what to do
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| Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:32pm |
Last night as we were watching a stupid reality TV show, I being in a playful mood, ask my df “have you ever _____” he thought about it for a few and came back with a “nope, how about you??” I kinda laughed and said “Yeah, once when I was about 20 at a party having a few drinks .” DF was VERY angry to put in mildly, jumped off the bed, starting packing and telling me he was gone. That I had lied to him about this touchy subject and deliberately hid it from him. He didn’t care that it happened 13 years ago – it happened. I was in SHOCK……after everything else he was walking because I done something silly at a party, 13 yrs ago.
Now, first off, he did ask me when we started dating if I had ever considered this. At that time, honestly, this one occurrence totally slipped my mind. So I told him no….because I didn’t even think of this. I did not lie – I forgot. And why would I lie, cover it up for a 1.5 and then be the one to bring it out?????????
My thing is your past is your past is your past. I would not walk out and leave him over something, anything, he did 13 yrs ago. I know him as the man he is today, now. People make mistakes, especially in our youth – its part of life.
Fact is this was not SEX, it was not murder, it was not robbery, and I didn’t participate in an orgy or porn movie. This was ONE kiss shared with a person df doesn’t approve of. Not someone he knows personally.
We did argue and yell for 2 hours. Where he apologized for threatening to leave and getting so angry. Fact is this is the 2nd time he has packed and told me he was leaving in less then 3 months. Last time it was because I was being sarcastic and disrespectful to him.
He told me that I should know him well enough by now that he isn’t leaving – that he just gets that mad at the moment. I have ask him in the past not to react that way – be mad, upset etc., but don’t threaten to leave when you get angry at me. I personally have to feel secure and safe in a relationship in order to be healthily.
Not sure what I am looking for other then some advice on what we need to do to keep this together. I am worried the next time he packs and threatens to leave that I will let him cause im tired of it or he will actually leave cause hes tired of packing.

Well, I think you need to get some couples therapy, I know it sounds like a dirty word, but that kind of behavior is unnacceptable and he needs to understand that.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
We have a joint checking account, auto insurance, cell-phone account and the lease to our apartment is in both our names. We are totally together "on paper".
My df called prior to my reading your post - and I explained to him that couples therapy is mandatory. I also suggested that we go back to seperate bank accounts. His response was - so you want to have seperate bank accounts and get married? I said what???? He replied well you can have the financial independence and the security of being married. I dont WANT total financial independence.... I want to know he has my back, that his love is unconditional - that he loves ME, the me I am today. Everything we go through makes us into the people we are today - and I have done alot im not proud of - but its not me anymore -im sure you guys know what i mean....lol
Thing is, I knew last night when he got up and packed that in the end he wouldnt really leave. That he was just angry. But I still find it unfair and controlling. I have never used this tactic to get my way or to control him in any way. I admit, I can be sarcastic and mean when angry and emotional - but I dont make threats.
therapy will benefit us both in the long run - i dont want to walk away from this without a fight. I love him very much.