"We Have to Talk"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
"We Have to Talk"
10
Fri, 08-01-2008 - 3:53pm

This is the email I just got from my boyfriend of 5 months, who won't pick up my calls today.


We have had an incredible time together. I am 28 and he is 33 and we dated for about a month before going "official." In that time we have fallen very deeply in love. We see each other on the weekends and usually one night during the week. I've met his parents and we have dinner with them often. We spend time with his sisters and their kids and I also went on a family vacation with them, meeting the entire extended family. We have a weekend planned with my parents when they visit from out of town in a few weeks. We laugh, we fit perfectly, we appreciate each other. We've cautiously talked of the future: of moving in together next year, of wanting to start a life together. It's scary, as he is divorced and I went through a hard breakup last year. We both know that even as wonderfully as things have gone and as quickly, that it is scary to put yourself out there again and open yourself up.


Last week we got in a tiff, our first, which led to a long discussion. Basically, he has some fears, some baggage from the divorce. He's afraid of getting too close, he's afraid of things being great and one day not, he's afraid that we're too different and aren't supposed to be together. I talked him down and in the end he agreed with me that it was a bump, that we would work though things, that not every relationship is smooth sailing all of the time. I promised him I wasn't in a rush, I would never put an agenda on him, I Last weekend was fantastic. We reconnected, we had fun, we relaxed. We sat on my deck watching the stars and he told me how happy he was, how much he loved me, how great we were together. I thought the bump was in the past.


This week, things were normal. We were busy but talked a lot. Then Tuesday his coworker quit, he went out with colleagues and got a little down on his company, which has been a huge stress for him. Wednesday he went out with a friend at night, and was a little distant when he talked. Yesterday we chatted a few times and I figured his being tired and quiet at night was him having a rough day. And today he let my calls go through and ignores my emails. Then he emails that we have to talk. I ask him to call me and he says he can't. He finally does and says we need to talk, he wants to talk in person. He won't elaborate, won't say what about. Just that we need to talk. I told him I was worried. He was silent and said we'd talk.


So, I'm obviously afraid. I think he is freaking out about being so close so quickly again and I think he is going to end it. I just don't want to lose him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Fri, 08-01-2008 - 4:24pm

I cant stand it when people do this - they make things more gutwrenching than it needs to be and they scare the daylights out of the ones on the receiving end.


If he had something to say then he just should have done it when the two of you were together without this ridiculous build up..or just say what he has to say on the phone.


Well - one day great and the next day not so great - that's just life. To expect each day to be wonderful is a bit immature.


It doesnt sound like you have done anything to create the feeling of fear in him.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-01-2008 - 8:18pm

It sounds as though he has not worked through a lot of his baggage from his past marriage. No matter how wonderful you are, you cannot help him with this. He has to face the past, release it, grieve it, and learn how to allow a new chapter to begin. Clearly, he hasn't done that yet. His pattern of suddenly shutting down and withdrawing is not conducive to a good relationship where both people can talk things over and work them through. He has to be ready to take on a new relationship. He has to do the work on himself. If he isn't and doesn't, there's nothing you can do.


Let him know you care and that he can have all the space he needs and that, of course, you will be moving on as well. Don't cling to him or put yourself on a string waiting for him to work things out. He is losing something precious and valuable and perhaps he may realize that in time.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-01-2008 - 8:29pm

Welcome to the board kckc123,


You can't keep someone in a relationship that doesn't want to be in one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-01-2008 - 8:38pm
I agree with the other responses, especially Dr. Shoshanna. He is probably going to end the relationship, but if he does it really is his loss. He obviously has a lot going on mentally and doesn't feel comfortable enough - perhaps it is related to not being completely ready for a relationship. I do hope he tells you something positive, or MORE positive than what you think - Let us know how it goes, best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 9:06am

He came over and we talked, for 3.5 hours. It was intense and emotional and I am still very blurry and unsure. Basically, he decided he wanted to end it. He said he loved me, he loved our relationship, he enjoyed being with me every time we got together, but he was afraid of a lot, too, and he was seeing small things come up now that he

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 11:57am

Ugh, that's tough. But the thing is, you don't have to understand why the personality thing is an issue for him--if it is, then it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Sun, 08-03-2008 - 4:56pm

KCKC:


Hey Girlie!!

DaisypathAnniversary Years Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 10:29am

Thanks for your replies. It has been a whirlwind of a weekend. He came over Saturday night and stayed until Sunday night. We talked about Friday night's conversation off and on, but I waited for him to bring things up mostly. He said that he had been off, that things hadn't been right with him for a few weeks. He agreed with what I had said on Friday, that he had stress from work, finances and family, and that that can impact relationships, too. He apologized for not giving me a chance to absorb what he had said or comment on it. He said that he did have his mind made up, that he had completely convinced himself that we weren't right and it wouldn't work out when he came over on Friday night, and that it wasn't fair and he needed to hear what I had to say, he needed to see that by taking away the elements and environment, the core of it was us. He said that he pressures himself to know what the future brings. That he is such a big planner that he wants to know what the next steps are, and he felt like he had to work it out now, that he had to plan for the future now. It freaked him out and he wasn't ready and had all this pressure on himself that it just kind of imploded and he freaked out. We talked about how it was ok not to know and that five months is not a lot of time, that I had no pressure or agenda on him, and that I was a big planner, too, but I had learned that you cannot put yourself and others on a timeline. I told him it was something he would have to realize and get used to. He said he just wanted to be with me and enjoy each other, and not think about the future right now. I told him I agreed, that you never know what will happen, but that in a lot of ways we still have a lot to learn about the other and that it is ok to take a step back and just be, without any pressures.


I asked him about what he had said about looking at other girls and thinking of being with them, if he wasn't attracted to me or if he wanted to date other people. He said he was attracted to me and he thought the other women thing was part of the freak out, that he thinks all guys look at other girls, but he doesn't think it's right to look at other girls and think "I'd have sex with her." He didn't like that he had started to do that. I'm not too keen on it either, but I think most guys do think of other girls they see that way. Playing psych 101, I think that he was freaking out about commmitment and being with me, with one solo person, and he started to look around at the options, scared of committment and what he might miss out on. The fact that he is the furthest thing from a player and is so incredibly loyal and honest that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he would never cheat on me or anyone, is comforting. Sure, I don't like to hear that my boyf is checking out other girls, but I think it is on the spectrum of normal, and I think when you're freaking out about the future and committing to one person, then it is "normal" to wonder about options, to think "she's pretty, I wonder if she'd date me."


We also talked about "love" and how he loved me but he hadn't felt in love with me the past few weeks. This one is kind of a killer to me. It hurts. And I get it, but also don't at the same time. I told him that he shouldn't say it unless he meant it and felt it, that I understood, and that it was ok if he didn't feel it right now. That there'd be times I loved him more than he loved me and vice versa, that is was a phase, a product of the last few weeks' confusion and being off. I told him that it might take some time to get us back on track, and that it was ok. He said that he knows he needs to balance better, that since me he has neglected his friends, and he's spent all of his free time with me. He said he would start to plan more with his buddies, with his family. I am a huge advocate of that, of balance. And I think a weekend apart here and there will help us in this case. We developed this routine where he was with me Friday night until Monday morning. And it was nice and fun and we enjoyed playing house, but I can see how that likely led to the freak out too, that we'd gotten this domestic routine so early on and it was just work and me for him. I hate knowing my boyf does not feel like he is in love with me right now. It stinks, it hurts. But, I also know that I nearly lost him on Friday. That he is not himself right now, that he is loaded down with stress. We just had such an intense weekend that I feel lucky he didn't walk away on Friday, that he realized there is more here worth staying and trying for.


I think we're working to get to a better place, but I am still concerned, I'm still not totally convinced. It's scary -- last week I felt 100% he was it, he would be my husband one day and I thought he was totally in love with me. And he's been struggling and we're fragile now. I'm hopeful because I know we're so good together and I think he needed to have a reminder of that. I'm hopeful because if he was not as into it or wasn't wanting to try, I think he would have been different this weekend. He would have been cold and distant. But he was affectionate, he was intimate, he was thoughtful and loving and gentle. He mentioned us going to his cousin's wedding in November, he mentioned seeing my parents in a few weeks. He made plans to see me this week, to what we'd do this weekend. I think he is trying and I hope that this fog will lift and we will slowly get back to normal. He is worth it, we are worth it. I just feel that we're also very delicate, and if in another week or a month he freaks out again, then it very well may be the end. If it boils down to him not being able to do it, then I have to commend him for trying, but will have to say goodbye, if it is his choice. I hope that is not the case, because I love this man more than anything, but there's more here than a simple freak out. All I can do is wait it out and be open and hope for the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 11:31am

Sounds like he told the truth and you listened well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
Tue, 08-05-2008 - 2:16pm

Thank you for your