we have problems with each others past

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
we have problems with each others past
6
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:32am
my fiancee and i know just about everything about each others past. it bothers us so much to think that we have it. i know who he has kissed and who he has had sex with, and he is just the same. we may not the people personally, although, we both know that other people have done the things we do with each other. how can we deal with this correctly. is this a common problem?? any advice would be greatly appreciated

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:15am
Realize that every experience they've ever had in any regard - has made them who they are in full, and that is someone that you love, admire, respect, and accept at least if you're getting married, I hope so.

If they're financially responsible and successful - that was a result of life lessons and experiences from parents, teachers, friends, past relationships, past investments, self-discipline and self-awareness. I bet you love the fact that they're financially responsible and successful and stable....and aren't "resenting" those lessons or the losses in them.

Same thing....across the board.......I wouldn't go back and not have gone thru everything I went thru (and that's saying something, believe me) because I couldn't be who I am today if I hadn't had all those experiences.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:57am
Oh! A kindred spirit! I COMPLETELY feel the same way!!! Although my bf prefers not to think about my past (though only 2 others before him), I have to work so much harder to do the same. For some reason I ask and he is honest and then I wrestle with trying not to be jealous with something that happened before he even knew me! He's just so laid back about it, but sometimes I feel slightly crazy thinking about other girls touching him and vice versa - but that's life and there's no one you will love who won't have past experience. Its nice to know some feel the same as I though. But he makes me feel better by saying that the reason he has committed to me, bought a condo with me, planning to spend his life with me, is because he's never loved someone as much and or enjoyed/looked forward to sex with more. This is something you should remind yourself of, because you are the one he's chosen to love forever, over all the others. The second posting was correct in that our past makes us who we are and that is very true for me because if I hadn't been with a jerk for so many years before this relationship, I probably would have never appreciated this good one enough to make a life with him.

 

Tiffany

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:59am

Since you both already know all the details (which it is not always necessary to share) - there's no way to take this knowledge back. However, you both must realize that the past is the past. If you allow this to ruin a wonderful relationship now, you are making a mistake. Sometimes people drag in things from the past because they do not feel worthy of having the love and happiness they now have. Ask yourselves, what is the purpose of dwelling upon this now? What good will it do? Why am I doing it? You cannot change what happened, but you can make each day together special and meaningful. Remember, you are both not the person today you were then, - you are not even the person today you were yesterday. Dwelling too much upon the past is simply an escape from the present, and sometimes an unwillingness to move forward.


Stay in the present and give thanks for all the goodness you have.


Best wishes.


(Read my bookZen And The Art of Falling In Love which teaches how to stay in the present, to meditate, to be mindful and to let each day be new)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:00pm
it's important to note that sex is just physical gratification - unless there is emotional bond.

Quite often, the people we've had sex with in the past - we had no emotinal bond with and it was simply physical gratification. Those are experiences to be learned from.

And just as often, the people we've been making love with in the past - we had a tremendous emotional bond of respect, care, love, acceptance, and admiration for them as a person - and thus it was much more than just physical gratification. Those are experiences to be learned from.

Because you're going to have both kinds of sexual activity - in any relationshhip. Knowing the difference is imperative.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 5:56pm
I can relate too. I tend to feel 'icky' when he something from his past comes to mind. But he doesn't know this as it's my problem and I work hard to talk myself out of it. I just can't think about the fact that he once looked another woman in the eyes the same way he now looks into mine, etc. You know what I mean. But he's not with those other women for a reason; he is with me. I have to remind myself of this sometimes and I think the area where I get bothered the most is that he's made certain commitments and done certain things with other women and yet hadn't with me. Ever find yourself wondering if they reflect and reminisce about their past? Do they ever wish they could go back to that other one? Do we even compare?

It's all insecurities and obviously we do compare or we wouldn't be with our men now. It does suck though, I know.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 8:45am
I just want to say thank you for all of your advice and if anyone else has anything on this, please let me know. i am all ears. thanks again for all of the advice!!