What to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
What to do
15
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 4:28pm
So where do I start, I need some advice as I am having trouble coping with this situation. I met my current fiancee on the internet (me in the UK her in Brazil) we had a wonderful relationship which ended in me going to Brazil to meet her. We fell in love and she is now with me.

I found out on Christmas day (when he called her) that about one month prior to me going there she cheated on me with another man. She lied and lied but I eventually got the details and she told me that she even took him to see her mother and lined him up in case I was not what I said I was when we met.

What I find really difficult is that we chatted on the day she did this and she had no trouble lying to me, I am finding trust difficult and feel that I am now second rate. All I can imagine is her having a good time with him while I was sat here telling her how much I loved her and how committed I was to her(she even told me the same while she was getting ready to go out with him as I still had the emails from that day)

Am I over-reacting or should I not trust her and end all this before it gets too involved. I just don't know how to deal with this but its very very painful as I am so committed and love her so much. It has ruined a special and unique start to our relationship as I feel that the four months of talk was based on lies and I don't know what to do.

Help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 4:59pm
Hi Matt!

Pianoguy hates to be the bearor of BAD NEWS...but if your fiancee can lie to you once, she can certainly do this over and over again.

This happened to me with an EX-WIFE! She had a "friend" that she spent time with less than a year after we were married!

Some women apparently have absolutely NO clue about being faithful. The "double standard" and what THEY want is much more important than being loved, spoiled and cared for by only one man. You can do everything to please her, but if her 'mindset' involves 2 or 3 other gentlemen...what you say or do won't mean 'diddly!'

So it all boils down to this:

Do you want a woman who will spend some of her time with you in addition to someone else? Or would you rather find a lady who is 100% faithful and will "forsake all others" on your behalf?

Both types are out there...the choice is yours!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 5:52pm
This is probably not what you are wanting to hear right about now, but I think it would be in your best interest to just drop her butt. How can you trust her after she cheated on you? Not only that, but she tried to justify what she did by saying she did it because she wasn't sure about you. Wouldn't the logical thing have been to discuss what she was feeling with you, and wait to actually meet you in person? I have met people over the internet before, but you can't really get serious if you haven't met the person- everything until then is just a fantasy. All she had to do was talk to you about how she was feeling and take it from there- jumping into someone else's bed was not the right choice. This gal's a cheater, and you have no reason to trust her after this. I think it would be easier to just let it go since the majority of the relationship wasn't reality based, and when faced with the reality of it- you have fallen for a cheater and a liar.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:48am
How can you love this woman when in reality, you have had very little face-to-face time with her?

I learned the hard way that you cannot possibly know whether you love someone having spent so little time with them - what you feel now is great about how the relationship makes YOU FEEL - you are infatuated with the idea of loving this girl, rather than loving the girl herself.

This is what the getting to know you part of a relationship is all about - it allows us to know each other better and find out if we share the same morals and values. While I don't think what she did is so terrible (you hadn't even met in person at this point) it obviously doesn't jive with your personal morals, so I'd save yourself and her future anguish and end this, rather than continue to feel hurt and betrayed.

I'd also suggest that you look for someone a little closer to home - I know first hand that these long distance relationships rarely work and are more grief than they are worth.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 9:59am
Long distance relationships have so much going against them as it is that to add one more large problem just decreases your chances of it working out.

You need to be able to see someone regularly, learn their habits, meet their friends and family, see the way they live and work and engage in 'nonverbal communication' before you can really know if you are compatible.

'she even took him to see her mother and lined him up in case I was not what I said I was when we met. '

There is so much wrong with this statement.

You seem like a nice guy. Why not meet someone who lives close and treats you like you deserve??

Good luck

Gina


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 11:39am


Thanks for all the replies and advice I never expected anyone would care enough to want to help me. Thank you.

Just to clarify we have actually been living together for the last 6 months and everything was great until this. I have never felt so close and loved anyone so much; she is actually the love of my life.

Her argument is that it was before we met and although she wanted it all to be real, the things I was saying to her over the internet sounded too good to be true. Especially since she is used to Brazilian men who will say anything to get sex, and her friends told her she was been naive expecting a long term relationship with me as I lived 6000 miles away. They were telling her I was coming to Brazil for a good time and she should get real.

She says that she fully regrets what she did and it was the worst mistake of her life but how could she know I was real until we actually met. She says from the moment we met she only wanted me for the rest of her life and she is totally committed to me, and she has not acted in any other way since we have been together that makes me disbelieve her.

She said she did not tell me because it meant nothing, she never met or talked to this man again although her keeps trying to contact her, she says it was a stupid mistake that happened when she was actually single, we had never met in person and if she could go back and undo it she would.

She has begged me to forgive her and trust her as she says she wants no one else and is totally devoted to me.

I know this is all true but the fact is I was what I said I was, and this is what hurts.

Thanks

Matt

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 11:53am

unless you had agreed upon an exclusive relationship (and how you could agree to that when you had never even met) i don't realy see what she did so wrong. you were "talking" on the internet, you had never even met in person, and while you may have "liked" each other - neither of you really knew each other. I think that anyone who is internet savvy knows that one of the major problems with "looking for love" on the net is that you NEVER know who that other person is, and most people "talk" to numerous people at the same time. did you and she dicuss "exclusivity" before you met in person?


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 1:56pm
I think the fact that he was flying 6000 miles in a week to meet up with her implies a little bit more than just "liking" each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 2:14pm
I still think its cheating, she does not. I cannot remember if we discussed exclusivity but maybe I was been niave when I thought saying you loved someone meant this.

I said I was coming there and waited for her and expected her to do the same, it would not have been so bad if it was someone she knew before she met me but this was a completely new person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 2:21pm

I understand what you are going through, being cheated on is always a tough thing to go through, and most relationships can't survive it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 1:53pm

ok. see is this is why i don't really get these long distance relationships in general. i just don't understand how you can "fall in love" with someone that you never met in person. but - let's put that aside. i think you need to look at what you have right now.


if i understand you correctly - you don't actually "know" this person. you "met" online four months ago, fell in love, flew out to brazil, moved in together, and got engaged. ok, i probably got some of that in the wrong order, but is that more or less the way it happened?


and NOW, after you met and got engaged, now you are asking yourself - is this the right person for me? so here is what i think ----- in reality, you didn't get a real chance to know each other before you got engaged. so - now that you met her (and for the moment, lets put aside the question of did she cheat on you or not), do you LIKE her? do you RESPECT her? what do you REALLY KNOW about her? what are her work ethics? is she an honest and honorable person? have you met her family and friends? is there is a big age gap? religious gap? etc....


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