what is up with that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
what is up with that?
39
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 3:07pm
I have a wonderful boyfriend. He is charming, giving, caring, considerate, kind, funny, smart, and the list goes on. He treats me and my family like gold. Let me give you an example.

My daughter had to move out of her house one month before she could move into her new house. So, he told her she could live in the house for that month. This included her, her dog and her baby. It meant moving things around, baby things, toys, dealing with two dogs, etc. You get the picture. Let me give you another example.

I was unemployed for a very long time due to an automobile accident. He made sure that I didn't have to worry about finances. He took care of me. You get this picture too?????

I have a terrific relationship with his family. I send them all birthday cards, and buy them all christmas gifts. I always go with him to see his parents; I call his mom when she is sick. He has a huge family dinner each christmas and since he's working I decorate the house, and prepare for this big event. I call everyone and ask them what they want for christmas; (kids, etc.) I do most of the housework and do most of the errand running as well (well, since I'm not working, it makes sense.) He is always there for me and my grown children and loves my grandaughter to death.

He works very hard. He has two jobs and is a consultant on another job.

Now you know there is a "but"

Here it is: We have been together going on 6, yes SIX years and he doesn't think he's ready to live together. Simple as that. His reason? He feels he has financial stability and that my financial/employment record is shaky. I was employed at a major university for years before my accident, but things have just happened since then.

I have my apartment. He has a huge house. He wants me to spend most of my time at his house. He wants me to plan changes to his home. Example: he wants to put his office in the house and wants my help doing this.

I am constantly running back and forth from his house to my apartment. He stays at my apartment maybe two nights a month and that is only from about 9 in the evening until 6:30 when he has to go to work.

We (every year) have a huge garden together at his house and I work very hard there. Then I come home and I need to work hard here (I am a plant nut) and I live in an old victorian and it's on a main street and gets dirty. Even when I'm not here. I know, I am rambling.

So, after 5 1/2 years, this wonderful man is scared to death to have me move in with him. He has asked me to respect his reason about the financial aspect and that he can't help feel this way.

Our families are very much "together" and it feels weird that he feels this way. My children can't understand it and neither can I. He really doesn't want to talk about it. When I bring it up he gets very nervous and/or angry.

What is up with this????? HELP?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 12:51am
The truth is, there is never going to be a 'right time'. Either life happens to be throwing you some curve balls at the moment or things are moving along peacefully and you don't want to 'rock-the-boat'.

If taking care of you is what is in your best interest - then that is what you need to do. You have spent enough years and energy taking care of him. If he can't handle life right now, then he should talk to a therapist - I'm sure he knows some excellent ones.

And the advice given to you to talk to a counselor yourself is a good idea. It will help you to figure out your priorities and learn to make choices based on what is in your best interest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 2:16am
um, no I don't think so. Two people together kind of need to want the same thing. She has indicated he is a wonderful guy - that may be. He whines and complains about the stuff that needs to get done and manipulates her into doing it - that is pure CO-DEPENDENCE FROM A PHSYCOLOGIST. Her needs are not being met. She also has dreams and so far she has focused most or all of her energy on doing things for him in hopes of getting her dream fulfilled? He wants something different than she but he still wants her at his beck and call. She needs to find someone who is wanting the same things she does where she can return the same. That is simply not happening here. He doesn't just want his space if he wants her at his place all the time. He wants her there to get his life in order without committment plus the benefits.

Like other posters have said - if you don't want the same things, find someone who shares your dreams - not stay with someone who neglects your needs to meet their own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:25pm
Yes, thank you. (I haven't been ignoring my posts, I've been babysittng my granddaughter.) There DOES always seem to be something. Right now I have been looking for a job for the past three months, and with no luck. I'm still looking though, and even thought to take a paralegal course so I can at least get into an attorneys office.

I won't get a chance to do anything about this until possibly Thursday morning when my SO returns from his sister's. I'm printing out all these great replies to my post and they are all saying the same thing.

I do need to see someone, but funds are limited. He just gave me $500 to tide me over until I hopefully find something. I work in drug and alcohol research and the market just sucks. I am however, applying to everything (it seems) but I'm not even qualified to do secretarial work:(

I'm still stumbling about how to get over that "I just can't handle another thing right now" thing that he does.

When I am firm about something, he accuses me of "talking to him in a certain way" meaning without love or respect.

any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:28pm
Yeah, I know!!! Thanks for your post. Really, they are all appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:29pm
Thanks, jschaedler, you've been a terrific help as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:30pm
thanks! some hard-hitting truths are coming at me. but i need to hear them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 2:20pm
The job market is really tough for a lot of people. Have you thought about working for a temp agency? It's much easier to get hired that way, and many companies hire permanently when they like your work. It doesn't have to be a temp agency that specializes in office work - there are others. You can do a search on the internet for agencies in your area.

I have a thought on how to handle it when your BF complains about things. Listen to him and respond with soothing talk, but without offering concrete help. Example: "It sounds like you're having a hard time with this. I really sympathize." Just keep doing that, and if he tells you he needs you to do this or that, keep up the soothing talk but tell him you have other things you must get done - like the job hunt that takes all your time - but you're willing to listen to him any time he needs an ear. There's no way he can legitimately accuse you of speaking to him without love and respect then. And if he does (somehow I think he will), say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I still can't come over" (or whatever else he's asking for.) Of course he doesn't like it when you're firm, this is something he's never had to deal with in relation to you, and he'll use every tactic in his arsenal to get you to back under his thumb.

I'm glad to hear that you're making positive steps in gaining your autonomy. Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 7:13pm
Thanks so much for the positive thoughts and ideas. I am on my way. I have enrolled in a university law class and have sent resumes to law firms (even without experience). I had wanted to have the conversation with him tonight but we both have an MS bike ride early in the morning. I did however, tell him I would be staying home tonight and he said ok, sure, but don't you miss me. Laughing, I said sure, do you miss me. Well..... he said yes of course, and I asked what he missed about me. His answer to that was "Is something wrong"? (What an opener for me but alas, it isn't to be tonight.) I just looked at him and wondered where that came from. (I still don't know.)

That was to give you some idea of the way he works. If I don't agree with something, or am quiet about something, he asks what's wrong. He tells me he feels insecure. I don't think I feel too good knowing that after 6 years, there are still insecurities lurking.

But I am going to pursue this tomorrow. God I hope I don't chicken out!!! This is very, very hard. And yes, I've contacted a counselor. Left message, but call wasn't returned yet. I'm very scared of all of this. It's hard to talk to him (I guess him being a psych doesn't help matters) about this subject and to tell the truth, I just don't get it.

I know I've written alot, but there's so much more and I just don't get it. His reasons that is. It is all very contradictory to me.

So, a few words of encouragement would help here:-) and ..... I WILL do this tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 7:45pm
I have been really busy so I haven't been able to get on the computer (plus I was out-of-town for a few days) so I just saw this message.

I hope it went well for YOU when spoke to him yesterday. I hope you stuck to YOUR guns!

Let us know what happened.

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