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| Fri, 03-23-2007 - 8:53am |
What are some signals that your marriage is over? After 20 years of dealing with the same stuff I have pretty much come to accept it. I have been through lying, strippers/hookers, internet conversations and just a general bad attitude. Don't get me wrong it isn't constant or i wouldn't have tried to work it out. He gets called on his bad behaviour and then becomes almost doting. That lasts for about a month and slowly the bad attitute comes back slowly. He seems to think that what is good for him isn't good for me. I am a very secure person and feel that people should be individuals. They should have friends of both sexes etc. So i am not a needy person. However he believes he should be able to talk to who he wants, say what he wants, do what he wants etc. And if he thinks it is something that i would disapprove of he hides it and lies. The issue with the strippers is that he believes that it is ok to get a lap dance but i went out one night with my friends and he made up a fake phone calling saying that some guy called and asked if he was having problems with his wife. And no i wasn't up to no good. The things he comes up with are so ridiculous that is it almost laughable but very frustrating. I have basically narrowed it down to that he feeds of his own guilt. We have been through situations and worked through them but they keep coming up every couple of years. He says that he would be lost with out me and doesn't want anyone else etc blah blah blah but will take an opportunity to humilate me when we are around other people by acting like i am not important in his life. Again, i am not a needy person and far from stupid so i am not standing there with a tear rolling down my eye playing victim. i have actually come to accept it and i am not about to become a bitter person over it. i am just wondering what other people thought?

This cycle, repetetive behavior is not healthy for either of you. Even though you say you accept it, and I am sure you do, you wouldn't be writing asking for responses if it felt entirely good or acceptable to you. No one wants to feel humiliated or to deal with behavior that causes you to disrespect your spouse or yourself. Perhaps it's time for him to grow up.
Why not seek professional marriage counseling about this? It seems as though he is trapped in patterns that he does not know how to get out of. It couldn't feel that good for him either. The more you stand up for what you truly want and feel you deserve in a relationship, the more you respect yourself, the better it will be for all. Take some time to truly look at how this is affecting you and what it is that you would want in a marriage. What kind of relationship would be constructive and uplifting for you? Then, work on making that happen. If you don't stand for anything, you'll only keep getting what you've already gotten. If you wish to grow and have a relationship you can both grow in, then you need to get the proper help and do the work.
All good wishes,
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Welcome to the board deanna20052005,
There has to be some reason why you have stayed with him for 20 years. So why have you stayed? Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling with you?
Do you want to save your marriage and do you think he wants to?
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