We made contact. Now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2008
We made contact. Now what?
8
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 8:09pm

Hello everyone. I posted on here a little while back. Here is just a little back ground.


My ex and I were together for almost 9 years. He is 35 and I am 30. We broke up about 6 months ago. We were engaged for almost 2 years and were supposed to get married in Dec. of last year. It's been off and on for the first several years. Well the last couple of months have been a roller coaster. I dated 2 men but quickly realized that they were rebounds for me and that they were not who I was meant to be with. I tried very hard to work things out with him, but he is seeing a new girl that is 19. They have been together for almost 4 months. She and I have spoken 2 times and she knows that he is lying to us both.


He would physically be with her. As in doing things with her, calling her and such. We would only talk on the phone and he would tell me things like he doesn't love her, he wants to be with me, just give him space blah blah. He has said several times that he was scared that things would be the same and scared of being hurt. I understand that and I feel the same way. He would tell me this stuff then be with her. I have maintained no contact for a week solid.


Fast forward to last night. Keep in mind we have not seen each other in person since before Thanksgiving. He and I both have professional jobs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 8:23am

Hon, we've been over and over this, but you want to believe in fairytales:

1. He is not scared.

2. He is manipulating you so you will be available when he gets tired of his current girl.

3. His friend is helping him.

4. There will be other girls in the years to come, and he will continue to regard you as his back-up girl.

5. You need to start wondering about yourself, not about him. Why don't you feel that you're worth more and better than this left-over love?

Vanilla, please get some help for yourself. You are obsessing over a man who's using you, and you will never be whole and happy until you're able to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 9:28am

This is my last response to you, since you only want to use this board to rant and have absolutely no intention of ever taking anyone's advice. You will go through a lot of pain and suffering before you're ready to do the right thing, which is fine, but please don't disguise your rants at solicitations for advice because we've been answering all of your questions and it's really beginning to frustrate me that you keep coming back with the same story.

Just leave.

The end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2008
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 4:54pm
I thought these boards were to help people, whether they rant or ask for advice. Apparently you have reckless disreguard for people and their feelings. I don't know why you are so mean to me and ask me to leave. While I do appreciate the help I have gotten. You don't know me or what I have been doing. I just wanted a little insight from people that don't know me or the situation. I won't post on these boards ever again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 5:16pm

Okay

(I do hope you realize that this is a board for ADVICE and not unconditional support and affection)




Edited 1/20/2008 5:36 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 7:41pm

vanilla,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 8:11pm
Hi, Blondie!--welcome back. Vanillasmoothie's numerous previous posts have all said what her most recent post says, and we'd like to know the same thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 10:19pm

Hi Vanilla,

I've read your posts and I think everyone is being rather harsh with you. Yes, you've been told the same answers to the same questions but I can see where you are coming from. You obviously have strong feelings for your EX. You share a lengthy history together and that can be hard to put in the past. The fantasy of living happily ever after with him is creeping back but I hope you can put the whole situation into perspective and realize that he has not treated you well.

I think you need to work on your self esteem issues and realize you have a lot to offer and there is someone out there who will love and respect you for who you are. I'm not sure how you can ever trust your EX in another relationship knowing that he's been dating another person all this time. I know you've been told all this before so I won't reguritate it.

These message boards are for people to come to and ask for guidance. You can come here to vent as well. If people get frustrated with your posts they don't need to respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 10:53pm
Sorry to be harsh with you before. It was just frustrating for me to have read several of your posts, and seen some wonderful advice handed to you (as it still is), yet you are in the same situation. I'd really like for one of us to say something that really resonates with you - enough for you to take some action. Of course you're welcome to rant here, but you're asking questions that we've essentially answered before. We all want to see you make the most of your life and make the best decisions possible, and please believe me when I say that I DO care about you and your situation. It's just tough to sit back and watch the same mistakes being made, and the same person hurting you over and over. I wouldn't want one of my best friends going through this either. So I apologize.