What am I ??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
What am I ??????
6
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 9:42am
Please.....I really need some help. I know what I'm fixing to write will anger alot of women for my stupidity but please just listen because I'm hurting so bad and at a loss for what to do.

I'm 34 and married to fifty year old man. I've known him for four years now, just got married on the 14th of Febuary. I have now finally admitted to myself that I'm married to a verbally abusive as well as emotionally and mentally abusive man. I fell in love with him while my first marriage was coming to an end. He was the most wonderful and loving man at the time....just seeing him and talking to him made me feel safe and loved. That all changed after I moved in with him a year later and since then its been cycle that has turned me into a basket case. I have four children, the oldest being seventeen and she lives with her father due to the fact that she doesnt like my rules....that alone is a different story; typical rebellion that tears me apart. But my new husband critisizes everything I do, I feel like a complete idiot and almost believe I really can't do anything worth anything. My first marriage I stayed at home since the children were so young so I guess I became isolated in a way. My first husband was obsessed with me, always telling me I was the most sexiest woman and how much he loved me, yet given the chance to check out other women.....well, he was full of lies. There were alot of things that hurt me in that marriage including his gambling addiction and him wanting nothing but the finest things. He'd have all the beautiful cars but going grocery shopping was difficult.....it was absurd. I knew the children were being hurt by his total neglect of what they needed but werent given because their father was to busy trying to be Donald Trump. So that marriage came to an end with much heartache since my ex-husband fought to hold on to me but it was to little to late. How did I go from that marriage to this one? He owns his own company and everyone thinks he's so respectable. If they only knew...I have been cussed hundreds of times and had everything taken from me each time we have a blow out...He has kicked me out of the home we had together when we just lived together but made sure he only did it when the children were spending the weekend with their father. He has control over everything in my life because I work for him.....run his company as the office manager.He lets me know he is in charge and I better understand that. I am screamed at during work when no one else is around for being stupid, according to him. He gets on his computer and pulls up trash constantly but tells me I'm being insecure when I tell him it hurts me. Tells me how pathetic I am to worry about what every man does. But the truth is that he can't even have sex with me without bringing sex stories or fantasies into it. He needs me to tell him things and brings himself release. I'm so sick of these stories and fantasies.....I love sex but it hurts so bad to know he can look at porn and get off but with me he needs to put me in a sick fantasy that he really wants me to fufill for him. He wants me to be with another woman, to have a threesome with another man....to tell him all the nasty things we'll do. I have no problem with two people watching a movie together everynow and then but every time????? Isn't there a problem with that? I know he's attracted to me by the way he looks at me but within ten minutes into sex, he's turning it into a porn flick....I feel no connection anymore and it always leaves me feeling hollow inside. I have tried to tell him his facsination with porn has possibly changed him in some way, that those women are being paid to perform those things....that its not real but I get nowhere.

So now you all are thinking what the hell am I doing still with him and I can't answer that. We have blow outs where I say there is nothing left but he'll start to plead and try to make it better but I know now it will only be for a few days, maybe I'll get lucky and it will be for a couple of weeks. He's always so careful not to let the children see any side of him except the good side and they like him. He also has two girls of his own that come every other weekend. I feel like I'm caught in some kind of twisted hell. I've found that I'm starting to crumble and I cry alot...my doctor has put me on xanex because my tension has reached to high and I need to stay calm for the kids. I feel like a failure with nothing to fall back on. I see these women who have wonderful jobs and who can take care of themselves and could kick myself. My father abused me sexually as a child and it seems that its just my lot in life and I'm so angry. I have people coming up to me who dont know anything....they tell me what a beautiful woman I am and that I have such beautiful children and how happy I must be. I feel like screaming SO WHAT????? I'll gladly trade my looks for a brain to where I can take care of my children alone without having someone constantly holding everything against me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:55am
Goodness hon...my heart goes out to you. And no I'm not angry and I'm sure the others aren't either. You need support not lectures. I don't think you're stupid either. The heart can be a funny thing sometimes and sometimes it takes a lot for your head to overcome your heart but that doesn't mean your stupid---it means your human. You fell in love with this man at an emotional time in your life. He was there for you and gave you what you needed at a hard time in your life and that probably made him seem like a knight in shining armor. Maybe at that time with the newness of the relationship along with all of the emotional stuff you were going through his "bad" side was still hidden from you. Once he was sure he had you and once the newness wore off that's when it all started going south. I would first suggest counseling. I do think that a professional could best help you get to the mental state you need to be in to remove yourself from the situation. A lot of people however don't want to go that route and if you feel your strong enough to do what needs to be done on your own then that's up to you. If you decide to try it on your own then I'd start by telling family &/or friends. They have to see you in your emotional state and wonder in the back of their mind what's wrong. Next time someone says how good you look etc, say "thanks...it's a wonder with all I'm going through." If they're a good friend they'll pick it up from there. It helps to have someone you can confide in in person or on the phone, someone who can and will be there for you. The first real step is to acknowledge there is a problem & CONGRATULATIONS!!!! you have done that. The second step is to seek help and CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN...you have just done that too! See, you're already on your way to a better you---seems to me like you have brains AND looks!! :) . Next is to put things in to place and into motion to remove yourself from the situation. You have already admitted you're in a bad position and I think it can only get better from here. I do think that you need to leave. I'm talking move out and get a divorce (unless he is willing to go to personal and marriage counseling with you and in that case forget everything else I'm about to say...but if he does refuse or if you don't want that then, well, shall we continue??? He has issues that need to be "fixed" before you can stay where you are at. He's abusive, he has a porn addiction, not only this but he hides it and refuses to stay with it when you discuss your concerns with him. He's controlling and I'm sure there is more) Anyway, like I said, unless he is willing to see a profesional & stick with it I think it would be best if you leave. There is more than just packing your stuff and leaving too. You have to have the mind set to do it as well because if not you will come back in a heart beat. You need to make sure your really really ready and have your mind set on bettering youself for you and your kids. I have no doubt in my mind that you can be like those women you see doing it on their own but you have to want it bad enough and be ready to go through some diffucult emotions. Start looking for another job immediately. In the process of that start saving up your money so you can move out on your own--even if it's with your family or friends or an apartment somewhere. It will take time and dedication but I think it must be done for your emotional health to survive. Either that or you will be on pills the rest of your life just to try and help you get through each day and I'm sure you don't want that. I know this has to be hard for you but I will be here for you if you need me. I hope that you are able to seek counseling and work through all of this or find the strength to move on and finally give yourself the chance that life forgot to deal you. I wish you (and your children) the best of luck and all my prayers. You can e-mail me if you would like to talk on a more personal level, my name is Crystal and my address is cutecountry99@hotmail.com. Best wishes...sweetnopichick
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:59pm
Hi again, I received your e-mail and I will wait for your new address and we can talk then. I think that is a good idea :)....until then, hugs & best wishes, crystal
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:54pm

hi honey and hugs to you! i know what you are going thru, i went thru a similar story myself, and am just now getting out of it (still not divorced, but separated for the past 6 months). so i do know wher eyou are coming from. it is not easy to recognise the signs. its not easy to look at yourself from the outside and to KNOW what you need to do and to do it. we each have our breaking points, we each have our lightbulbs moments - that moment that you just KNOW that that is the LAST time he abuses you or your child, and that no matter WHAT the cost is - you are getting out.


I was married (second marriage) to a control freak who cannot/will not/ did not have sex with me (and if you ask me, i believe he never had sex at all, but he wouldn't admit it.). he was HORRIBLE to me, and to my son, and only NOW i can say --- well why did i stay? for the usual reasons: I didn't understand how unhealthy it was to me, and to my son, i believed his subtle and not so subtle insinuations that i couldn't make it on my own, i didn't know how to keep to a budget, blah blah blah. well - guess what. I left 6 months ago - walked out when he was on a biz trip. have NO money, have NO car, but guess what - i am happy, my son is happy. anyone can learn to budget and balance a check book - but not everyone has the love and friends and support that i have.


I can tell you that what helped ME was to get into therapy - we went initially because my son was having issues (DUHHHHH!!!) he wasn't going to school, would get panic attacks,etc. they convinced us (STBX and I) to do couples counseling while my son went to therapy on his own. eventually STBX just stopped going (even when he went, he was just "there" and never really progressed). and it took time but finally i "got it": he is abusive, he has issues, he is addicted to painkillers and tranquilizers, he can't have a normal sex life, he doesn't work, he is a slave driver --- i just DIDN"T LIKE HIM, and worse - i didn't like who i became when i was with him. IF he had been willing to do ANY therapy work, and make whatever changes - i would've stayed. but he made it quite clear that this was he, and if i didn't like it - tough.


i wish you all the best. take the time you need but really - get some help for yourself. and honey - PLEASE don't kid yourself that your kids don't know/see. they do. and it really really hurts them. it hurts them when you are hurting, it hurts them because HE hurts them, and they will grow up thinking that 'this' is normal. i bet your kids have problems of their own - in school and socially. and meds are fine for a short-term help - but don't get hooked on xanax - you really need therapy. please - you are a strong fine beautiful person - you deserve to be happy.


please keep us posted....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:58pm

here are some boards that might be more specific to your issues:


this is for surviving divorce, i post there as well: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsmartdivor


these are for domestic abuse and rape survivors:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcrisis


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting



This is for surviving childhood abuse: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsurviving


i hope you find your peace. good luck and hugs again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:19am
I'd rather be on welfare to support my children than to put up with that crap. Use your office skills and get a job somewhere else. I am sure that after someone has made you feel like an imbicile over and over again it is hard to believe that you can do it on your own, but it can be done. If youre gonna threaten to leave, then follow through. He'll never let you live it down if you don't. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:39am
Im not angry at all ... at you. But one person DOES need to get angry. You.

Ive been where you are, mine got alot worse and I took tons more before I left. I dont want, more than anything else, for your situation to get that bad. Believe me, you dont want it either. First its mental abuse, then it worsens.

You dont need Xanax, sweetie, you need gone. Take the kids to their dad for a little while until you can get on your feet. This is horrible for you and I am so sorry that you have to deal with this but honey, 20% heaven isnt worth enduring 80% hell. Its not going to get better. Its going to get alot worse until you stand up and say enough and leave. Tell him that you are sick and want to stay home, and get your ex to help or family or friends, but get your and your kids things out of there.

Honey, you dont want to live through the hell that I did, it nearly killed me. If I could get into your shoes, I would to get you out of there, but you are going to have to do it. I know that its so hard and Im sorry, but you HAVE to take up for yourself and these kids. Yep, you made a mistake to marry him. Dont make another and stay, though. His tears and pleading are manipulation and of course he's going to use them. Dont get sad, dont get hurt, GET MAD. Mad is productive, at least. He is a human, he is a bully, and you have help available. The hard thing is trying to go past the shame of what is going on. But sweetie, it isnt YOUR shame, its his. Dont be embarrassed, for your kids be brave. It happens to alot of us. For those of us who leave, it ends.

I know you dont have a choice in accepting his words as they hit your ears, but sweetie its your choice there you let them hit your heart. Dont cry - dont give him that - get firm, get mad and get productive and get OUT. If you have to, do it when he's not home but get out and TELL someone.

Like my mother told me when I was going through this and she suspected it, "Even the most docile old dog will eventually get up and bite if you kick it enough. ... Ready to get up yet, honey?"

You can email me through my profile. Ill do all I can to help. You have my prayers and I wish you all my strength to leave him. Love is not supposed to leave bruises, internal or external.