What Did I Do Wrong?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
What Did I Do Wrong?
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 10:08am

So I have been lurking around the boards on here lately trying to help some with their relationship issues. Hopefully my thoughts have made a difference. Sad to see how there are so many people out there who do not know how to communicate effectively. So it is nice to see that there is a safe place for others to vent and to try to get advice.

I am not sure if men are allowed to make original posts. If not, then I truly do apologize and will remove this immediately. And I am not used to asking anything from anyone because I much more prefer to give. But I am at a true and total loss right now and would appreciate any advice possible. Because I know there are many women on these boards. I do not have any family nor any friends. And I honestly do not know where else to turn.

I have rushed into many unhealthy relationships in the past. With basically all of the wrong women for me. Trying to find the love that I never felt growing up. Not really because of what I need. Simply because of what I wish to give. I have just learned the hard way that you cannot really force things. Even when those things are the most important things to you. I try to take life as a learning experience. So I resigned myself to the fact that when I stop looking so hard, then maybe something good will come to me. Rather hard for a passionate person to cope with. But I truly felt it was for the best.

Then I unexpectedly met someone. Not just someone. Someone who literally took my breath away. Someone who made me feel like I could fly. The craziest thing of all is that she really seemed to like me. Saying such things as "I don't want this to ever stop", "You are a constant to me now and I can't get you out of my mind", "I want to be the only one to do that to you for a very long time because that is how you make me feel", "Because of how strongly I feel about you, I want to constantly remind you so that you will never need to ask me how I feel about you", "You make me so happy", "When we meet, I will be the happiest I have ever been", "I think I am falling for you, will you catch me?" "I like ending my day with you", "You have been the best thing to happen to me in a long time", and "There are times when I think of you and wonder why I did not stumble upon you sooner, so many things I need, so many things I want, that I get a little watery eyed thinking what this all is". Sorry for all the examples. Just thought that they may help.

She has two young daughters and has just been divorced. I have gone through two of them now and know exactly what it is like. All the transition within your life. So many changes. You trust that the long run will bring you happiness but the short term brings many tears and guilt. So I was very, very aware of this when we first started to talk. We both agreed to take things slow. Even with the intense attraction. Also believed that being friends was most important and vital to any happy relationship. Talked on the phone all the time and texted like there was no tommorrow. Sent e-mails to one another all the time. Ended our days talking to one another and saying good night. We agreed to meet and did a few weeks ago. The weekend was just beautiful. We did not have sex at all but the kissing and touching was even better. She claimed that the weekend was amazing.

Since I got back home, things started to be different. She seemed sort of stand-offish. Has barely texted me recently and when she does it is always trivial things. Has not e-mailed me in weeks. We no longer talk every night. I know one thing she said is that meeting me made it all so real. So I have tried to be understanding and have given her the space she seems to have been needing. Sort of hard when she said all those other things to me and again being as passionate as I am. But I know that if you truly care about someone, what is best for them sometimes is what is best. So I have not pushed anything. Have liked taking the time to get to know her because the most special things all take time.

The other night, she texts me and says that the ex met a woman and that the kids have met her already. Even after only a few weeks of dating. How selfish it was of him to not think of how it may effect the daughters. I could not agree more. I e-mailed her yesterday and told her that I totally get why she is upset and that she has every right in the world to be frustrated. That with this being a period of transition, the kids need as much consistency as possible. That even though kids think in simple terms, their feelings are no less important. I confirmed to her that I was here for her no matter what and that she was very special to me. I did not say anything romantic at all. Did not seem like the time or the place for it. I just wanted to be there for her as much as possible so that she would know that I care.

After that mail, she said that in lieu of what has happened with her ex, and with her kids asking her why she is on the computer all the time, that she has decided that she needs to really focus on them. Which I cannot help but appreciate and understand being that I am an educator myself. But now she is not even talking to me at all. Will not even let me in as a friend.

I know that she needs needs to be a mom first and foremost. And I know that meeting her daughters right now would be a mistake. As would taking up all of her free time. But why does she feel the need to shut me out of her life completely? Should she not be happy too and would her own kids not want her to be? How long does it take to send a two minute text saying hello to a friend or that you are sort of thinking of them? Why say such romantic things to someone with such consistent passion only to suddenly take them away? If she did not like me in person and her feelings changed, why not be up front and honest with me instead of leading me on like she has? Why do people have such a very hard time communicating with one another?

And most importantly perhaps, what exactly did I do wrong?


Because I am at the point in which I am almost about ready to stop even trying. Why even make the effort to make a relationship work when all it leads to is more and more hurt?


I am a hopeless romantic and one day will most likely find myself back out there again. So I really want to know what mistakes I have made with her so that I can perhaps try to be a better partner the next time. What exactly is it that women want?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know that it is sort of long.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 11:26am

If both of you can agree to hold back a bit & concentrate on friendship now w/ the possibility of more later, then I think it could work out.  i think the reason that friendship doesn't work out a lot is that one person really wants more & is not satisfied w/ just being friends.  I can relate to how she feels w/ the ex's GF now--I always had that worry after my ex met someone he later married that the kids would like the SM more than me cause she wouldn't have to disclpline them--of course it never happened.  I will always be the mom even though they like their SM.  Well it's so many years later now and I have been w/ the SM at many family events and we all get along fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 5:46pm

When she had said all those wonderful things to you at the beginning...had you guys met already or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 7:17pm
Your situation sounds much like an experience my dh had years ago with OLD. He met a woman who was just coming off her second divorce but for 3 months led him to believe she was as in love with him as he was her. Then one day she just quit returning his calls. Dh never was able to get the closure he needed as many people don't. Adults should be able to just tell the other person the truth but unfortuneately most don't and the other person is just left hurt and wondering why. Please don't waste any more time wondering why. Life is too short to waste time. Just learn from this experience and move on.