what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
what to do
3
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:32pm
My df and I have been together for 1.5 yrs. When we first started dating we had all those conversations about what we have done, what we want to do and what we won’t do. We talked about moral and goals. Both of us have very strong opinions on certain subjects and we do agree on most.

Last night as we were watching a stupid reality TV show, I being in a playful mood, ask my df “have you ever _____” he thought about it for a few and came back with a “nope, how about you??” I kinda laughed and said “Yeah, once when I was about 20 at a party having a few drinks .” DF was VERY angry to put in mildly, jumped off the bed, starting packing and telling me he was gone. That I had lied to him about this touchy subject and deliberately hid it from him. He didn’t care that it happened 13 years ago – it happened. I was in SHOCK……after everything else he was walking because I done something silly at a party, 13 yrs ago.

Now, first off, he did ask me when we started dating if I had ever considered this. At that time, honestly, this one occurrence totally slipped my mind. So I told him no….because I didn’t even think of this. I did not lie – I forgot. And why would I lie, cover it up for a 1.5 and then be the one to bring it out?????????

My thing is your past is your past is your past. I would not walk out and leave him over something, anything, he did 13 yrs ago. I know him as the man he is today, now. People make mistakes, especially in our youth – its part of life.

Fact is this was not SEX, it was not murder, it was not robbery, and I didn’t participate in an orgy or porn movie. This was ONE kiss shared with a person df doesn’t approve of. Not someone he knows personally.

We did argue and yell for 2 hours. Where he apologized for threatening to leave and getting so angry. Fact is this is the 2nd time he has packed and told me he was leaving in less then 3 months. Last time it was because I was being sarcastic and disrespectful to him.

He told me that I should know him well enough by now that he isn’t leaving – that he just gets that mad at the moment. I have ask him in the past not to react that way – be mad, upset etc., but don’t threaten to leave when you get angry at me. I personally have to feel secure and safe in a relationship in order to be healthily.

Not sure what I am looking for other then some advice on what we need to do to keep this together. I am worried the next time he packs and threatens to leave that I will let him cause im tired of it or he will actually leave cause hes tired of packing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: foundit
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:40pm

Well, I think you need to get some couples therapy, I know it sounds like a dirty word, but that kind of behavior is unnacceptable and he needs to understand that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: foundit
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:25pm
Thank you James!!!

We have a joint checking account, auto insurance, cell-phone account and the lease to our apartment is in both our names. We are totally together "on paper".

My df called prior to my reading your post - and I explained to him that couples therapy is mandatory. I also suggested that we go back to seperate bank accounts. His response was - so you want to have seperate bank accounts and get married? I said what???? He replied well you can have the financial independence and the security of being married. I dont WANT total financial independence.... I want to know he has my back, that his love is unconditional - that he loves ME, the me I am today. Everything we go through makes us into the people we are today - and I have done alot im not proud of - but its not me anymore -im sure you guys know what i mean....lol

Thing is, I knew last night when he got up and packed that in the end he wouldnt really leave. That he was just angry. But I still find it unfair and controlling. I have never used this tactic to get my way or to control him in any way. I admit, I can be sarcastic and mean when angry and emotional - but I dont make threats.

therapy will benefit us both in the long run - i dont want to walk away from this without a fight. I love him very much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: foundit
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:47pm
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