What can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
What can I do?
4
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 5:59am

Hello everyone, I'm looking for some advice on how to salvage one very strange relationship indeed. (Heehee, aren't we all?)

First,let me introduce myself. I'm an 18-year-old college student currently trying to find a way to pay next semester's tuition, I lost my job three weeks ago and thus far none of the jobs I have applied to have called back. I'm broke, I've nearly gone over on my credit card paying for gas to go to school this summer and ended up dropping my courses. I can't get a cash advance to pay my bills or tuition because I have no job and bad credit (NO idea how that happened).

Anyways, my problem is this. I have been in an online distance relationship for 8 months now. My boyfriend is flawed of course, and generally has a depressing outlook on his life (his doctor has him on antidepressants, it runs in his family). The first two months of our relationship were very rocky indeed- we broke up twice because of some other woman once and sexual frustrations the second time, we were both miserable for three days and then he came back asking me to take him back and I gladly did so. We were happy together for the next six months.

Because of my current financial state, I've been really depressed over the last four months or so and he has been wonderful, assuring me everything would be okay even when it felt like he was the ONLY thing right in the world. When we first met, I was more financially secure and was not having problems with my family, so I was more.... spunky. I regret not being that spunky girl he fell in love with, because I know it was hard on him.

Anyways, Friday night he told me he couldn't stand waiting for me. Every plan we've made to meet falls through because neither of us has the money, and it served only to depress us both thus far. My parents won't help me go up to see him and his won't help him see me. So Friday night we 'ended' it.... but there was no real closure.

He called me several times Saturday, getting drunk (which he rarely does unless he's really depressed) and about to go to a party with his friends for the first time in months. I had talked to him that morning and he told me he was really sorry, but he couldn't stand waiting anymore because it was apparent to him we'd never get to meet. He says he still loves me- heck, he SHOUTED it in public ten times on the phone yesterday- and I'm still very much in love with him.

My friends, or most of them at least, have all told me he's not worth it, but I think they can't possibly judge whether or not he is worth it to ME. And he is. I've had one friend call me an idiot for loving him still, but I'm absolutely miserable without him. I'm not attracted to ANYONE I've met in my area, and wasn't before we met.

Right now the only way I know of to save our relationship is to scrape up 150$ to bus up to see him, or otherwise go to New York to work (I have a friend up there who is willing to bus me up there to save up some money) and visit him on the weekends. I can't get any funds together, as I said I am utterly broke, but I am at my wits' end. Please help! I want to save this relationship so badly. I feel like I can but I don't know how.

Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 12:40pm

Welcome to the board sanguinejackal,


What’s more important school or the relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 3:26pm

Welcome to the board sanguinejackal,


I think this comes down to what is more important to you to spend money on. Education or meeting your bf. I am taking it that you have never met in real life before? Why can't he come to see you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 4:46pm

If you know what your credit score is, and you don't know why, then you should be looking at it more closely. The report says a lot more than one number. Having debt, and racking up a lot of credit card purchases, even if it's not over your limit, will kill your credit. There may not be a way out of this (except by using a credit card as though it's money you HAVE and not money you OWE) but it probably explains your credit score at least in part.

Anyway...

"online distance relationship"
"but he couldn't stand waiting anymore because it was apparent to him we'd never get to meet. "
WHA-WHA-WHAAAAAT you've never met?

You don't have a relationship
You're not in love with him because you've never met him
Listen to your parents,
Listen to your friends.

I have to say I've been where you are before and everyone else is right. While I wouldn't use the word "idiot" to describe your "love" for him I would certainly use "naive" and perhaps "sort of crazy".

"My friends, or most of them at least, have all told me he's not worth it, but I think they can't possibly judge whether or not he is worth it to ME. "
Well that's true. But there's one thing you aren't able to use, and that's an objective perspective.

If you really feel you need to be with this person and put your all into it then go ahead, you know how you'd have to be able to see him. If I were your parent I wouldn't be driving you to go see a guy who doesn't really want to be with you, either. How can you blame them? You both sound very dramatic about your fantasy "love" but it's not enough to survive reality right now. I think your appetite is bigger than your mouth, so to speak. I don't see any way for this to work out if you two just can't take being apart without breaking up several times.

If you need this then do it. Maybe that's a risk you have to take. BUT that decision is extremely unwise and ill-informed. I hate to sound like another parent, although I can't help but tell you how incredibly ridiculous and humiliated I felt not listening to the people who cared about me and knew me... in person... while I was going through this exact same situation.

I imagine that someday you will look back on this and feel similarly. And if a man you've never met is more important than an education, then I really think you should drop out.

Do what you gotta do. I just hope you realize that you're not only up against a mountain of odds, but the fact that this guy wants more than you can offer right now.




Edited 7/7/2008 4:48 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 12:30am

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I got a couple responses though... ^^;

clitwinflame- Did I even spell your username right? I sure hope so. This one's actually for everyone; saving up the 150 would get me up to see him. But it wouldn't even make a dent in tuition. I talked to my mom earlier today and she said she feels bad for pushing me to take summer semester, in other words, not take a break at all. I am considering taking next semester off to save up for tuition in any case. Also, the 150 bucks likely won't be happening anyways as I'll be saving.

I understand he's got a lot of emotional problems. He even puts himself down, something I have a problem with myself and we both try to keep each other from doing. (Sort of like the blind leading the blind here, I think.... haha.) I'd love to get that reading material if the nearest bookstore weren't an hour away and I could afford one anyways. x__x

clctara- No we haven't met yet and it's extremely frustrating. We both have two mutual friends that had a distance/online relationship and their parents paid for everything for them, but he and I are both college students. He's trying to pay off his tuition, as am I, except he has a job and I don't. He's offered to send me a little money each month to keep me a little more stress-free and I always tell him not to. He would have visited long ago if he could afford it. (Even when he offered to pay for the ticket, I am one to ferociously fight the 'guy buys everything' stereotype. I can't stand it. I feel that if I can't get it myself then I need to work to earn it.)

eggbertshootsfire- can I call you egg for short? x__x I don't know what my score is, I can't afford a credit report or a subscription to one of those three-times-a-year things.
So far, I've only used the card for gas and a bit of food when I have to, like I said, but my dad had promised me he would pay off all my gas expenses before he disowned me. So I'm the one stuck with the bill. He also doesn't have a job and hasn't had one for two years so I cannot in good conscience demand that he pay what he promised.

Like I mentioned before, the only reason we've yet to meet is because, unlike our luckier friends, our parents are not rich or generous enough to help us out when it comes to trying to meet in the first place. They just want to know when to expect him down here.

I've already compared myself- on several occassions- to that chick in the movies or soap operas who everyone (audience and her friends) know she's in a bad relationship and keep telling her to get away. But being in the position of the girlfriend, I can understand wanting to be with someone enough- especially when you're as stubborn as me- to stay with them. At the very least I want to make certain that we can meet once, because who knows we may not hit it off in person. But at least I would know. The him that I know, is from playing with him on XBox Live for a long time and learning how he joked, how he acted when he partied, stuff like that.... then it was MSN and phone calls. I've seen him at his worst and vice versa.

Just so everyone knows. I am not dropping out of college to be with him; I haven't got enough money for tuition period. I don't know if I even qualify for a Pell Grant yet because I can't file independent but I hope to GOD I get something.

I think part of the reason I am so adamant on seeing him is because, I was raised basically as a maid. My friends saw it, my mother saw it, most of the adults in my life saw it but not my stepdad, who was doing the raising. I've lifted my disabled sister- who has always been the same weight as me- since i was 11, and done the heavy lifting the 7 times we moved in those 7 years. So essentially.... I was never allowed to be a kid. No real social life to speak of, had to stay at home and take care of my sister even when Dad was home because he "didn't think it was appropriate for a grown man to take a teenage girl to the bathroom" even if it was his daughter. This same man has now abandoned me, will not speak to me, speaks ill of me to my little sisters that I grew up with for 12 years..... even though he is the one that taught me that "family is always there for you no matter what."

Oops. I rambled. Basically, I just want a chance to live my life a little bit. One semester off to save for tuition, then another to save for fun stuff. Traveling, maybe buying new clothes since all I have are hand-me-downs. I don't know if it is a good idea as far as school goes, but I am simply so tired of being dictated to and I need to breathe a little. In fact, the only reason I attended college in the first place was because my family told me to. And that is also the reason I am so in debt; summer semester is optional (well,. all of them are but it's like volunteering for summer school) and my family pushed me to do it until I couldn't anymore.

(I was raking the yard today for two hours and I got a lot of thinking done.... can you tell?)

Alex spoke to me again today and says he misses me, he's sorry, and he thinks he was stupid for wanting to break up. I told him to just take his time and figure out what he wanted before he came back. And if he does decide to come back I'm going to make it damn clear that he needs to make up his mind. One more transgression and we're done. I'm growing a spine and putting my foot down.