To wed or not to wed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
To wed or not to wed?
7
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:47am
Hi, new to this board - have posted a similar message on "should I stay or go board". I have a dilema. I am currently engaged and preparing for married life but I was out one night a couple of weeks ago and had a fight with my friend who I was out with.

I was supposed to be staying with my friend and when trying to organise where to stay and what to do I met this guy and shared a cab with him and ended up back in his place (which turned out to be really close to my parents house where I grew up). He said I could stay over with him and I did. We ended up kissing and spent all night talking in his bed - while I did feel guilty I did really enjoy it.

We exchanged numbers but I told him we could not see each other again as I was getting married. I then spent three days barely able to eat and sleep and could not stop thinking about what had happened (I had never been unfaithful to my fiance - ever). So to try and put some closure on it I sent the guy a message saying thanks for the hospitality and I then deleted his number from my phone. He replied and after a number of days of sending messages back and forth we agreed to meet up for a drink.

I met up with him about 2 weeks after our first meeting and to cut a long story short basically ended up in bed with him. I have been in contact with him a couple of times since that but he is now gone away for a few weeks working and stuff.

I am so confused with what to do. I am finding it hard planning the details of the wedding (I was stressed out enough anyway) as I can't get this guy out of my head. Every time I think of him I get butterflies in my stomach and I hardly know him. By the time he gets back I will be weeks away from my wedding.

I do not want to throw away my future marriage but I can't understand how I feel like this about someone I barely know.

My fiance has noticed that I have not been myself for the last couple of weeks - he thinks I have withdrawn and am not as affectionate. I have told him I am stressed out and really nervous about getting married. I am not sure what to do - I would appreciate any thoughts / advice?? Tnxs

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:27am
You are not ready for marriage. You are not even committed to this man. Do the honorable thing and admit it to yourself and your fiance. He deserves someone who wants him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:40am
I have spent more than 7 happy years committed to him - never once cheated on him and we bought a beautiful house together last year.

It is only the last 4 weeks since this other guy came into my life that it has all turned on its head.

If I never met this other guy I would be blissfully happy and really excited about the wedding - the way I was right up until the night I met the other guy.

That is why I do not know what to do - everything was perfect until I met this other guy -now my head is all messed up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:52am
This other guy did not make you go home with him, have sex with him, call him etc did he? It was your choice. The timeline doesn't matter. Instead of being faithful to him you chose to cheat, to enjoy another man's company. Why would you do this if you were 'blissfully happy and really excited about the wedding'.

'now my head is all messed up' I think you were already confused, probably more on an subconscious level, which is why you so easily agreed to sleep with someone else.

What happens when you are newly married or ten years down the road when you have kids and another man offers to have a drink with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:10am
Have you and your fiance ever discussed dealbreakers in a relationship? Is cheating one of them? What if the situation was totally reversed and it was your fiance that met some hottie chick and took her to bed - how would you feel and react to the situation? What names would he be called?

I don't believe a word you say about wanting closure so you sent him a message. Be honest for a minute as I think you wanted to send a message as a door opener for him to call you and reconnect. This is the whole turning point in what's going on. You made the choice to pursue a reconnect which tells me you are not ready nor trustworthy enough to enter into marriage.

Cheating and affairs are acts of selfishness. Its all about you with absolutely no regard for anyone else. You got what you wanted and on your terms. I think its time for a gut-check on your life's direction as a whole before you take covenant steps ahead of you. No man wants to marry a woman who has structured her life based on selfishness and entitlement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:23am
I guess we have talked about "dealbreakers" and I would certainly say in our relationship cheating is a definite breaker....I cannot even imagine how he would react if he knew what had happened. He would flip out totally.

About the reconnecting, I guess you may be right in a way...maybe I convinced myself that it would close things while deep down hoping he would get back to me...I don't know.....I am finding it hard to think things through at the moment as everything around me is just wedding lists, color schemes, dresses, rings etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:45am
I think you have a fear of what's going to happen. You are getting married and it stresses you out. You have been with this one man for many years and you came across someone you like(it may just be mutal and you are confusing it for passion. I hear so many women say they have found someone who might be more worth while before making a big commitment. What if this new man is not worth throwing this all away and you discover that your fiance was a once in a lifetime opporunity? I think you need to do alot of thinking and realize that it's probably just fear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 4:20am
butterfly224

What you are saying is ringing so true with me. I think I have alot of fear at the moment. I have also told my fiance this over the last week or so. While this is not an excuse for what happened it is certainly better to go through this now than after my wedding.

I do also think about what if I left my fiance because of this other guy and then found that I had just ruined my once in a lifetime opportunity with my fiance. Then again, no matter how great a guy he is (and he is) how can I marry him with this other guy in my head all the time??

I need to either get this other guy out of my head and get on with my wedding and spending the rest of my life with my fiance or else I need to leave my fiance because I am not ready to committ my life to him alone - when making this decision I need to leave this other guy out of it. I just don't know how I am going to come to a decision......