What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2012
What to do?
8
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 11:23pm

So I have been seeing this guy for almost 3 years.  We love spending time with eachother and I still get nervous but excited to see him, just like when we first starting seeing eachother. I should mention that we work with eachother so we just have to be very careful about keeping things at work very separate from our personal life.  He recently had this girl that we used to work with start trying to get to know him better and I have always known, being a girl and being a girl that is crazy about this guy that this new girl likes him.  So he had invited herto a party at his house a while ago and I saw pictures on Facebook and was a little upset with him that he hadn't really mentioned that she was coming over and he told me that it didn't mean anything and he would of course never do that again.  He said that he couldnt control who liked him and I told him that I didnt want to tell him who to be friends with because that would just make it ackward and I would never do that to him.  We have an understanding with eachother that we can have our social lives with our friends but that when it comes to being together and all that comes with it (sex) that its just me for him and him for me.  We talked a long time ago about what we wanted and he told me that as much as he wants me to be his girlfriend that he can't make that commitment until we dont work directly with eachother. But then at the end of the conversation he saw how terrible I looked and felt and told me that we would figure it out.  He always told me that communication is the biggest thing that he is not the greatest at in a relationship and I am the girl that hates talking about feelings but he has recently been making comments to me to make me believe that we do need to have that conversation about where we are going.  For example he slept over my house the other night and had made a comment that I told my roomie that he is just my friend and its weird that he would sleep over if he was just a friend (shes a new roomate that just moved in),  I told him that I didnt tell her my life story but that she knows the situation with us and how much I love and adore him, how much he means to me and she knows that he is way more than a friend.  I guess I am insecure with this girl that likes him as I just say her friend like 4 of his friends on Facebook and I feel like since we work together that I really cant be friends on FB with those same people that I know because of the situation and how cautious we are with everything.  I do know that he told this girl that he didnt have a girlfriend but then again, he was limiting the informaton that he was giving to her based on the fact of our work relationship.  I should also mention that he cheated on his ex with me and I guess I always think that maybe he is bored and might find something better.  I just love him so much and he has been such an amazing person with me I couldn't imagine not having him in my life.  I really need to know how to approach this with him and how to know that I am the only one with him.  We talk pretty much everyday, sometimes I text him and he doesnt get back to me but I think that is just a guy thing in general. Help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 9:45am

Hi, Wondering. It sucks to be stuck in a situation whose circumstances make it even more complicated than the people involved. I'm assuming that fraternizing among employees is frowned upon there, hence your top-secret behavior. So, eight hours of your daily lives have to be spent under the guise of a platonic relationship. Tell me, do you communicate with him much at all during the work day? Do you bump into each other, exchange pleasantries or have you taken to avoiding each other like the plague to over compensate for what's going on in your private lives? And why is it that this other girl feels comfortable pursuing him in that environment and isn't making any effort to hide her feelings? I feel like after three long years, you should be more confident about your relationship. Wait a second - three...long...years. You two have been in hiding for three years. He doesn't refer to you as his girlfriend. And you still question his devotion to you. And sometimes you text him and he doesn't get back to you. And he invited this girl (co-worker) to his house knowing how she feels about him and how it would make you feel. I realize I'm only focusing on the negative here, but I don't think you'd be seeking advice if you didn't realize just how negative some of this stuff is. The question is, are you happy? Does this relationship provide you with all that you need emotionally? Or are you just settling for what you've grown used to? Is he worth another three years of your life? And, BTW, I am not judging, I'm actually relating. I've been dating a guy for 4 months and as hot and heavy as it is at times, I know he's incapable of the deeper emotional bond I require. Regardless of the fact that he's recently begun telling me he loves me. I finally introduced my son to him last weekend. And this past weekend, we spent our first three full uninterrupted days together, making love, cooking, eating, relaxing. And yesterday, for the first time in 4 months, not one single text from him all day long - he always texts me first and usually a few times a day. Finally at 8 PM, I get one stating that he was really busy all day and sorry for not texting but he loves me. Really? You were so busy for 13 hours straight that you couldn't spare 20 seconds to send an "I'm busy but thinking of you" text? Needless to say I didn't respond to that text or the next one or answer either of his two phone calls. Some guys think they start telling you they love you or whisper other sweet things in your ear and that's like a license to insult your intelligence and start neglecting you. Because some girls are dumb enough to let them do it. Don't be one of those girls. You sound sweet, intelligent and thoughtful. And you deserve the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 9:50am

oops, just realized she is a former co-worker. So, please disregard my question concerning her behavior at the office, lol. Good luck with all of this. I hope whatever decision you make leads you to your happiness.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 10:17am

Wondering29 wrote:
<p>So I have been seeing this guy for almost 3 years.  We love spending time with eachother and I still get nervous but excited to see him, just like when we first starting seeing eachother. I should mention that we work with eachother so we just have to be very careful about keeping things at work very separate from our personal life.  He recently had this girl that we used to work with start trying to get to know him better and I have always known, being a girl and being a girl that is crazy about this guy that this new girl likes him.  So he had invited herto a party at his house a while ago and I saw pictures on Facebook and was a little upset with him that he hadn't really mentioned that she was coming over and he told me that it didn't mean anything and he would of course never do that again.  He said that he couldnt control who liked him and I told him that I didnt want to tell him who to be friends with because that would just make it ackward and I would never do that to him.  We have an understanding with eachother that we can have our social lives with our friends but that when it comes to being together and all that comes with it (sex) that its just me for him and him for me.  We talked a long time ago about what we wanted and he told me that as much as he wants me to be his girlfriend that he can't make that commitment until we dont work directly with eachother. But then at the end of the conversation he saw how terrible I looked and felt and told me that we would figure it out.  He always told me that communication is the biggest thing that he is not the greatest at in a relationship and I am the girl that hates talking about feelings but he has recently been making comments to me to make me believe that we do need to have that conversation about where we are going.  For example he slept over my house the other night and had made a comment that I told my roomie that he is just my friend and its weird that he would sleep over if he was just a friend (shes a new roomate that just moved in),  I told him that I didnt tell her my life story but that she knows the situation with us and how much I love and adore him, how much he means to me and she knows that he is way more than a friend.  I guess I am insecure with this girl that likes him as I just say her friend like 4 of his friends on Facebook and I feel like since we work together that I really cant be friends on FB with those same people that I know because of the situation and how cautious we are with everything.  I do know that he told this girl that he didnt have a girlfriend but then again, he was limiting the informaton that he was giving to her based on the fact of our work relationship. **** I should also mention that he cheated on his ex with me and I guess I always think that maybe he is bored and might find something better.***  I just love him so much and he has been such an amazing person with me I couldn't imagine not having him in my life.  I really need to know how to approach this with him and how to know that I am the only one with him.  We talk pretty much everyday, sometimes I text him and he doesnt get back to me but I think that is just a guy thing in general. Help!!</p>

He's a serial cheater.   I'm sure his ex was just as beside herself as you find yourself right about now.

That tale about your roommate telling him that you said he was just a friend is completely suspicious to me.  Why on earth would she step to him like that? It sounds to me as if he is fishing for a way to keep you at bay and he is using someone who has no bearing whatsoever on your relationship to do his heavy lifting by planting doubt in your mind and keeping you off balance.  It sounds like bald-faced manipulation to me.

He has a mouth; every human understands the meaning of the word "no" by that age of 18 months. It's just as easy to tell any other chick "no, I'm with someone and I care a lot for her" as it is to tell them "yeah, babe... oh her? ...she's  just a friend.."

In the absense of therapy, what they did to get with you, they'll do to you while with you.  Anyone who would cheat on their partner instead of breaking up first and then moving on and who has not taken any time to figure out why they took that selfish tack cannot be counted on to understand the importance of fidelity until they do figure that little thing out.

What is your company's policy about workplace romances?  Many companies do not like it and could be grounds for dismissal.  Your dilemma is in deciding what is more important: your job/income/money stream or this guy?  Is he worth you being fired for flaunting company policy?  Is he the type of man who will stand by you and help you out, financially, if you should lose your job because some busy-body there figured out what was going on with you two and took it to management?  If not, then you need to ease up off this.  If your company has no policy about workplace romances, then he is dishonestly using your workplace as his cover  and excuse to not formally declare for you so that other chicks stop chasing him.  And he's letting them chase him all the while knowing that he's trying to have whatever it is he has with you. 

Also, if your job has policy against workplace romances, this other chick chasing him, in and of itself, is not your biggest problem: your biggest problem is that she, depending upon how badly she wants him and how dirty she is willing to play to get him, being that she is no longer  with the company and therefore has nothing to lose, can drop a dime on you to the company at any time and seriously bomb your means of supporting yourself.  Yeah, he may lose his job, too--then again, depending upon both of your positions, it may be you who is let go for cause.

The way to approach this is to step back from him until he makes a public declaration for you.  He is not demonstrating trustworthiness in any way, shape or form.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 6:53pm

You are being played, that's just the jist of it.

You have been involved with this guy for 3 years, and work somewhere that has a strict no fraternization rule, from what you have shared.

If this relationship was going anywhere, you two either would have gotten married by now, OR both of you would have looked at alternatives in order to make the relationship a priority.

Instead, you are both on the "hush hush" still, working the same job and in no way progressing with the relationship.

My DH works in an industry where fraternization is a BIG NO NO.  Out of the relationships that have evolved, a majority of them either ended up married because that was the next obvious step, which then voided the fraternization rule.  Or one of the partners in the relationship would seek employment elsewhere in order to maintain the relationship.

Your BF then invites another woman over to his house, informs her that he is single, and dismisses your concerns.  And then confronts you over a comment you never made. 

AND he cheated on his previous relationship with you......

He has it all figured out.

He can go about as he pleases, openly being "single" but has a sure thing on the side, and has your employer as the reason to keep the relationship on the down low.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 3:51pm

Three years and he still won't call you his 'girlfriend'?   Hon, he's so not into you.  You're nothing more than Friends with Benefits to him.

Honestly, if a guy really likes a girl, he'll do all he can to make her his own.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2012
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 10:29pm

So we do talk during the day at work, so its not like we are avoiding eachother like the plague or anything.  We've actually gotten a lot more comfortable being at work together in the relationship that we have going on.You know I am happy with us.  He is such an amazing guy and has done some very sweet things for me, however, I guess the easiest way to explain it is that we keep getting closer and closer and I find myself wanting more and more.  For example, when we first started talking I would hardly ever call him. 3 years later, we talk at work (obviously) and on the phone or texting or something to that nature pretty much every night.  But I still want more, Now that we talk everyday I look at it like I want him to try and call me more insted of it being me. We got into a conversation one time and he told me straight out that he sucks at communication when he's with a girl and sharing his feelings and I feel like when he is with me, its freaking awesome.  He is great with body language and is always holding my hand and sweet things like that.  However I have straight out told him that I love him and his reaction is "wow." One time I actually really thought he was going to say it to me but then chickened out and said something else but it was totally right there. I dont want him to just tell me he loves me because he feels like he has to and I told him that.  That I want him to tell me because that is how he feels.  Maybe I just need to have a conversation with him where I just make it very clear of what I want and expect out of him and how he majes me feel and give him the opportunity to tell me his feelings as well.  Its just frustrating honestly because I think if he told me in words his feelings it would make me feel 100% more confident with this girl that is infactuated with him.  We have talked about her and he told me that he would never do anything to hurt me but that he can't help who likes him and I know she was talking to a mutual friend of ours and told her that he hadn't called or text her back and that she asked him out on FB (yes I feel like I am 14 again lol) and he never responded back.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: khatru1
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 12:10pm

I am wondering if you even read any of the responses to your original post? He didn't tell you that he loves you because he doesn't. He never will. He is playing you. You are in a Friends With Benefits relationship. Sounds like the only reason you talk every night is because you call him, he doesn't call you. If a guy really wants a woman he will make every effort to be in her life. He does the bare minimum of what will keep you on the hook.

If you are looking for a real long term relaitonship, it is not ever going to happen with this guy. I don't know any other way to say it.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: Kendahke1
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 4:09pm

Wondering29 wrote:
<p>So we do talk during the day at work, so its not like we are avoiding eachother like the plague or anything.  We've actually gotten a lot more comfortable being at work together in the relationship that we have going on.You know I am happy with us.  He is such an amazing guy and has done some very sweet things for me, however, I guess the easiest way to explain it is that we keep getting closer and closer and I find myself wanting more and more.  For example, when we first started talking I would hardly ever call him. 3 years later, we talk at work (obviously) and on the phone or texting or something to that nature pretty much every night.  But I still want more, Now that we talk everyday I look at it like I want him to try and call me more insted of it being me. We got into a conversation one time and he told me straight out that he sucks at communication when he's with a girl and sharing his feelings and I feel like when he is with me, its freaking awesome.  He is great with body language and is always holding my hand and sweet things like that.  However I have straight out told him that I love him and his reaction is "wow." One time I actually really thought he was going to say it to me but then chickened out and said something else but it was totally right there. I dont want him to just tell me he loves me because he feels like he has to and I told him that.  That I want him to tell me because that is how he feels.  Maybe I just need to have a conversation with him where I just make it very clear of what I want and expect out of him and how he majes me feel and give him the opportunity to tell me his feelings as well.  Its just frustrating honestly because I think if he told me in words his feelings it would make me feel 100% more confident with this girl that is infactuated with him.  We have talked about her and he told me that he would never do anything to hurt me but that he can't help who likes him and I know she was talking to a mutual friend of ours and told her that he hadn't called or text her back and that she asked him out on FB (yes I feel like I am 14 again lol) and he never responded back.</p>

Want to know what he thinks and feels about you? Get busy with your own life to the point where it consumes all of your free time.  when he asks you what's up, that is when you tell him what you need and expect from him and if he;'s inclined to be who you need for him to be, then he'll throw in with you.  If not, then you will know to drop him off at the mall and keep going.

Here's the thing: he already knows how you feel--you've already told him. He hasn't forgotten.  He just refuses to act on it.

I tend to agree with Khatru1--he's giving you just enough to keep you around, but he won't thrown in totally with you.  Everytime he sees/talks with you, he has the opportunity to tell you how he feels about you yet he takes a pass on it. He didn't tell you he loved you because that is not how he feels. Sure he may like and care a lot about you, but that's not what you're after.  A man who loves you lets you and everyone else in his world know how he feels.  He doesn't behave in a way where other women feel they have a chance with him.

He's right in the sense that he can't help who likes him, but he can also make very clear to this woman that she's wasting her time and to leave him alone. That hasn't happened, and probably won't.  He enjoys the attention, so why would he tell her to stop?  Ignoring a publicly placed invite on FB is not the same as replying publicly with "no thank you.. I'm seeing Wondering29" so that you and every other chick knows where he stands. That hasn't happened.