Well, my boyfriend left...again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Well, my boyfriend left...again.
3
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 11:04am
Sorry, this is going to be kinda long. Maybe this is something I must learn to live with? I have needs in a relationship that are not being met. We have been together about a year and a half. Obviously the beginning of any relationship is full of romance and desire. Each person wants to get to know the other and so you spend a lot of time talking and doing things together. That friery beginning is naturally going to dwindle down to embers. I feel lately that there's no desire or effort on his part to even keep the embers going. I've been really blunt and clear as to what I'd like and need. I have three sons, 7,8&9 so the majority of my time is taken being a Mom until 8:30 every night. After that bf sits and watches TV. He watches documentaries or stuff like 'monster garage' - nothing with a plot, nothing I'm interested in. I suggest turning off the TV and just talking or play backgammon or have a hot tub. Something, anything to feel a connection, light a spark. For pretty much the last month and a half I've been trying to explain that this is increasingly bothering me. Stbx takes the boys one weekend a month and I've told him that I really look forward to that time as our sepcial time together. It seems he doesn't care and even thwarts my efforts in that regard. He doesn't think it's important to make any day 'special'. Conversation lately has usually ended up in a fights apparently due to something I've said that was allegedly meant to hurt him.

Last weekend the fight got started over something really stupid. I emptied dryer and moved a few articals he had in the washer over to the dryer. Then I said to him, "I wish I'd known you didn't have a full load. I could have thrown some other stuff in with yours or at least you could have reset the water level so it wasn't on super" Well, apparently he heard was that I think he's stupid and doesn't know how to use the washer. Trying to explain it had nothing to do with him personally and everything to do with water conservation was useless. (shocking really since he's the 'recycler nazi' of our family) He would not listen to me. Kept accusing me of saying things just to hurt him. The more I tried to denigh this and defuse this stupid conflict, over a load of wash water, the more angry he got. Then he announced that since I don't think he ever does anything right he might just as well leave. He came back the next day. I had written a letter while he was gone here's part of it:

___________

Of major concern to me is the damage that is being caused by the increasing number of conversation topics that are becoming “off limits” or just too volatile to discuss with you. The list is already not limited to: your vehicle situation, your business, your personal finances, your relationship with your daughter, your relationship with your family, your plans for the future, my divorce, stbx now or then, stbx’s family, my settlement, money in general, the children (unless I agree with you), the internet support boards, my friends on the boards and their situations, my local friends and their divorces and problems, and now just generally thinking out loud unless it’s something important that needs to be said. (who gets to decide that?) What does that leave? Weather? Not sharing. Not companions. It leaves estrangement. Do you see how this is a problem?

I’m not interested in a relationship where my partner’s needs are the only ones ever addressed and met. I’m not interested in being in a relationship where my partner does not want to hear what I have to say and what my needs are. I am not interested in being in a relationship where I have to walk on egg shells for fear of unintentionally saying something that may offend. I don’t want to be in a relationship where if I say what’s bothering me my mate will get mad and leave, (which will always get the response; “fine , leave, don’t bother coming back” because, really, who wants more of the same?) It doesn’t make for a safe, giving environment or closeness. It does not have anything in common with a fellowship of companions.

Speaking from a female perspective, this lack of verbal communication sure does not bring about a desire for physical affection and romance, which definitely are needs of mine, or physical intimacy, which I thought was one of your needs too. Maybe you don’t even realize how often you did this but, I got sick of being told “all you ever think about is sex” or “you have sex on the brain” if I wanted to sit on your knee, have a hug that was a little longer than usual, a kiss that was more than just a peck or make a comment with a physical innuendo. Those kinds of put downs and rejections of affection are disrespectful and demeaning. Hearing it again and again was a big “off switch”. Without offsetting kind words, compliments or support that come through normal, healthy conversation about all the important things in our lives, that switch has been stuck in “off” for a while now.(just in case you’re wondering - to long to be brushed aside as just monthly hormones)

I want to be in a healthy relationship. The stuff I read about healthy relationships is that negotiation is necessary for each person to get their needs met. It’s a choice we all have. Life is too short and I’ve already wasted too much of mine stuck in one bad relationship. I’m not going to “settle for” again. I believe I have clearly defined my needs and expectations. Maybe you want to throw away these communication boundaries, stop the bickering and learn how to talk about our goals and needs and getting them met. Maybe you want to share your needs. Maybe you want to meet my needs. I can’t force you, you must want to. I don’t want you to say you are willing, just in order to come home. I do not need any empty promises. It is no shame if you and I have differing goals and needs and can’t come to some agreement. You can rent the room in the basement while you find a place. Maybe it’s a big relief for you just to have an out. Maybe you think I’m being idealistic and that real life can’t be like I want. If you believe that, you will never strive to attain it and I’d rather know that now. Maybe you think I’m just being selfish. It is far better that I find that out now than with ten years of resentment and un-fulfillment heaped on, don’t you think?

Another thing I will not do is fight with you in front of the boys. If you’d like to discuss this, we must talk while the boys are at school or after they are in bed.

You could be sitting there after reading this, going over in your mind all the things you do, like shovel snow, take out garbage, fix things, make the rink, etc, etc. You could be thinking that you do all these things and I’m just being ungrateful. If that’s what you’re thinking, you’re likely very angry and, tragically, you’ve missed the point of this whole letter. I hope not.

_________________

Well, he read it and we talked about it and I thought he understood because he said he was sorry I felt that way and sad that I had felt so alone for so long. He said he'd make more of an effort. At the time we ageed to set aside the next Saturday night(last night), just for us. Last night, you guessed it, TV on a show I was not interested in. I poured us each a glass of wine and suggested we find something we'd both enjoy watching. He said there was nothing else he'd enjoy so I said well lets turn the TV off and just talk. He turned it off and just sat there staring strait ahead. So to start the conversation, I asked him, "What would be your ideal job?" (he's a carpenter but does all kinds of construction and renovation) I was told that he didn't want to talk about work. OK, that's fair. So I asked him, "What's your dream for the future, Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" He says, he's going to follow God's will and he has no idea where God wants him in 10 years. OK, again reasonable response(I guess?) I explain I'm not talking about a plan that he has written in stone, just what he'd like to see happen. What his dream is. It went down hill from there. I'm pressuring him on this conversation thing. He does not want to talk to me when I've been drinking. He asks what I want. I reminded him of the letter, our talk and that this was to be 'our night'. So? What do I want? I answer that I would like us to make the attempt to make one night a week special. OK, now I'm getting upset. I tell him that I've made my needs very clear and he said he was interested in meeting those needs. If he is, let's talk. If not, maybe we need to revisit the idea of him moving to the guest room. I am sure there is a man out there somewhere who would be willing to make the effort I'm asking for. That was not meant as a threat, it's just how I feel.



Am I wrong? Am I expecting something from him that men are incapable of? Help.....

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 4:05pm
Your situation parallels mine in a few ways I never thought I'd admit to. I know all about the walking on egg shells and being told "well, leave then" and the lack of desire for sex, unfortunately. It's frustrating to say the least. Never in a million years did I think my sex drive would out do one of the males I was with.

In answer to your question, you are not expecting too much from men in general. You may, however, be asking for more than this man is going to be capable of giving you. There are lots of men out there who are affectionate, passionate, and who know how to communicate. Unfortunately, you are not with one of them. You don't have to put up with it. You can stick around and keep asking and waiting for him to change. People are not completely incapable of doing so, but I wouldn't bank on it. Your other choice is to not settle for less than what you want out of life. It's up to you. But remember, we only live once.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 8:44am
My head knows I do not have to settle for any less. My heart, however, is breaking. It's such a major rejection. Basically, in his eyes, I'm not worth the effort and really, it's such a small amount of effort. That really hurts.

I walked through yesterday in somewhat of a daze. Took my boys to church and ducked out quick so no one had the chance to ask where he was. I spent the day staying busy with my boys and took some gravol to knock me out at bedtime. I just put the boys on their school bus and now it's really hitting me.

He has to come back to get his stuff and his dog. I'm not sure if I should be gone when he comes or not. I have no way to contact him. I don't know where he went or when he may show up here.

It's probably good that I haven't been able to contact him because I've been so back and forth on this. Maybe I could suggest counseling. But that could just strech out this pain. Maybe I should be on the breaking up is hard to do board, instead of here.

I'm so hurt and confused. Thanks for your post spanishharlem, I really appreciate it.

Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 2:31pm
I'm am sorry if he feels like you are not worth the effort. It could also be that he just doesn't have it in him though. Even if he knows you are a wonderful person, that's not going to change who he is.

I hear you on the rejection. The truth is, you should be the one rejecting him. But often heart wins out over head. We always hope that something will change and that things will get better.

Again, I am sorry that this is happening. You sound like a very good person, and you do not deserve a man who does not appreciate you.