what can I do about his yelling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
what can I do about his yelling?
2
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 6:22pm
Hello
I dont know what to do about my situation. My fiance always raises his voice at me when we get into an argument. It infuriates me. When we argue, I never raise my voice at him. He will yell at me no matter who he is around and people are listening. He even does it in front of his co workers if we are discussing something over the phone. He never insults me or swears at me, but I really think it is disrespectful the way he acts. I have told him that I don't ever want to be spoken like that again, but he keeps doing it. We have been together for almost 5 years and got engaged a few months ago. We have been living together for 3 years.
We are having a problem with moving into an apartment that is not ready yet as we were told it would be, and we have to leave our current apartment cause someone else is moving in. We dont have anywhere to go except my mother's house and I dont know how long that will be for. We were talking about the moving situation when we started arguing. I know that he is stressed about that, but I still don't think that is any reason to yell at me. I am stressed too.
How can I get him to stop this behavior? It makes me feel bad, angry, and hurt. He always blames me for his yelling at him. He yells at me that I call him at work, even though it is for a couple of minutes to organize things(he is a driver, so it is not like he can't talk to me at the moment) He does have speaker phone. And like I said, I dont call him that often, and when I do it takes 5 minutes of his time. I hang up on him when he doesnt stop yelling and he keeps calling me back, so obviously he has time to talk then! What do I do? I am afraid that once we are married, this will escalate. Though he has never been violent or threatening, Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 8:56pm

Hi Jenc2528, I've got some thoughts...but I've got a lot of questions too.

First up, does he yell at anyone he disagrees with or just you?

Because you haven't mentioned him having a bad temper with others, I'll assume it's just you and write my reply with this thought in mind. However, if I'm wrong, please feel free to correct me and give more information.

A general rule of thumb regarding yelling is that people do it when they feel they're not being heard. For instance, he's made it clear that he doesn't want you to call him at work. Yet you make excuses as to why it should be OK (speaker phone, infrequent calls and short conversations) and you call him anyway. This is a perfect example of him not feeling heard and his wishes being disregarded. If you really respected his thoughts, you would not call him at all. Or, if you were in the process of organising something that truly could not wait, you'd get his advance permission to call.

I'm also wondering how often you argue. And why do your discussions escalate into arguements? For the record, I've been with my husband for 16 years and I don't think we've ever "argued". We discuss issues and resolve them without it escalating to argument status. The fact that you argue frequently indicates that one or both of you isn't listening to the other. The secret to avoiding arguments is:

a. listen to each other
b. make the effort to really understand the other's point of view
c. respect each other's opinion....even if you don't agree with it.

The calling at work is a perfect example of this theory in action. You may not agree with him. You may think his reasoning is dumb. But despite you not agreeing, you should make every effort to understand him and respect his wishes.

Two more questions: Why are you arguing about the moving situation? What do you disagree about? What conversation happened just prior to him yelling?

How to stop it....

First of all, reflect on your own actions. What changes can you make to your own discussion technique so that he feels heard and understood by you?

Second, talk it over with him when he's not mad. Ask what he's feeling when he's yelling. Ask how he thinks the argument strategies can be altered.

Third, you may have to up the ante. But I'd like more information before I start suggesting major actions.




Edited 6/9/2007 9:17 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 10:42pm

Hello
Thanks for the reply. We really dont argue much. I guess you can say that when we have a disagreement, we really don't know how to handle it. I have never seen him yell at anyone else. Usually when he is at work, I text message him and tell him to call when he has a chance, but he never checks his messages. Which is why I have to end up calling him if I need a response to something. It was a pretty dumb reason for an arguement today and I think that we are both pretty stressed about our situation.

We had decided to move back to our old apartment that was being rebuilt because we lost it to a fire. So in the mean time we have been living where we are now and were told that the apt would be ready June 1st, we gave two extra weeks and apt is still not ready and we have to leave here by the 14th. The weekend is our only time to move because we have to be out of here by thurs. We decided to move back because we really love the area and dont like where we are now.

I had called to ask him when he wanted me to get a truck for and he said that he had no one to help us move, so not to get a truck. I explained that I would help and he started yelling that I could not help him move cause it would be too difficult. I kept saying that we would have to do what we can, I mean I have moved before and have done just fine with the furniture. I also told him that I have friends that are willing to help us and for some reason he kept yelling at me that we couldnt move cause he didnt have help.

I was trying to get a truck before they closed, and it was really close to closing time.
Another thing is that he was supposed to call our landlord to see if he would give us a space in his garage and he didnt want to cause he was supposed to call us yesterday and he never did. Well, I had to rush out to get a storage unit, since we absolutely have to move this weekend. Well it turned out that after I rented the storage, we found out that my fiance had a message from the landlord from yesterday saying that he had space for us, but it was too late cause like I said he never checks his messages.

I try not to call him at work, I know that he is sometimes with customers which is why I use the text message instead.
I do understand what you are saying, maybe I do bug too much sometimes, but I am not meaning to. We have so much that needs to get done and he is at work while I am trying to handle everything. I think too that we are letting the urgency of the situation get to us.

Like I said, we really don't argue much. I do notice that we do during stressful situations. Thanks again and any tips would be helpful