did your husband have an affair? Turn into a sex pervert? Is he lazy or verbally abusive? I guess I could go on and on? However...here's one alternative.

While YOU might not be happy with the way your husband has become---your husband might not be particularly thrilled about..."the wife YOU'VE TURNED INTO?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:53pm
Let me be a little bit more specific. Actually, *I'm* the one that screwed up. I had a cyber affair and he caught me on June 13, 2000. The cyber affair had been going on for about a month. The reasons that I did it were because I felt that my needs were not being met emotionally. He made me feel like no one else on this earth wanted me and he acted like he didn't either. So, even though I knew it was wrong and I regret it still till this day, I went out to sorta "prove him wrong" I suppose. Prior to this cyber affair, my husband had put me on a pedastal. I could do no wrong in his eyes. After this happened, all the trust that he once had for me went down the drain. And I still haven't regained his trust. When I say the "man he's become", I actually mean his demeanor. He has been unemployed for the last 6 months and he is just so moody. I try to be understanding and just say to myself, well, he's a man and I understand that it bothers him since he's not working. I haven't actually been the perfect wife myself. I've been mean to him too. We just haven't been treating each other right lately. He's never cheated on me, that I know of. I trust him, but I still feel as though he wants to get back at me for having the cyber affair. He is very insecure especially since he's not working. He has even told me that he thinks I'll leave him for someone with more money. He's deeply hurt and I'm deeply hurt that I hurt him. We bicker back and forth a lot. We don't spend quality time together. It's jut really getting bad. He bad mouths me and I bad mouth him. We have both just been behaving truly immature. We tried counseling for a few months, we'd end up arguing in the counselors office. I just feel like I don't want to try anymore. I'm ready to give up, but on the other hand, I stil love him and I want to try harder. I have never been so emotionally confused in my entire life. I just don't know what to do anymore. Can we work it out, or should we just end it? And incase you're wondering, yes, we have children. We have a 13 year old daughter and an 8 year old son.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 1:38pm
asize12...

ZOWIE! There are a lot of issues here!

But the most important one involves TRUST...and it's clear that your husband has lost that for you?

For some men, it only takes one marital infidelity to ruin everything! . You might have assured your husband that another cyber affair will NEVER happen EVER...but in his eyes, you fell off the---I'M THE PERFECT WIFE AND YOU'RE THE ONLY MAN THAT MATTERS TO ME pedestal!

With the 6-months of unemployment and the fact that you've gotten angry with him, your husband's self-esteem is at an ALL TIME LOW! So it should come as no surprise to you that he's nervous about YOU accepting a better living arrangment from somebody else!

Here's a good question for our ivillage ladies: "How much emotional insecurity do you think ANY MAN is capable of handling?" And before you answer...don't use the excuse that the man is supposed to be STRONGER PARTNER! Even the strongest man can have an 'achille's heal!'

While your children have probably experienced the 'after-effects' of fights over money, work, or some other issue...you both need to ask yourself what kind of impressions you're giving them...about marriage, about relationships, about the harmony between a man and a woman (their mom and dad) that's obviously missing?

You still didn't answer my question about why the two of you are intimate with each other when everything else that defines 'a happy couple' is absent from your relationship! But a serious, calm discussion about whether you remain married...or split up...is DEFINITELY DUE! And if you can't discuss this like grown-ups...you might want to consider counselling?

Or at the very least...have a mutual trusting friend...listen to EACH of you present your side. Here's hoping the 2 of you can reach a decision about a life together or apart?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 1:56pm
Well, as far as the intimacy is concerened, we both are very sexual. I guess we still have intimacy in our relationship because we still love each other. We're just not in love with each other right now. Also, I haven't really been desiring him lately, I have a broken ankle and I've had it for about 7 weeks. I also have picked up weight and I don't feel sexy, so the broken ankle on top of me not feeling sexy about myself has hurt our relationship as well. We used to have sex like 4 times per week! So, once a week or once every two weeks is not good for us. I have a low self-esteem and so does he right now so it's very lethal to our relationship. Also, his insecurities don't help the situation. He's not where he wants to be in life. He'll be 37 this year and he just feels like he hasn't accomplished anything in his life. He feels like a failure. I try to be there for him and encourage him by telling him everything is gonna be alright, be he isn't trying to hear that. Here's my thinking...I think once he starts back working, once my ankle heals so that I can join a workout facility and get these pounds off me, we'll both feel better about ourselves and our relationship will reflect that. What do you all think? Am I crazy in thinking this? I'm so confused right now:-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 6:47pm

*Here's a good question for our ivillage ladies: "How much emotional insecurity do you think ANY MAN is capable of handling?" And before you answer...don't use the excuse that the man is supposed to be STRONGER PARTNER! Even the strongest man can have an 'achille's heal!'*

Pianoguy lol you are crazy. I don't think any woman thinks that the man is the stronger partner. :) Through my role models I've found that although women tend to be very emotionally sensitive they can also be the stronger partner. I think that men SHOULD be capable of handling just as much emotional insecurities as women face, which is a lot, however, they are hardly capible of handling it at all. Very sad, but true at times. I hope you know I'm not talking about all men, but this has been the case in the majority of situations I've seen. I think I'm lucky because my mother got pregnant when she was 16 and had to grow up fast and her first 2 husbands were physcially and emotionally abusive, so when she met my dad she let him know that she wouldn't put up with that kind of thing and I also find that although my dad is the discipliner in the family my mom is the one that is in charge. Of course they make mutual decisions, but you know what I mean. So I was raised to believe that women need to be as strong if not stronger than men. Just my 2 cents.

*To the original poster, I know that couples counseling might not have worked, so maybe you should each go to individual counseling and when you feel a little resolve within yourselfs maybe you can handle counseling together. Just a thought. I hope things get better for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 7:14pm

lynmusic...

Not to be disrespectful to you (or any woman who is reading this)...but a man who "should be capable of handling just as many emotional insecurities as women face"---IS VERY UNLIKELY TO DO SO! As it has been said (and proven) on many of these boards...men DON'T, WON'T and WILL NEVER "THINK" the way a woman wants us or expects us to.

And as old fashioned as the theory is...there ARE some women out there who feel the man should always be the 'stronger half' of a couple.

Pianoguy is very pro-compromise, pro-united front, and pro-mutual decisions between a man and a woman.....but not ALL men react in this manner. Some believe that by being the head of the household---there's the "entitlement" to have the last word....and some wives (in order to keep peace) agree.

Other men recognize the benefits of not being 100% correct all the time...often because, it's better not to force an issue, their wives won't permit this behavior, or realizing that sleeping on the inflatable mattress downstairs isn't that much fun!

Just my 2 cents.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 7:36pm
Yeah, so I was just humoring you in a funny way to answer your question, I didn't think you'd get all talky about it. Here is what I said "I think that men SHOULD be capable of handling just as much emotional insecurities as women face, which is a lot, however, they are hardly capible of handling it at all. Very sad, but true at times. I hope you know I'm not talking about all men." I said they SHOULD but DON'T...so you basically just said what I said. Just MY 2 cents lol.