What can I do for him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
What can I do for him?
1
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 3:06pm
I am stuck at a crossroads and do not know which way to go...My bf and I have been together for 10 months and I love him very much. The problem is that we never talk. We used to talk for 5 hours at a time and I know that as the relationship moves on and you learn just about as much as you can about the person that the casual conversation dies out. We used to put in a movie and watch like 10 minutes of it and end up talking and *things* through the rest of the movie, now we pray that there is a movie on because if not we have nothing else to do. I mean we can talk about stuff like work (we both work at the same place), mutual friends, our own personal stories, but never US as a couple. He has an issue with not wanting to screw things up. By this I mean he tries to do everything right, tries to be perfect. He is far from perfect as I am too. So when I come to him with a problem in our relationship, it inevitably means he is half to blame which then means he is not doing something right. He hates criticism, confrontation or disapproval. His motto is that if he does not recognize or acknowledge that there is a problem then the problem doesn’t exist. Like if he pays no never mind to it then it just goes away. I am here to say that it just doesn’t disappear. I can’t bring up anything negative about our relationship, if I do he either gets all defensive and gets madder at me or he hangs up the phone when he doesn’t want to hear it or goes home and won’t answer the phone or the door. After about a day and a half to two days he finally emerges, says he’s sorry and he will try and work on it.

I know he has had some really bad relationships in his past that have really broken his heart, but I thought maybe he trusted me after these 10 months. I need some advice on ways to help him understand that no matter what we are going to have issues in our relationship and that I am offering constructive criticism and not just having fun pointing out all his faults. And I know many of you will say tell him just that; but I can’t because something will trigger in his head that nothing good can follow that intro and he will turn the tables and get mad at me and run away before I can finish what I want to say. I am afraid that these little issues will eventually snowball and crush our relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 6:03pm
One thing you need to be aware of is it's not your responsibility to convince him or show him anything when it's his issues at the root of the problem. This is a tough situation for you because he is the one who needs to be aware that there are real problems/issues and he needs to be motivated enough to make the necessary changes/adjustments. You can't show him what to do or how to react to certain situations. The only thing you can do is be consistant and try not to be too pushy. Having said that you also need to look out for yourself and clearly define YOUR bounderies to him. If he crosses a boundery, then another and another then perhaps it's time for you to consider whether theis relationship is right for you.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi