what is up with that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
what is up with that?
39
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 3:07pm
I have a wonderful boyfriend. He is charming, giving, caring, considerate, kind, funny, smart, and the list goes on. He treats me and my family like gold. Let me give you an example.

My daughter had to move out of her house one month before she could move into her new house. So, he told her she could live in the house for that month. This included her, her dog and her baby. It meant moving things around, baby things, toys, dealing with two dogs, etc. You get the picture. Let me give you another example.

I was unemployed for a very long time due to an automobile accident. He made sure that I didn't have to worry about finances. He took care of me. You get this picture too?????

I have a terrific relationship with his family. I send them all birthday cards, and buy them all christmas gifts. I always go with him to see his parents; I call his mom when she is sick. He has a huge family dinner each christmas and since he's working I decorate the house, and prepare for this big event. I call everyone and ask them what they want for christmas; (kids, etc.) I do most of the housework and do most of the errand running as well (well, since I'm not working, it makes sense.) He is always there for me and my grown children and loves my grandaughter to death.

He works very hard. He has two jobs and is a consultant on another job.

Now you know there is a "but"

Here it is: We have been together going on 6, yes SIX years and he doesn't think he's ready to live together. Simple as that. His reason? He feels he has financial stability and that my financial/employment record is shaky. I was employed at a major university for years before my accident, but things have just happened since then.

I have my apartment. He has a huge house. He wants me to spend most of my time at his house. He wants me to plan changes to his home. Example: he wants to put his office in the house and wants my help doing this.

I am constantly running back and forth from his house to my apartment. He stays at my apartment maybe two nights a month and that is only from about 9 in the evening until 6:30 when he has to go to work.

We (every year) have a huge garden together at his house and I work very hard there. Then I come home and I need to work hard here (I am a plant nut) and I live in an old victorian and it's on a main street and gets dirty. Even when I'm not here. I know, I am rambling.

So, after 5 1/2 years, this wonderful man is scared to death to have me move in with him. He has asked me to respect his reason about the financial aspect and that he can't help feel this way.

Our families are very much "together" and it feels weird that he feels this way. My children can't understand it and neither can I. He really doesn't want to talk about it. When I bring it up he gets very nervous and/or angry.

What is up with this????? HELP?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:31pm
From what you have said, he is a workaholic.

If he has been living alone for a long time, he may just want the privacy. With you there all the time, he will have none.

If he is all those things you have said, be grateful. He is not going to be perfect.

He may not want you to know the real reason(him wanting to be alone). Perhaps he will think you will react in a nasty way if he told you that. I'm just surmising his reason, I don't really know.

Let it go, and praise him for what he does for you and your family. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:45pm
He is set in his ways by now and wants to control his life. He can always say that he doesn't want to be bothered when he doesn't want company.

With you as his wife, he will have to compromise many times and won't get his way.

I think you have to chalk it all up to not wanting to he controlled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:45pm
But that's just it. He does NOT want to be alone. He wants me there all the time. He wants me to go to all his family things with him; he acts like I don't want to see him if I want to stay home.

What he doesn't want is me moving in with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:01pm
Psychologists can be as messed up as the rest of us.

I went to a psychologist, he almost done me in. I was worse after I went to him!

If you get stomachaches, this man isn't good for you.

YOu have paid him back two-fold what he gave and done for you and your daughter. YOu owe him nothing.

If you want to get married, search around, I'm sure you will come across a widower who has lost his wife and is very lonely living alone.

Your psychologist is very needy and insecure when you start wanting marriage. He has a good thing with you.

I don't think that he has a girlfriend because he works so much.

Because this is distressing you, move on. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:20pm
I don't know if being greatful to him because of all he is and does is healthy. I know he is not perfect. I am not perfect.

I often feel that way though; that I do have a good man and just live my life out the way I have been. But, then I find myself becoming resentful because I feel he is using me.

I've been with abusive men my entire life. Father and ex-husbands (2). I haven't been near an abusive man for 15 years. Some may say my SO is being emotionally abusive. Others say, (like you), take him for what he is and be greatful you have a good man.

Is that all there is????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:09pm
Never settle for any situation that feels wrong to you on a fundamental level. This is not about appreciation and gratitude. Hint: Some posters who reply don't read all the messages in a thread, and some don't even read the first message entirely. You can tell when that occurs when the opinion is based on the opposite of something you've already made quite clear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:17pm
Ya, I kinda knew that! But just checking to make sure:-) I am new to these posts and am amazed at how many people have read my post. But the same people keep responding to me (and I don't mind one bit) and I was wondering if this is how it works.

You and one or two other people have been tremendously helpful in getting out the cobwebs.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:16am
hello again! anyone. anyone who is reading this:-) i know by now you have read all my posts, lol, and it is time to do IT. I have one problem though. My SO is bogged down by all kinds of stuff (they have happened in the past two days), his parents are sick, he has just resigned from one of his jobs (the one he had for 35 years in a state agency) and he's feeling all kinds of emotions about that. He's kind of a mess and I'm feeling it as well. I am feeling like he isn't thinking about anyone but himself, and that he's very distracted when with me. But... he insists on being with me. So, once again.... am i being selfish or should i just do this "thing" that i need to do regardless of the way he is feeling?

Maybe i'm just making excuses for myself:-(

(my caplocks is sticking; it isn't that i don't know how to write:-)

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:30am

Despite all his wonderful qualities, he is not being truly considerate of you. You are assuming many functions of a wife, (including fixing up his home), without the security and financial support involved in

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 3:59pm
This is just more of the same. I'm sure he's had to deal with distressing events in his life and the emotions associated with them plenty of times. He doesn't really need you to help him cope, so don't start with the guilt trip. If he tries to use any difficulty in his life to keep you doing what you've always done, remember that it's just more MANIPULATION. There will never be a "perfect" time to do what you need to do so why wait? You're making progress so don't beat yourself up. If it was easy to do, you'd have done it already.