We were together, now we're apart

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
We were together, now we're apart
1
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 1:54am
One day during the summer of 2001, I was walking with a friend in my neighborhood. We met a boy named Jr and started walking and talking with him. Every now and then we would see him and say hi as we walked through the neighborhood. Back then, I was the type to steer clear of relationships and commitment. Well, one day, we were walking in the same neighborhood and saw Jr. again, this time he was with a friend. Me and his friend shared a LONG stare and a smile, but I was too shy to stop so I said hi to Jr and continued walking. After I walked away, I felt like I couldn't breath. My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to collapse. I heard a voice in my head saying that the boy I just shared the stare with was going to be a major part of my life. I passed it off as a simple crush and went on with my day. Well, after that I would get my friend to walk with me by that same payphone everyday, not telling her that I was secretly hoping to see the guy again. Months went by, and I never saw him. I turned 18 on January 7th of 2002. January 26th, me and several friends were walking through that same neighborhood, on our way to the club. We saw a group of guys in the distance and laughed and said that it looked like it was our boyfriends. My friend tripped and I laughed so hard I dropped to the ground with her. When I went to look up, the guys were right in front of us, including the guy from the payphone. He laughed and helped me up and asked my name. His name is Jawhan. We all exchanged numbers and Me and my friend Ashley met up with Jawhan and Jr. the next night. I had never had that much fun with a guy in my life. We had so much in common it was unbelievable. I am the type to deliberately try to find faults and flaws in a guy, I am very rebelious when it comes to the opposite sex. But I just couldn't get away from this one no matter how hard I tried. For the next month, we were together constantly. It felt like he was my soul mate and I had never felt like that before. But when I started having feelings for him, I stopped all communication with him in fears that I would be hurt in the future. I got a job and 2 months went by. I heard nothing from him. I had even walked in that neighborhood and never seen him. One night when I was laying in my house, I thought of him so much that I HAD to find him. It was like something in my bones was FORCING me to get out of bed and go look for him. It was like beyond my control. So I got my friends and we went walking. We turned on a back road and from one direction, Stephan (jawhans friend) was walking towards us, another direction Jr. was coming towards us on a bike, and from the other direction, Jawhan was walking up. I felt a huge relief. I wanted to just run up and hug him so bad like I was reuniting with a lost loved one, but I kept my composure. We all split up, and me and Jawhan went to a park and talked about why I stopped talking to him. He seemed a little distant like he was trying to hide feelings because of what I did. Anyhow, he walked me home that night and when I hugged him goodbye I felt like I never wanted to let go. It felt so comforting like when your parents console you after you hurt yourself when you are a child. When I went inside the house that night, I knew I loved him. My parents always told me you will know when it's love and I knew that night it was love. But I wouldn't tell him. We saw eachother for months after that, but during that time it was constant ups and downs. He always wanted to be with his friends and I always wanted to be with him and it was causing major problems between us. So we would always stop talking for weeks, then end up right back together. November 8th, we had known eachother for 11 months, and that night I lost my virginity to him. That was a big deal for both of us. Me, because my virginity had become my security blanket over the years and I cherrished it more than anything, and him because all the time I made him wait. It was a very special night. January 26th of 2003 marked our 1 year aniversary. We were still going through major ups and downs, yet nevertheless, still together. Then finally on May 8th I had decided it was time to move on. I felt that the relationship was not going anywhere, and that I was maturing into a woman while he remained immature. We walked to a park that night, the same park we spent our first night together, and told him it was over. He cried, I cried, he walked me home and that was it. That was the last time I saw him for a long time. On mothers day, my friend bought a pregnancy test. She was scared to take it by herself so I took one with her. We set the tests on the bathroom sink and waited for them to develop. I kept saying how it would be so crazy if she were pregnant and that it would change everything. She told me that it would be crazier if I were pregnant because EVERYONE knows I would be the last person among a thousand woman to get pregnant. We went in the bathroom and looked at our tests. I fainted. I was pregnant. I got up and took a deep breath but everything looked like it was spinning. My life changed forever that night. It was crazy because for a month straight, a year before I met Jawhan, I had dreams everynight that I was talking to a little boy that told me he was my son. Well, the next day, I called Jawhan. This is where everything changed. His mother answered the phone (his foster mother who he had been with since he was 8, he was 21 at the time) and said that he was not there. I asked where he was and she said Ohio (we're in Jacksonville Florida). I was confused because his birth mother whom he had not seen since the age of 6 is from Ohio. I asked her why he was there and he said that he had just found her over the internet and flew to live with her. I didn't believe her. So I waited a few days and went to his house, and she was right, he was gone. I broke down and cried and told her I was pregnant and we hugged. He came to visit on January 5th 2004, and on January 12th (5 days after my 20th birthday) I gave birth to our son Judea. Jawhan stayed until his 22nd birthday, January 25th. Our son is now 7 1/2 months old and Jawhan has not seen him. He is on probation in Ohio and the only way he can have it transferred is if he stays with a family member. The only family member he has here is his foster mother, who will not let him stay with her because he left her to live with his birth mom. The only other option would be for us to get married. I am not ready for that commitment right now. I want to marry him, I just have a serious fear of commitment and I don't want to make any mistakes. I would have to be around him longer, as we have been apart for over a year now. We can't be together UNLESS I marry him. Time is growing between us and I get more and more depressed as the days go by. I am not strong enough to talk to him on the phone, then hang up knowing we are thousands of miles away. And when I look at our son it just makes it unbareable because he looks just like his father. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him because I know in my heart we were meant for eachother. But talking to him makes me very emotionally unstable because he isn't here with me. So I am at the point now where I don't want to talk to him knowing he can't be here. Please, tell me what to do before I lose the only man I have ever loved in my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 8:43am

Your child deserves to be by his father...Would it be possible for you to move to Ohio, to be closer to him?


The most important thing here is to remain strong and be the mbest mother you can be...sounds like you are already do this. Things have a way of working themselves out and it sounds like you both care a great deal for each other. Be patient.


PLease keep us posted!


Good luck and congrats on the baby...