What to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
What to do
15
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 4:28pm
So where do I start, I need some advice as I am having trouble coping with this situation. I met my current fiancee on the internet (me in the UK her in Brazil) we had a wonderful relationship which ended in me going to Brazil to meet her. We fell in love and she is now with me.

I found out on Christmas day (when he called her) that about one month prior to me going there she cheated on me with another man. She lied and lied but I eventually got the details and she told me that she even took him to see her mother and lined him up in case I was not what I said I was when we met.

What I find really difficult is that we chatted on the day she did this and she had no trouble lying to me, I am finding trust difficult and feel that I am now second rate. All I can imagine is her having a good time with him while I was sat here telling her how much I loved her and how committed I was to her(she even told me the same while she was getting ready to go out with him as I still had the emails from that day)

Am I over-reacting or should I not trust her and end all this before it gets too involved. I just don't know how to deal with this but its very very painful as I am so committed and love her so much. It has ruined a special and unique start to our relationship as I feel that the four months of talk was based on lies and I don't know what to do.

Help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 4:57am
James: I suppose we all use our personal experiences to give advice to others - but you are doing this poster no favors at all.

Come-on boys, get real! To the OP - you had NEVER EVEN MET this girl! So what if she went out on a date with this guy - did she sleep with him? After she met you, did she sleep with him? Contact him behind your back? Cheat in any way once she had ACTUALLY MET YOU???

This wasn't a committed relationship and the fact that you were telling this girl that you loved her when you'd never even spent any face to face time with her suggests that you are living in fantasy land. How could you possibly love a person you have never met? You can find them attractive, you can love the idea of what they might be like, you can love their words and ideas, but you cannot love someone you've never met - and even once you have met, your feelings are those of being in love with the idea of loving this girl - love comes after the infatuation period has died down, when you see them at their worst and love them still.

You are making a problem where there isn't one. The fact that you are choosing to focus on something that happened before your first meeting is ridiculous - it serves no purpose and you are creating problems in your relationship where there are none. I have to say, if I was your girlfriend and you were giving me this much of a hard time about something as insignificant (in the grand scheme of things) as this, I'd be out of there, as I'd view it as a sign of things to come. Life is too short to make mountains out of molehills and if this is the way you handle one of life's curveballs, how will you behave when something really bad happens?

Honestly, get over it, or if you can't, let this poor girl move on with her life - I can only imagine her trying to prove to you something she shouldn't have to prove - she has done NOTHING wrong and you are behaving like and insecure and immature idiot. Sorry for the kick in the pants, but you need it!

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:49am
Pebbles thanks for the opinion and you are right in many ways.

Yes she slept with him, and on the day this happened she sent me an email saying she never wanted another and was totally comitted to me. This was while she was getting ready to go out with him. This is the bit that hurts me more than anything as what I told her in chat and on the phone was always straight down the line.

She has apologised for this and said that it all sounded too good to be true and that she was not used to men telling the truth (She has always had Brazilian men never an Englishman, not saying that we never lie but you get the idea :-) )

We have had no problems since we met and she is and has been committed and faithful to me, we are working through this and she can see she did wrong in some ways but not in others. It still hurts me that she lied to me but I guess I have to let that go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 8:36am
It sounds as though you are on the right track!

Just remember that for her, you were not real until you met... (and I too would be skeptical until actually meeting) And her sleeping with this other guy before your meeting, is really meaningless stuff, given that since your meeting she has been dedicated and faithful to you.. I don't think you have anything to worry about - and if nothing else, this episode in your relationship will serve to reinforce (to her) how important honesty and fidelity is to you.

Peace & best wishes (from a fellow Brit!) Pebbles

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:05pm

I don't think you *should* let the lie go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: mattjj99
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:34pm
Hi Matti,

You seem like a really lovley guy who wants a committed loving relationship. I dont want to seem like a hypocrite as you read my post, but you should cut loose of this woman. I think that even if you did stay with her the long distance would never work because you will always be wondering what she is up to when you aren't with her. It will turn you in to a paranoid obsessive person ( believe me i know). This person is also not worth your time because she tryed to make her infedility your fault by saying She "lined him up in case I was not what I said I was when we met."

I agree that She should have been more open with her feelings, it seems like she isnt taking this as seriously as you and maybe isnt even thinking of it as a relationship. I dont think that this person has any concept of love, it seems like she is on a man search to please her mother! Matti she dosnt deserve you, i recomend a night down the Pub with the mates ;o)

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