wedding tensions

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
wedding tensions
7
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 5:59am
This post has been deleted.


Edited 6/13/2004 6:13 am ET ET by hashell2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:35am
I don't think you're being selfish...you went through a very traumatizing time in your life. The desire to stay as far away from those who hurt you is completely natural.

But with that said, this is your son's day. It's his wedding and the final decision comes down to his choice. You've come a long way from the young woman who was under their control. If your son chooses to accept the offer, it will be hard, but you should go. Go and look them in the eye, letting them know that they don't control you anymore. Let them know that the fear they tried to put in your heart and the control they emphasized has no bearing on you anymore. You are a free, grown woman, and they don't own you. Walk into there without fear in your heart, knowing they aren't that tough because you beat them once and you're still standing. Instead of viewing it as an event to dread, look at is as your triumphant return.

They didn't get you then and they won't get you now. Congratulations on being strong and getting past that. Your son's healthy relationship and impending marriage is proof that you came through okay and were strong enough to raise your children well. Don't ever let those people put you back a few steps. You earned the right to look them in the face and laugh. Good luck and God bless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:59am
I so agree with the other poster. I think that was excellent advice, however, I would like to add to that some. I think that in the event you honestly believe that you can not and will not be able to attend if they DO decide to have it there, I think that you should discuss that with your son and his fiance BEFORE they decide. Make sure to assure and reassure that you do not want your decision to affect their decision in any way and that no matter what you are proud of them and stand behind them. Tell them that if they want to accept the invitation to have it there you are perfectly fine with it but that you wanted them to know ahead of time that you will not be there (and most defin. not because of them). I think that an added bonus is maybe have a little special get together on "your turf" for them as well, not to try to "outdo" the other but to just show that you really are behind them 110% and that you care a lot about them and want to share that special moment with them as well - but not only share it - enjoy it too. Best wishes and God bless....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 1:48pm

HUGS! i applaud you - for getting out of an abusive marriage, for raising wonderful kids, for saving yourself, for living a good life. none of that was easy! and you are still dealing with the abuse that you went thru.


personally - i would sit down with your son and his DF and tell them how you feel. yes, its your son's day - but if you cannot deal with going to your MILs house - then you should not be going. that's what i think - i hope your son will understand if you can't go. i am sure that HE is also being pulled in different directions by differnt people, and maybe is not sure what to do.


you also might want to talk to your doctor or therapist about getting a few mild tranquilizers to get you thru this. you may not even have to take them - just knowing that you have them might help.


I would also enlist the help of a good friend (or a few good friends) or family members - someone who will just BE THERE FOR YOU. my friend's son got married this year - she went thru difficulties also - she wasn't really invited - or she was - the son was doing whatever his father said - the father is abusive - people who knew my friend from way back when snubbed her at the wedding - etc. anyway -i went with her literally to hold her hand. it was difficult for her - and i was there to hold her hand, give her water, hand her

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:45pm
Thankyou so much for your insight and encouragement. Your words of empowerment certainly do help me feel more in charge. I hope I can make this decision with the least amount of disruption to my children and with the most comfort for all of us. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 5:06am
I just had an idea for you. But first I want to applaud you for working through all of these difficulties. I am sorry you had to go through that.

I think you could handle the event if you have supporters with you and do not stay there too long. It will be part of your healing process to go there. Just make yourself look your best and have good people around you. I think everyone will be so happy to see the couple that it won't be as bad as you think. Don't let them get to you.

I just attended my son's first communion and my ex-inlaws were there. I did not go through anything like what you did. But I had a lot of stress because they caused me a lot of stress in my marriage and this led to my divorce. My mother-in-law and I had not seen each other or spoken since before the divorce 4 years ago and she is a very mean person.

I bought a beautiful dress. I focused on my son. And I brought my friends, my family and our babysitters with me. I enjoyed the day and even smiled at her. Everyone was so focused on my son that they were able to put the past behind them. When the event was done I left - no lingering.

I don't think you should allow these people to steal a beautiful occasion from you and your son. Just make sure there are people there to support you. If it gets to be too much you can always make a quick and quiet exit.

I also think that you are now much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You have done a lot of work to get through you did. I know that I am much stronger now than I ever was before and was able to handle them much better. I think you will, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 10:29pm
Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement. I am not sure I am able to invite extras to the rehearsal dinner if it is at my ex-inlaws home, the area being quite small and wedding party quite large. I will however, have friends at the wedding, for sure! thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 8:56am
I see. I missed that part. You would only need one extra for their house - perhaps a relative, friend, counselor - or better yet someone who is already going to be there? Otherwise you can show up at the last minute to wish them well and then leave early. Don't stay too long.