Well that didn't go well...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2007
Well that didn't go well...
10
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 10:58am

I brought up counseling last night, told him I needed him to control his anger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 11:26am

It sounds like he could use some anger management classes. It seems doubtful that he would go though.


What is your plan at this point?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 11:35am

Cali_girl, you have given it your best shot, but his response to your suggestion that you try counseling to improve communication was unwillingness to tackle the problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2007
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 11:46am

Tell me about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2007
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 11:56am

I know, ending it makes me sad for the good times and I do love him- he does do lots of wonderful, kind and funny things that make me laugh harder than I ever have with anyone before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 12:10pm

Sorry but I agree with geo. You gave it your best shot, you tried as hard as you could, but cali_girl, you can only go so far. There has to come a point when you forgive yourself and stop looking for ways for this to work. It's not going to. He's refused. Aren't you tired enough of this yet to end it? He's already given you his answer. I'm really sorry... But it isn't going to get better.

Who cares about his birthday? You have to do what's right for yourself regardless of when.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 12:25pm
You can love someone and know that you can't have a healthy relationship with them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 4:36pm
'I can't talk to anyone' is just what an abuser is seeking. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. I believe that it's not always the best policy to divulge every detail to your family and friends, but for you to feel you need to hide his behavior, is not OK. Just the opposite, you kind of have to expose his behavior.
Being weird about germs aside, he's not ready to be in a relationship. He's lucky that you are inclined to work on this and even finance it, but look into the success rate on those courses, therapy programs. I have yet to know of a situation where a man didn't revert almost immediately to his angry self. The best solution all around is to leave him to find another victim.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 8:14am

Please allow me to summarize your boyfriends position:


"I'm sorry, but you made me do all the bad things you don't like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 9:58am

Please quit chasing your tail with this man and get out. I swear he sounds so much like my ex-boyfriend, it is frightening. I wasted a year with that man. I really am wondering if it's the same guy, as his birthday is in January, too. Does your bf have a very wealthy, domineering mother who cruises all the time? If so, it could be the same guy...I live in California too...

Getting out was the best thing I could do for myself. I am so much happier, not having to deal with the constant arguing, the misdirected blame, the difficulty in doing ANYTHING...everything was a major hassle with this guy, even just planning a fun vacation like you're trying to do. Oh, and also, messing with your head by saying one thing, then contradicting himself later...

Oh, and my guy refused to go to counseling, too. He thought he was smarter than all the therapists. One night, we were coming back from a movie, and he was stressed out because of construction work on the freeway. I made a small little joke about the graffiti by the side of the road and he snapped at me. He yelled, "I don't need your mouth right now!" At that point, I realized I needed to get away from this guy. I took a week away from him with no contact to think, and that week away gave me the strength to leave. I have never regretted it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 10:10am
BTW, there are some great books out there about verbal abuse. You may want to check one out. I had to read one before I realized I was being verbally abused.