What is the deal with his divorce?
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What is the deal with his divorce?
| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:49am |
My BF and I have been dating for over a year and he has asked me to marry him. However, he says he can't marry me yet because when he went to get a marriage license he found out that his ex had not signed the divorce papers yet. She lives in another state (he moved) and now he is saying she refuses to sign. He told me they went before a judge to have their marriage dissolved and I just cannot understand why her signature is so important.
Can anyone give me some insight? It is driving me mad. He blames the delays in a new court hearing on the lawyers, but I just don't know.
Can anyone give me some insight? It is driving me mad. He blames the delays in a new court hearing on the lawyers, but I just don't know.
Other than this issue our relationship is perfect.

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Basically, until they both sign and get it approved by a judge - he's a married man.
If he left it to her to handle......and she didn't - realize that was irresponsible on his part.
If he left her with the problem of "being married while he went off and did whatever he wanted" - then realize he'll do the same to you, as well.
But, he's a married man - he can't marry you. He'll be unable to marry until this is resolved and if you're any kind of intelligent - you'll cease to live together, cease to consider marriage a possibility, cease to talk about it - start dating other people.
Because quite likely - once he CAN legally get married - he either suddenly won't be sure that is what he wants to do...or else he'll start dating around immediately.
He's KNOWN he can't get married - that's why getting married to you as far as discussion goes is such a non-threatening issue.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I agree that something is fishy. I just cannot figure it all out. For one thing, his children know about me. So he is not hiding a marriage, or at least the relationship. Second, he did not just run. He moved out of state because he took a job as the plant manager of a major company. He is not irresponsible in most ways. I just don't understand what he is hiding. Any ideas?
#1 - without it - there is no court mandated support and visitation...so there are no penalties if you happen to not pay your support! You also don't get your visitation or custody restricted.
#2 - if there are unresolved tax issues within the marriage - divorce is the sure fire way to get the IRS on your tail, and garnishing your wages until you resolve your debt with them.
#3 - it's a guaranteed way NOT to have the option to remarry and "make another mistake".
#4 - it's a guaranteed way NOT to have your children haven't "step parents" and have that whole issue involved.
There are plenty of reasons "not" to divorce if you're friendly and amiable with your spouse and you're not having to hide your new relationship from them. Believe me - been there.
In fact, the only person it doesn't work for is the person who they're dating and ONLY IF that person "wants marriage".
So let me ask, have YOU been talking more about marriage, have you been pressing more for commitment, or do you "respond so positively and graciously and lovingly and adoringly" whenever the subject of marriage arises between you two?
Because if you've been dating him all along ASSUMING that marriage if you date long enough is an inevitability......that's just NEVER a good assumption to make about anybody.
And lots of people who aren't good at communication, and obviously he's not, do the "not mention" tactic when dealing with issues. If you're bringing up marriage and the future - they simply "go along" with the idea. They're not initiating it, they're not really overmuch contributory to the conversation per se - except in generalities of "someday I (read I - not we - because it is easy to hear "we" when someone says "I" in these conversations) would like to have, where "I" would like to live, etc." That leads you to believe that you're discussing a mutual future and into an agreed upon avenue for it - while in reality nothing has been concretely discussed because that would involve "facts" that nobody has revealed yet - that would serious limit the ease, comfort, benefit, and security with which the daily life goes on in the relationship so far.
But, in every state both parties must sign or be served in order to get to court to get a final divorce decree. And honestly, if you'd look around your life with him, and his life on his own- without your assumptions and projections - you'd pretty much find out waht the score is.
If they're friendly for the sake of the kids, and they're not in conflict about "your" relationship with him - then there's a good REASON that they're both fully aware of that divorce is not an option, or at least a good option at this time.
If you've assumed that the reason that she's friendly with you, and non-restrictive of the kids around you is because she was his "ex" wife - you've now found out differently. She's his WIFE...and she's treating you as she is - friendly and accepting, knowing what SHE knows...that YOU don't.
So there is plenty to discuss in cnocrete terms with your partner......and I guarantee you he has the answers, and I can almost assure you that you'll never get the truth.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
1)You know..some guys are just in love with the idea of playing house so to speak. He can play the "I love you let's get married game" you both are on cloud nine and he sees you happy, etc. In the background he knows full well there is no final divorce so he can't be held to the fantasy. He could keep this up for a couple of years claiming the ex is taking him back to court now, poor him, until he decides he has what he wants from you and moves on. Sure his kids know about you..they maybe have been separated a couple years..who knows..maybe trying out the single life.
2)Or it is final and he got cold feet. If he tells you he went to the courthouse to get the marriage license and then found it out...he's lying somewhere. You BOTH have to go with a witness. If only he went, they would just tell him to go get you and then come back..they wouldn't start processing anything enough to know his divorce wasn't final yet.
3)Or, he could be telling the truth..(long stretch of the imagination but I'll humor him here by giving the benefit of the doubt) in which case if he can't handle making sure his personal business affairs (no pun intended) are in order by following up on his own divorce, I'd be aprehensive of intertwining my money, etc. with his at some point. That shows to me he has issues with personal responsibility.
Think back..have you met the rest of his family? Does his kids talk about the divorce like they think it's over? Does he seem overly secret?
Call his bluff..tell him it's time to call the lawyer and get this over and see what he does. Betcha he'll blow you off with excuses.
Second, I'm no expert, but my sister recently got a divorce and they made sure that both she and her ex had copies of the papers and signitures. What did he think when he didn't get any documentation/confirmation? I'm sure he had some clue...didn't he have a lawyer that would say "good it's done" or "we need her signature"?
I'm not saying that I don't think he loves you, but come on! These things would be obvious to someone who has been married before. Why don't you just bring up these 2 points and then see what he says? For example, "How come you went to get the license alone, don't I HAVE to be there to even allow them to give you forms?" Because he can't turn anything in without your stuff, which means he didn't fill out a form and turn it which means no one told him he was still married. He probably all ready knew but didn't know how to tell you or something, so he just said "oops, guess what i just found out." I don't know. You can do better than this. I know you think your relationship was perfect except for this, but if he's being shady about this...what other things can you question?
Good luck!
The process is quite simple:
person A files for divorce - this can be done with or without a lawyer but most people don't know all the laws and get a lawyer. The papers can be delivered to person B in different ways - sometimes by having a police officer give it to person B or person A delivers the papers themself.
Once both people have signed the papers - the lawyer or the person who filed give these papers to the courthouse- a court date is established. Usually if it is a simple divorce which like 80% of divorces are - only one person has to be present at the divorce hearing (of course if there are disputes or child support hearings involved both parties need to be present).
So if your man is saying they were in front a judge then the papers would have had already been signed by him and his ex. The only thing that happens on the divorce court date is that the judge signs the papers. Copies are made and sent to both parties.
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