What can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
What can I do?
11
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 7:39pm

I HAVE BEEN SEEING THIS WOMAN FOR 3 1/2 YEARS AND WE ARE CONSTANTLY ARGUING OVER SENSLESS THINGS. I DONT LIKE TO ARGUE BUT WHEN I AM PUSHED TO MY LIMIT I GET ANGRY. NEVER BY VIOLENCE , BUT WE RESORT TO CONSTANT NAME CALLING OR SOME OTHER 3RD GRADE ANTICS. MY PROBLEM IS THIS , ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO I WAS TAKING A FINAL EXAM FOR SCHOOL AND AFTER THIS EXAM WHICH WAS 2 1/2 HOURS MY FRIEND CALLED BECAUSE HIS WIFE HAD TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY BECAUSE A DEATH IN THE FAMILY, THEN MY GIRLFRIEND CALLED TO SAY SHE WAS OFF OF WORK AND WOULD CALL WHEN SHE GOT HOME BECAUSE I WAS ON THE PHONE. AFTER I HUNG UP ANOTHER FRIEND CALLED BECAUSE HE WAS JUST DIAGNOSED WITH DIABETES AND WAS FEELING LOW SO WE TALKED. THEN SHE CALLED AGAIN BY THIS TIME IT WAS 8 OCLOCK AND I STILL HAD NOT SHOWERED BECAUSE I TOOK THE TEST AFTER WORK, SO I TOLD HER I WOULD SEE HER TOMMOROW, SHE GOT ANGRY BECAUSE SHE SAID WE HAD PLANS BUT THEY WERENT TO GO ANY WHERE JUST HANG OUT AT HER HOUSE, AND I SAID SO WHAT I WILL SEE YOU TOMMOROW AFTER WORK. WELL AFTER WORK I CALLED ON THE WAY HOME AND ASKED IF SHE HAD EATEN SHE SAID NO , SO I SAID OK WAIT FOR ME AND WE WILL OREDER FOOD, FIVE MINUTES LATER SHE CALLED BACK AND SAID DONT BOTHER COMING BECAUSE WE WOULD JUST FIGHT OVER MY ANSWER OF "SO WHAT I WILL SEE YOU TOMMOROW AFTER WORK" SHE THEN SENT ME A EMAIL STATING THAT SHE NO LONGER WANTED TO BE WIYH A PERSON WHO SHOWS DISRESPECT AND DISREGARD FOR HER AND SAID THAT ANY NORMAL GUY WOULD HAVE APOLOGIZED FOR SAYING WHAT I DID. TO WHICH MY ANSWER WAS MAYBE ANOTHER GIRL WOULD HAVE SAID HEY MY BOYFRIEND JUST TOOK A 2 1/2 TEST AND HAS NOT SHOWERED I WILL STAY BY HIM TONITE AND WE CAN SPEND THE REST OF THE WEEKEND AT HER HOUSE. WHICH WAS THE REASON IN THE FIRST PLACE OF ME TAKING THE TEST ON A THURSDAY SO WE WOULD HAVE THE WHOLE WEEKEND TO BE TOGETHER INSTEAD OF ME TAKING IT AS I NORMALLY DO ON A SATURDAY. ALSO THE FUNNY THING IS THAT ON WEDNESDAY SHE HAD JUST TOLD MY SISTER EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT, AND THEN NOW SHE HAS SAID IT WAS OVER BECAUSE OF SOMETHING LIKE THIS. WE HAVE NOT SPOKEN IN 2 WEEKS AND I WILL NOT CALL BECAUSE I FEEL I DID NOTHING WRONG AND I GUESS SHE FEELS THE SAME BY HER RESPONSE IN THE EMAIL. THERE ARE OTHER SITUATIONS BUT THAT IS FOR LATER, RIGHT NOW THIS SEEMS TO BE THE NEW DRAMA. AM I WRONG IF SO TELL ME. DON

Edited 3/14/2007 7:55 pm ET by topgun923




Edited 3/21/2007 6:32 pm ET by topgun923

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: topgun923
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 9:19pm

Hello topgun923! I have a question for you and that is, have you ever given her a reason not to trust you? Once you answer this, I can give you further insight on the situation as I am reading it. Take care.

P.S. - I hope the other experienced folks on this board will respond.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
In reply to: topgun923
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 9:28pm
no i have not. I am either at work or school or with her. She has alot of insecurities from previous relationships and these constantly get in the way of ours. i try to help her with these but they seem to be from the past. she was in counseling and i also went with her but seems she cannot shake this. i am evry hurt i cannot understand why she would do this , she seems to want control and it seems no matter what i do i cannot satisfy this person, problem is i love her.she has done things to me that would make people think i was crazy to stay with her, i am not saying that i am a perfect person but it seems that when she gets in these moods , she pushes my buttons till she pushes you over the edge and then blames you. when i apologize she says she cannot accept that because she says it isnt genuine but things she does it seems that i have to turn the other cheek and act as though they never happened. to me no person is going to break up just because you did not come over their house. also how can someone be so cold as to think about joining a service after being with a person 3 1/2 years it makes no sense to me.


Edited 3/21/2007 6:34 pm ET by topgun923
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: topgun923
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 10:57pm

Oh Dear! I must say you do have a lot on your hands. In all honesty, you seem to be a very good person, despite the flaws you claim. Has your GF seeked any kind of help? Just how long you have hung in there tells me that you are a good person. From re-reading your post, I see that she has got some sort of help and that you went with her. Please try to get her to see another counselor, from readiing these boards, some folks say, don't just go with the first counselor, keep trying to you find a one that actually fits your situation.

P.S. - I truly hope your relationship works out.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
In reply to: topgun923
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:06am

Im sorry to say, but from a female's point of view.. I would say that she doesn't want to be with you.
My bf does those kinds of things to me all the time... because he is in school and works also... but i don't break up with him because i get pissed at him once... twice... or even three times... because i love him and eventually i understand that school and work are important not only for our future but for his advancement... so i get over it and we move on... for her to break up with you over such a minor thing... and by email at that... is a clear sign that she no longer wants to be with you... im not even talking about the fact that she signed up for a dating service...

if she really loved you... she would understand by now and call you and start a descourse... but that has not happened in two weeks... i say cut your losses while you still have confidence in yourself... think about this... being in a relationship with a person like that... one who concentrates all of her energy on making elephants out of ants... would have destroyed you as a person ... this type of systematic disregard for you would have left you broken hearted and with more insecurities ....

it almost seems to me that she was looking for a reason to break up with you and look for someone else... perhaps one who feeds her insecurities and neediness ... who knows...

I am sorry that you are going through this but for you to get back with this person would cause more grief... I think you should start your healing process and concentrate on you... i wish you all the best...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
In reply to: topgun923
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:03am
Thanks for responding. I can see where you are coming from. I guess i can tell one more story and that is when i was at school (this is college) and during class introductions she asked if i said i had a girlfriend. I said no because they dont want a life history just a brief synopsis of who you are and what you are taking , she went hysterical. her response to this was someone is waiting for when we break up to take me to dinner ,then i am going to screw his brains out. Later she apologized and why should I accept that apology when she always says my apologies arent genuine. Who would say such a thing unless you were actually thinking it. As i said anything i have done or said that statement of hers makes mine pale in comparison. when i ask if she tells her friends or family what she says she tells me in time , because right now they have to deal with us getting together, which i say is b.s. they should know and their mouths would drop open, instead of seeing me as always the bad guy.
Don
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: topgun923
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:34am

Don, a little man-to-man talk on something you really need to consider.

An insecure person tends to be selfish, controlling and irresponsible in their relationships. Everything must always be about her, revolve around her and benefit her. She will always need to be greater than you and more important than you. Your goals, priorities, wants, needs and obligations will always be secondary to hers.

She will not call you because you are nothing more than her loyal servant. She expects you to call her with your tail between your legs so that she gains the benefit of being more important than you or anything in your life. This is how many insecure women operate.

Great relationships are equality-based and mutually-beneficial. Can you honestly say that your relationship with her follows that basic principle? You are never obligated to lower yourself into a relationship in which there is no honor, respect or integrity for you as a man and the value you bring.

It's unfortunate this has happened. I honestly think your best choice right now is to let go and re-balance your life. Focus on your studies as that is important to you as a man. You have a lot to offer, just offer it to a woman that shows appreciation rather than disrespect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
In reply to: topgun923
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:44am
Thanks,For your input. I know you are right, I just cant seem to comprehend how people can throw away 3 1/2 years and feel nothing, when they say things are great.
Don
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: topgun923
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 12:09pm

Hi topgun and welcome to the board.


I read both your posts, by the way, thanks for not using all CAPS on the second one...


While I agree with what everyone else wrote, I want to point out something, when a couple has 'plans' to see each other, it's important to follow through even if the plans were to do nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
In reply to: topgun923
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 12:36pm
i understand what everyone is saying , i am having a hard time understanding how someone can have absolutely no feelings. even if you were in a bad relationship i would think you would feel something. To me now it is just a game of strong wills i will not call as i feel that was totally uncalled for to break up but i do see what you are saying. i have done everything in my power to please this person and i guess i dont see the logic so i assume there is none. To break up because I didnt see her that night tells me that this person cannot look at my needs and thats not fair. She also said somethings which doesn't make sense at that was that i never felt like a real boyfriend, and she is sorry that she cannot accept me for who i am, this really pisses me off when if the person would look at themselves for a minute they would be asking how did this guy stay with me. ALSO it makes no sense when the night before she told my sister everything was going great, we were even thinking of buying a condo as a investment. when she did this i told her she is like a little kid , when she doesnt get her way she takes the ball and goes home.
sorry for sounding pissed but I am, to me this is crazy when i say i did everything i did , i wish i could write to someone and explain it all but maybe this is ok. i have alot to write so its hard to put the whole picture together i dont want people to feel that this is just my side because i am a person who tells it all even if i am wrong.
Don
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: topgun923
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 1:07pm

Don,


I'm not sure it's about having 'no feeling' as much as it's she can't see the world or the situation outside of herself.

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