what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2009
what to do?
7
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 9:44pm

my dh and i have been together for a total of 6 years. we've been married for over 3. two major life changes have happened in the last 10 weeks. my first baby was born, my dh's second. he has primary custody of his 10 year old son. also my mom moved into our home (on his request) right before baby was born. she is unemployed and helps me with that baby.

but the passed 3 weeks or so things have been going south... i'm not sure there is a single cause to it... but i think it's because of my mom. she is looking for work and hasn't been having luck. but dh thinks she doesn't look hard enough. he doesn't understand that a lot of jobs are on the internet (his line of work isn't that way). he recently got laid off too, and is looking for work... but imo not hard enough. he also wants me to go to work, but with a brand new baby, along with this being my one and only i don't want to because i don't want to miss anything but i do want to make money.

he also gets annoyed with my mom with things she says... but she gets annoyed with him because she thinks he should help out more with the baby along with not playing video games so much.

i'm annoyed with both of them because of the reasons above.... but the tension in our household is just outrageous and i really can't take it.... i try to make things okay dokay... but it's going to pop soon!

advice anyone?

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 9:06am

10 weeks ago you had your first baby. I hate to make this sound trivial, but you're bound to experience some real difficulty as a VERY new mom! I don't think I would take these stressful three weeks as a sign that your life or relationship is going downhill.

I can see that there is a lot of tension being caused by unemployment. This is no one's fault. I think you all need to understand that this is a very difficult time for all of you, and you need to lighten up on one another. You are a family and you will get through this together. You love one another. Your husband just wants some kind of income - That is understandable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 1:27pm

I agree with UCC! New babies bring a lot of tension in the house.

I don't get that HE wanted your mother there, but now doesn't want her there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2009
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 12:33am

thanks. i just found out today (as i was driving my mom around to drop off applications) that over the weekend instead of filling out the 8 applications that we picked up on friday, she only filled out 2.... i was very upset about this. the last week with her, she hasn't been helping much. i am doing the chores, the baby for the most part, along with helping my mom look for work and dealing with everything else.

so when i found that out today i was upset. but i told her, in a nice way, that she needs to spend all day today filling out apps... and we picked up about 4 more others... she did that! she would complain that she hasn't found work to my siblings, but not really look for work... or very lazily looking for work. in three months she has only applied to about 30 places or so... minus the ones she filled out today. in an economy like this, you have to be diligent and determined. i know she is depressed.... but common...

as far as my dh... his line of work is very limited... he makes so much on unemployment it doesn't make sense for him to go out and get an minimum wage job and make less.... but he is part of a union so he can't just take any ole job that is in his industry... make sense?

yesterday i spoke with him and told him how i have been feeling.... we talked it over and today he has been much better with the baby (giving me time to help my mom fill out apps) and he made dinner.... and did some extra chores that i needed him to do. he did get up early today and signed up for barely minimum wage job with the union and stopped by a job that is supposed to be starting within a month.... but with his industry it's slim pickin's....

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2009
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 12:37am

he never said that he didn't want her there... he's just thinking she's not contributing to the point where she should be... ie: chores mostly so i can concentrate on the baby more and not have to worry about the house and the baby (and school.... )

he doesn't expect her to support everyone... honeslty in her experience she would never be able to. but he doesn't want her sitting all around all weekend and not lift a finger to help me or the household but then complain that she's bored and doesn't have a job.

"Looking for a job is a FULL TIME job......that's how you find one.......not sitting on your ass playing games.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2001
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 8:55pm

I haven't been on this board for a long time but in reading the responses I have to come to your husband's defense to a point. I can't really blame him for playing video games. I'm not saying he should be playing all the time but I use playing videos as a stress buster, and maybe it helps him to keep a balance. As far as your mother, I really think since she is living off of your and your husband's generosity, that she needs to back off of him and not get in the middle of things. No wonder he needs to lose himself in video games, with her on his back.....

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 12:05pm

I understand the Union/unemployment dilemma.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2011
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 1:01pm

My question to you is pretty simple...Why is it your responsibility to fill out apps and drive your mother around to make sure she is filling out the apps?