what is up with that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
what is up with that?
39
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 3:07pm
I have a wonderful boyfriend. He is charming, giving, caring, considerate, kind, funny, smart, and the list goes on. He treats me and my family like gold. Let me give you an example.

My daughter had to move out of her house one month before she could move into her new house. So, he told her she could live in the house for that month. This included her, her dog and her baby. It meant moving things around, baby things, toys, dealing with two dogs, etc. You get the picture. Let me give you another example.

I was unemployed for a very long time due to an automobile accident. He made sure that I didn't have to worry about finances. He took care of me. You get this picture too?????

I have a terrific relationship with his family. I send them all birthday cards, and buy them all christmas gifts. I always go with him to see his parents; I call his mom when she is sick. He has a huge family dinner each christmas and since he's working I decorate the house, and prepare for this big event. I call everyone and ask them what they want for christmas; (kids, etc.) I do most of the housework and do most of the errand running as well (well, since I'm not working, it makes sense.) He is always there for me and my grown children and loves my grandaughter to death.

He works very hard. He has two jobs and is a consultant on another job.

Now you know there is a "but"

Here it is: We have been together going on 6, yes SIX years and he doesn't think he's ready to live together. Simple as that. His reason? He feels he has financial stability and that my financial/employment record is shaky. I was employed at a major university for years before my accident, but things have just happened since then.

I have my apartment. He has a huge house. He wants me to spend most of my time at his house. He wants me to plan changes to his home. Example: he wants to put his office in the house and wants my help doing this.

I am constantly running back and forth from his house to my apartment. He stays at my apartment maybe two nights a month and that is only from about 9 in the evening until 6:30 when he has to go to work.

We (every year) have a huge garden together at his house and I work very hard there. Then I come home and I need to work hard here (I am a plant nut) and I live in an old victorian and it's on a main street and gets dirty. Even when I'm not here. I know, I am rambling.

So, after 5 1/2 years, this wonderful man is scared to death to have me move in with him. He has asked me to respect his reason about the financial aspect and that he can't help feel this way.

Our families are very much "together" and it feels weird that he feels this way. My children can't understand it and neither can I. He really doesn't want to talk about it. When I bring it up he gets very nervous and/or angry.

What is up with this????? HELP?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 2:24pm
Oh I do respect the fact that he is not ready. But..... he's wanting his cake and eating it too. You need to look at all of the messages. Especially the first one.

I wouldn't marry him in a million years if he didn't want the same thing. But he wants it without the "finality" of it and I'm feeling used.

I haven't relied on him in over three years. Not one cent. Vacations, travel, dinners...... I pay my share. My only concern right now is finding myself a job and that has nothing to do with him.

I can certainly understand your situation and it even makes a little more sense to me. Two years is not that long a time, and it doesn't sound like your bf is ignoring you or manipulating you in any way. I respect your thoughts and will think about all of what you have written.

Thanks!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 2:54pm
I have read through all of the other messages and I just want to add a reminder of a great saying:

‘God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the ONE I can, and the wisdom to know it’s ME!’

There is nothing you can ‘DO’ to change his behavior or mind. What you can do, is change how YOU are handling this situation, change how YOU respond to his manipulations of your time, change YOUR behavior to create a life that YOU want. That means make the choice to behave in such a manner that is more closely in line with your vision of happiness and success in your personal and professional life. You need to make choices rooted in integrity. Integrity means living your life by making choices that are honest about what you want and what you hope to achieve. Right now, it sounds like you are not living a life of integrity and are just waiting around taking care of every little detail in his life (his housework, his family, his Christmas dinner, his garden, his shopping and errand running), hoping that by doing so, you can change how he feels about making a permanent commitment to you. He says it is the money, he doesn’t know about ‘you’, he doesn’t want a permanent commitment – his reasons don’t matter. What does matter is that they are no longer in line with what you want.

It is time for you to acknowledge that you can’t change him to what you want – you can, however, accept his decisions, and change your response and behavior to more accurately reflect what you want. You need to start taking care of your business and your home. After all, you do have a home. Make it so that you LOVE spending time at home – which is how you should always feel whether it is a house you share with a spouse or an apartment that you live in by yourself. Start spending time on hobbies and activities that you enjoy. Don’t even give it a second thought if it means spending time away from him. You are a single, vibrant, mature woman who has her own needs and desires and should be taking action to see that they are fulfilled. If he is not the one to do that with you (notice I say ‘with you’ and not ‘for you’), then accept it and go take care of them by yourself. Either he will then make HIS OWN CHOICE to change his behavior and attitude because he loves, respects and cherishes you enough not to want to lose you, or he won’t change a thing which is no different than it is today – accept that it won’t be any loss to you because you will have created a life without him that enables you to meet someone who will share your same dreams and desires.

6 years is long enough to live someone else’s vision. It is time to start living your own! YOU CAN DO IT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:37pm
Thanks. Yes, I see what you mean. I really have been trying to do this, but it is hard when I do and he says "what's wrong?"

I have a lovely apartment, plants, my guitar, tons of books, my friends; it isn't that I'm at a loss for things to do:-)

So, I guess he's going to have to "REsPEcT" ME for a change. I don't think he's been doing that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:59pm
No - you need to respect yourself and your vision of what will make you happy. He can't respect you if you don't respect yourself first! And if he never does, then you don't want him in your life anyway, right?

When he asks you 'what is wrong', tell him the truth. Tell him that you are simply choosing to follow your path and take care of yourself. Tell him you have things to do for YOUR home and in YOUR life. He may not like it or give you an attitude, but tell him you are not going to talk to him when he is being negative about YOUR life. Tell him to kindly call you when he has something positive to say because you are not going to stay on the phone wasting precious minutes listening to a grown man whine and complain or try to debate you into believing that you are wrong. Then hang up if he continues in the same manner. Eventually, he will get the fact that you have decided to start looking after your own interests. Then he will either realize that his interests need to start meshing with yours, or he will let go, which he would do eventually anyway so why wait another 6 years of your life to start 'living it'!

And if he tries the 'didn't we have a nice weekend' routine, then just kindly say, 'yes we did and thank you very much. Now I have to go so have a nice day.' It isn't your job to make him 'get' the fact that 1 thing has nothing to do with another. You just need to be honest, tell him straight, and then go on with your day. He is an intelligent man and probably 'gets' whatever suits him. So don't worry about whether or not he understands you.

Everyday, when you get up, ask youself, is what I have planned to do today the best thing for me? If the answer is yes, then live by it. If the answer is no, then make the choice to adjust your plans in order to do what is in your best interests.

Good luck - I know that after 6 years, it is hard to establish new habits, but you CAN do it if you remind youself EVERY day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:11pm
I must tell you, I have to laugh. I have printed out all of your replies and believe it or not, I have told myself these same things over and over. It is always so much more enlightening when someone else says it.

I just get "stuck" when I talk to him. I will say some of these things and he will inadvertently end up saying "how can you talk to me this way?" Very hurt, very upset. (I'm not a screamer or a yeller either)

I am seeing it all now; and it is not a pretty picture, lol.

It also makes me wonder if it is another woman. I think maybe I need to stop reading some of the other postings here!! They make me think. He is also a very private person. Never leaves his cell phone on when I'm there; Erases the messages from his caller ID RIGHT AWAY. Am I stirring up more S***?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:17pm
I suspected as much - the fact that it takes about an hour before he's asking what's wrong. That's why you have to just keep repeating to him that you need some time to yourself, that you don't want to discuss it further right now, you have some things to work out on your own, and that if he can't respect your needs without badgering you, you won't take his calls. It's the truth isn't it? And consider the fact that when he called recently and *implied* that he wanted you to be there, he only mentioned that he was overwhelmed with the things that had to be done. He didn't say he missed your company or anything about you personally.

You probably will feel guilt. Just don't give in to it. You can't undo six years of conditioning overnight. Keep reminding yourself that your emotional and physical health have suffered, and that you can't go on like this indefinitely, that you must do something to regain your health, and that giving into guilt won't help you to do that. Good luck and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:23pm
sounds like he just wants his space.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:49pm
Yes, but only when it's convenient for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:53pm
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That I don't know. I'm not wild about the fact that he is appearing to deliberately hide things. But who knows. Could be nothing or something.

It doesn't change the fact that the sooner you focus on YOU and not on HIM you will be better off all the way around. Don't get bogged down by wondering about this unless you really want to know (& feel strongly) that he is cheating - then go follow him and find out. But I think that you will accomplish a lot more by just dealing with your own life and doing things that make your life better because the issues go far beyond whether or not he is seeing someone else. He is manipulative, controlling and in many ways using you now to make his life more comfortable.

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That is why I said don't let him debate you. Not only is he an intellectual, but also he is a trained psychologist so you aren't going to win a debate with him. And by now, he has figured out how to trigger your guilt and emotions and 'play' you. Remember – he is the expert at this. Keep the conversations brief and to the point. Tell him that your choice to take care of YOUR business is NOT open to discussion. Period. And say goodbye if he attempts to talk (and by talk you know that it is really an attempt to manipulate you back to ‘approved’ behavior) to you any further about it. Tell him you are happy to talk about your next date (whenever it is convenient for you) or what kind of a day you each had, the garden, movies or books, but the minute he crosses the line, say 'I'm sorry, but you are breaking the rule and I will have to hang up now'. Then HANG UP!

You can do this. Keep the responses by the phone if you have to. Write on a big card in bold lettering the words 'HANG UP' and keep that by the phone if you need it to remind you to hang up when he starts trying to push your buttons.



Remember, if you want a different life than the one you have now, you have to be the one to CREATE it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:10pm
I really appreciate you making sense of all of this for me. I just "get stuck". And yes, I do need to concentrate on me. I'm gonna give it a go:-)

Keep talking to me, you've been wonderful.