what to believe
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| Mon, 10-01-2007 - 12:14pm |
I feel like my husband is not telling the truth about something. When do you just let it go and how do you get over that. It started when we were dating he was just getting over a divorce(i now not the best time) anyway one day he said he had to go to lunch with someone. he works in a job where there is a lot of lunch business. Anyway i had a feeling in my gut he was going with his ex. so i asked him. He said that was his plan but that if it made me uncomfy he wouln't go. So i asked him not to go. I guess they had some last papers to sign( i thought sign the papers not lunch. So he gave me a hug and said i promise I won't go to lunch we will just meet and sign papers. So i called him at his lunch time and he was with her. Maybe it was wong of me to ask him not to have lunch with her but either way he still lied to me. that was #1
Then a few months back he said he was at a job site in robbinsdale. we live in mn and 100% of the time before he would take 169 home instead of comming all the way back and going up 65.

Welcome to the board kboynton23,
It can't say that the first two examples are necessarily lies, but the third one is. In a way, it almost seems like you are trying to find ways to link him and his ex. Does he have a history of lying or telling little white lies like about the honeymoon?
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I'd also like to know if he has a history of these "little" lies before you got married.
It would seem that unless you are willing to accept a man who is a liar, this marriage could have been a mistake. It could be that he keeps secrets from you because he assumes (probably correctly) that you will get mad if you catch him doing things he shouldn't be doing. I'm not sure if I'd bring the Target issue into the mix because that's not very solid proof of him seeing her, but your instincts are well-founded.
Lying undermines the basis of all relationships. It is not acceptable, because it erodes your trust in him.
It sounds as though he may be a pathological liar, which means he does it almost unsconsiously and automatically and has a hard time stopping.
You have to stop and see if you can develop trust in him despite this. Do you trust that he will be faithful to you? Can you live with these lies he tells you? How harmful are they to you? Is it his way of getting a little breathing room and space for himself? Some people lie because they just want a private life, they don't want to have to tell everything to the person they're with. Of course everyone needs and deserves a private life, there are other ways to get that, but this is way for some.
Sit down with yourself and really think this through. Rather than hold grudges against him and make lists of all the times he's lied just decide if you can live with him despite it. If you can, let it go. If you can't, then you need to really talk it over with him, help him get professional help with it (which he may or may not agree to)...and leave if it doesn't stop, for your own peace of mind.
Take good care
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