What to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
What to do
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 9:28am

I feel that my issues relates to many of the boards, but I thought that writing it out here would be a good start.  My boyfriend, now ex, just broke up with me again last week.  We've been together for 4 years and on and off the last two years.  

In short, we met, things went well; then he started telling me that I was not speaking up enough and that I held back.  I felt that I spoke my mind.  After this began a long strong of him cheating and saying that he did it because he could not control himself in those situations.  He likes provocative women and clearly I was too wholesome (his words) for him.  

I stayed because I loved him but also that after each time he cheated, he always came back and said that he loved me, that he wanted to make things better.  Now, looking back I feel that I lost myself in an unhealthy relationship that was not loving but manipulative.  We were not in an open relationship and I found out about the cheating because his phone would be off at night or the next morning or he did not come home when we lived together.  I just kept thinking that things would get better and that we could work on our problems.  He proposed last year and I said no that I wanted to think about it because a few months before the proposal I found condoms in his pocket.  So for me while it was nice that he proposed I did not believe that his cheating was done.  We worked past that issue and stayed together.  I believed that he was trying to improve and he was still open to being with me after I declined his proposal.  

A year later around my birthday I put his phone on the charger and saw a message that he was on plenty of fish.  A week later I was looking at an ipod he gave me (one of his old ones) and discovered porn movies he made with other women in the bed we used to share.

That was finally rock bottom for me.  I felt used, disrespected, just horrible.  What happened next is a surprise to me, he went from giving me space to wanting to work on things to saying that I was not sexually challenging him and that if I was more seductive that he would not work late and would be more eager to see me on time.  He's always late.  

So my question to this board is if anyone has experienced something similar where their man cheated and said that it happened because they were not satisfied at home.  I'm confused because in the beginning he said that he could not control himself, he thought he was a sex addict.  And now I feel that he's flipping the script by saying that I did not sexually satisfy him.  I understand that some jabs have truth behind it.  But for me I would have been so much more open to his wants if he said it before he cheated.

Now I don't see why he's not considering my feelings since I saw his home made porn movies on his ipad with other women and its like he wants me to sexually stimulate him while I feel more betrayed than ever.  I feel that I am to blame because I let it last this long.  My feelings changed each time he cheated and pushed me further away from being a better person in the relationship.

Overall, I feel like a loser who is too wholesome as he says and wonder if I will have the same problem with another guy or if I am so down on myself after being in a horrible situation for too long that severly affected my confidence and self esteem.

Help, opinions appreciated.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
In reply to: sbscp
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 11:01am

You are who you are, he is who he is, the two of you do not belong together.  If you were in a healthy relationshp, your partner would make you feel great about yourself, and would accept you for who you are.  Alternatively, your partner would, in a loving way, work with you through any issues you were having.  That this man used manipulation to put the blame on you for his liaisons tells me a lot about him.  It says that he does not care at all for you and your feelings.  Unfortunately, you have been in this situation for so long, that I can see how you would start thinking there was something wrong with you that he would do these things.  I will tell you that this is NOT your fault, not by any means.  The faster you can get away from this man, and find yourself again (perhaps counseling would help out there), the sooner you will realize that you were just a pawn in his game. 

25 of every 100 people are sociopaths, or fall somewhere in the sociopathic spectrum, from the postings I've read on this board, it's obvious that is very true.  So many women fall for these charming men who in fact have no emotion behind their words, and will do whatever they want, knowing they can get way with it.  They get away with it because the rest of society finds it so difficult to believe or understand how someone could be so cruel, so lacking in conscience.  I highly recommend you read the book, "The Sociopath Next Door", it's a real eye opener.  There is no curing a sociopath, they don't want help, they just want to lead their lives as they see fit, and could care less about the devistation they leave in their wake. 

This will not be easy, but just like anything you can only take one day at a time.  Reach out to your family and friends, take on a new hobby or other interest to get yourself moving in a healthy direction.  Do not dwell on what you could have done differently to make the relationship work, it takes two, and in reality, you were the only one invested in the relationship.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
In reply to: sbscp
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 12:32pm

Thank you for your feedback! I will definitely check out that book. By the way you describe the content, I am sure that I will find it very insightful.

I am going to see a counselor next week. I had seen one before because of him and sought her out again to discuss the most recent issues but also why I stayed for so long and I can avoid that type of relationship in the future. I think my big issue is that I am too nice and gave him leeway instead of standing firm in my values and walking away when I should have. I put a lot of trust and responsibility on him since I am in a new area where I did not have friends and family when I moved here and had to build my network all over again. Either way, its time that I break the cycle and not go bananas over this when I have too many positive things to focus my attention towards.

I agree with you that if I am away from him completely, that I can work on my confidence and self esteem. I have a few friends that I can talk to about this, but I am now realizing that I lost some friendships because of him. Going though these problems over time kept some friends from reaching out to me. So overall, I will be thankful for the friendships I have left and work on myself to be healthier.