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|Fri, 10-26-2012 - 9:41am|
My partner and I have been dating for 4 and 1/2 years. We are both divorced she about 11 years and me 8 years. We are both early 50s and live in seperate homes me with my 22 year old daughter and she with her 14 year old. We speak every day and would generally see each other 3 or 4 times per week. We are very much in love but right this moment we are in a difficult place and this is the 3rd time this year.
Last weekend we were away with her family (she has other adult kids who are at university) and friends. Everyone had a great day/evening but when we got back to our hotel room she got really angry with me. After initally arguing briefly we went to bed and and I got very remorseful as I had been selfish that evening and she remained very cross. Neither of us slept all night as she lay there angry and I lay there wretched and guilty. We spoke again only briefly during the night and I expressed my profound regret at my selfishness ( she had indicated some time before that she wanted to go straight home from the restaurant but when out I and some of the other men decided we should look for a night cap so we all ended up wandering around a bit before going home - so my selfishness was firstly forgetting her plan for the night and secondly not checking with her what she wanted as the night went on. So she had every right to be cross with me).
So now 6 days later we are both home again and have spoken on the phome but the normal sleep overs and time together have been cancelled. What is getting to me is that the subject now and once again is are we compatible, should we continue seeing each other. And that's the way it tends to go she gets incredibly cross with me over something, the anger lasts and lots of other things I do or don't do become reframed and included to reinforce her perspective on my poor behaviour (though these were not things that were a problem when they arose or weren't brought to my attention) then its She's not sure about this realitionship and we need some space - prior to us making it up again. And the problem for me isn't so much that she gets so terribly angry but that the intense anger lasts and then its I love you but I am not sure we are right for each other and meantime I have a week of sleepless heatbroken nights.
I know I am a bit odd and can be arrogrant and selfish but I do try to change and lots of the friends I had and things I woudl have done when we first met I no longer do. She is a fantastic strong beautiful woman and we so comfortable together in so many ways and enjoy doing lots of thing together. I love her very much and we have discussed that when her daughter is old enough to leave the family home that she and I would set up our own home together. I so want to make a go of this. After my marriage split up I didn't date anyone for about 3 years as I just wanted to make a life for myself without the complications of a relationship. Now I don't want to loose her and can't imagine being with anyone else or starting all that dating stuff again.
My issue or the one that I woudl apprecitate the perspectives of you good people on is do I now say to her that I can't go on like this because the fear that she will dump me one day is eating me up and I also feel that I am loosing myself in the process i.e. I would almost do anything to keep her regardless of the cost to me. And I don't want to end it now but just that I feel very vulnerable and disempowered - but if I say this then she may decide to end it now or following a future row. It has been me very much who has sought the committed realtionship and she has tended to be protective about her world and the risk of a new man to it. She is very loving woman and when its good its so beautiful (though I know I find myself watchin what i say). She said last night that she doesn't want to destroy me and thats why she needs to reflect on if we should continue ....but the thing that is destroyng me is her reflections and all this uncertainty.
There's much more I could write to explain things more but thats the gist of if. I would really like some alternative perspectives to help me consider what I should say to her when next we do meet to talk.
Appreciate you taking the time to respond