what to do????

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
what to do????
7
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 3:23pm
My husband and I have had problems for many years. Neither one of us openly admitted them until 1.5 yrs ago... Since then... I have seen a therapist, he has seen a therapist, and we have seen a marriage counselor.

To try to make a long story short... I found something that I never fully admitted to... I spent my life growing up being a "pleaser." I did anything for anybody just so they would like me. For whatever reason, I was not "popular." I never cared what I wanted or needed. I carried this into my adult life and, unfortunately, my marriage. I was just so happy someone wanted me. After 12.5 yrs of marriage, I couldn't take it anymore. I just wasn't getting what I wanted or what I needed... because I never told him. What I also discovered is he "controlled" our entire marriage...because I let him. I never said a word because I was so scared of rejection. He wanted to control not only what I did but what I thought, how I felt, what I should believe. When I would ask or tell him something, he would just disregard what I said... You don't want to do that... You don't believe that, this is what you believe... Now that I am speaking up, he continues to disregard me... he does not respect what I say, what I want and it is affecting my whole life.

After all of this came out, he continued to disregard me... didn't care what I wanted, didn't listen to me, only cared about what he thought and what he wanted... Now, he sometimes "cares." I'm so scared to let my guard down. I will tell you that I have shut myself off from him completely. The only communication that we have involves our 9 yr old daughter and the marriage therapist. The thought of intimacy with him (emotional or physcial) is not even a remote thought and I cannot even imagine having that with him again. Now I am mad because NOW he "cares." I'm not sure if it's even genuine. I am hurting so much sometimes I just want to end it, get thru the greiving process and get on with my life...

This week is our last session with the marriage counselor because he is not seeing any progress and feels that we are wasting our time... My husband of course says he is willing to do anything to save our marraige, but because my feelings are not changing, the therapist feels there is nothing else he can do...

It is so hard to even put this in writing because I know those of you that read it can't get the whole pictures unless I spend hours writing details of everything that has happened... But it is true... my feelings are not changing... I'm too scared of letting my guard down... afraid to get hurt again... What's sad is, I have not let my guard down and I continue to get hurt...

I have learned much about me and what I want out of a relationship... I cannot even imagine the idea of having that with him...

Help!!!! What would you do????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 1:52am
what is learned is difficult to unlearn.

he will have to be a patient, understanding man and if he can't be, then you have to decide if you want the marriage or not.

be patient with yourself, too. unravelling patterns takes time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 9:17am

Well, 12 and a half years is a lot of time to have spent in a situation you were unhappy with, but if you ever want to see if you can rediscover what you have lost with him, you are going to have to be willing to give this a fresh start.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:20pm
If you realized that you cannot get what you want from your husband, there is no point in staying with him. While it is tempting to stay for your DD, I don't see how can it be good to her to have a resentful and frustrated mom trapped in a bad marriage.

If even the therapist is throwing the towel, maybe you should too. You as "what would you do", and my answer is: I'd contact an attorney soon, and get out of the marriage. DH should have thought about respecting you earlier. Once you break something beyond repair, it is pointless to hang on to the pieces.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 3:54pm
So are you just tried of fighting for you position, to be heard and to be respected? Have you considered a new therapist for the next part of the process?

Have you read any of these:

Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Have you seen any improvement in his behavior? Have you seen any change in the way you react? Or do you take everything personally?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 6:26pm
Yes... I am tired of fighting for my position... I have finally fought back and for over a year it backfired on me... Just more of the same... Now in the last month or so, he has "maybe" changed his ways... Now I'm mad because it took a year of grief for me and now I feel like it's "too little, too late."

The thought of starting all of this all over again with another therapist is so discouraging... it would take months to "fill the new guy in." I admit, I am closed off and won't open up but I'm just so scared of it starting all over again...

We have read the His Needs, Her Needs and answered more questionairres than I ever want to see again in my life. At first, I was meeting all of his needs... then as time went on, I wasn't. I truly believe that it was "retaliation" because I now started speaking up...

Yes... I have seen improvement in his behavior but I am leary. When he does the slightest thing that bothers me, I blow it all out of proportion because my emotional "bank account" is so overdrawn, I don't know how to get it back to even just -0-... My reactions, you could say, have gotten worse... I have spent so much time fighting back and trying to get him to realize what he is doing to me that I just can't stand it anymore. When "reacting" to him, I have turned into someone that I do not want to be and that scares me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 11:23pm
Thank you for your post and your honesty. Yes, I do sometimes get things out of perspective because I get so upset and angry sometimes. So thank you for helping me clear my head a little...

I will tell you that I have admited not only to my husband but to our marriage counselor that I am just as much to blame as he is... I for not speaking up and he for disregarding me... I know that I am continuing to hurt him and I have no doubt our daughter knows something is not right... I hear you when you tell me that I need to let my guard down and let him in but I have done that so many times over the last year and I just kept getting trampled on and hurt. It is only in the last month or so that I have completely cut myself off and now he finds the "error in his ways..." Why believe him now? How many times do I let him call "wolf"?

Why should I believe this time would be any different than the other times? How do I know he won't just blow me off again? I know you cannot answer those questions and neither can I... It's a decision that I have to make and it will be a hard leap!!

I am just as scared, if not more scared, of the "clean slate" than staying here... That opens a whole new can of worms, no doubt... and I know I will carry the "baggage" around forever... I am one who has always worn her heart on her sleeve... I am very trusting and open up to anyone... I hate to say it, but in today's world, that is very scary...

Here is something else I am struggling with... I feel that I am so far "gone" that all romantic feelings are completely gone... The thought of any kind of physical intimacy is not something that I want or desire at all at this point and, honestly, I can't even imagine it in the future. I feel that I can't even tell him things that are going on at work (and it has been unbelievably stressful lately) because history has proven that it will somehow be used against me. I don't even enjoy... no, I can't even enjoy spending time with him... History has proven that when I do this, I somehow get hurt... How many times do I have to get hurt? I hear everything that you are saying... but how do you know when the breaking point finally comes...

All I want is to love and be loved... Is that too much to ask... Accept me for the person that I am and don't try to change me into someone I am not... We are all unique individuals and have our own special qualities... Sure we all have our faults and no one is perfect... But I need to be accepted for who I am...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 8:20am