Wedding coming up but I want someone els

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Wedding coming up but I want someone els
5
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 9:37pm
Help! I am supposed to get married in a few months to a man I love very much. He is the only man I've been with since my divorce a couple of years ago and we've been togeather over a year. We have a lot in common and we've even entered into some large investiments togeather (house, etc--I do live with him). The problem is man #2. I met he and my fiancee at the same time--man #2 was also interested in dating me, but I didn't choose him. We have all 3 remained very good friends. Now, I'm strongly attracted to man #2. He's all I can think about and if he said he wanted me, I think I would call off the wedding to be with him. He's playing it cool--telling me it's just jitters and such, but I know he has feels for me as well, we've just never acted on them because I've always been with my fiancee. The attraction sexually has always been between man #2 and myself. I'm even always been very critical of the women he's dated!! I love my fiancee but I'm in a panic worrying I'm with the wrong guy! My first marriage was terrible--could this be serious jitters? I need advice so much and any is appreciated!!!! I'm flipping out!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 11:36pm
You have to assume that this is more than jitters and take a hard look at what is going on. In my opinion, if you have feelings for another then you aren't ready for a long term relationship, let alone marriage. You have already stated that if man #2 would have you that you would go with him. Even if he doesn't act on it, isn't that reason enough to leave man #1 and let him find someone who wants to be with him?

By the way, even if you wind up leaving, do not jump into another relationship with anyone. The chances of it working out are slim. And man #2 may be a diversion or a way out, unconsciously.


Edited 1/12/2004 12:42:22 AM ET by ciao_gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 12:19am
i agree with gina.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 3:11am
My advice.....you're the only that knows the hidden answer. Don't cheat yourself or either of the guys. Marriage is a huge step and you could end up losing them both. It's hard to sometimes to know the difference between love and lust if you don't look at the picture with your heart. It could be the jitters or, did curiousity kill the cat? You obiously have deep feelings for both men in your life and now that you have chosen to marry one of them, you're questioning if it's the wrong one. Try asking yourself....which one you're more committed to, which one you seek for advice and is then more supportive, which one you feel closer to, which one is committed to the friendship you share in a deeper & more trusting manner, which one believes in you and understands you for who you are, which one has the same goals as you. Where does the attraction stem from? Who can you see yourself with in 5-10 years? Make a list of things that are important to you in a relationship and what you expect, need, and want and beside each question write the name that best meats the standard. If you're not sure, postpone or call off the wedding, one broken heart is better than three. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you are ready or there would be no question, but hey, those jitters can be pretty scary and confusing. Trust your insticnts and follow your heart. As for the large investments, they are all material, you'll have to decide who and what you can live without. You also need to think about how man #2 treated those other women and women in general. You don't know what it is actually like to be in a relationship with him so you need to consider if it is worth giving up everything you have already established with your fiancee.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:45am
My advice is not to get married. Even though it will be very difficult to call off or postpone the wedding, it is unfair and unwise to enter into such a major life partnership with the doubts you are having. You owe it to yourself AND your finance to be honest and explore your feelings before walking down the aisle. That doesn't mean #2 guy is for you either -- it takes a lot more than sexual chemistry to be present for someone to be right for you (also alot more than having things in common or taking financial risks together). I hope we here on the board can spare you making the mistake that so many people seem to make -- walking down the aisle when you have doubts that you're doing what's right for you. Never do that. Jitters are common and nothing to worry about, but serious doubts are a red flag that should not be ignored. You'll just have to address them and face them later, and it will be a LOT harder to undo the damage at that point. Best of luck to you.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 11:14am

Take a deep breath and get yourself to a good therapist - right away. You need to sort this out before the wedding is upon you. Sometimes fear of committment (and marriage itself) can cause a person to develop all kinds of symptoms, including attraction to someone else. However, you need to be sure about what's going on here, if you have such strong feelings for another man before your wedding date. You've been divorced once and do not want this to happen again. You need to discover whether or not there are issues in your relationship with your fiancee that may need to be worked on and that are causing you to feel as though you need another? Obviously, there is much good in the relationship or you wouldn't have bought a home together, moved in together, etc. Most likely, you have not dealt with the underpinnings of this relationship sufficiently or handled issues that are bothering you.


You need trained, objective help with this. The answers won't come from someone online. You need to sit down and sort out what's going with someone who can help.


Best wishes.