What to do? Confusing Relationship.
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What to do? Confusing Relationship.
| Sun, 03-18-2007 - 5:20pm |
I began dating someone from my past about 4 months ago. Naturally we have both changed although the memories of our previous relationship are there. We have both had complex lives, with disappointing marriages and many losses. We have had several conversations about what this relationship can be. He says he is emotionally used up and wants friendship. That when (or if) we become intimate he does not want to disappoint me, but that I should not get my hopes up. He also says sex is just not that important to him, and that other women he dated were interested only in sex. I responded that I too wanted a companion but eventually that would not be enough, that I liked sex and felt it was important.
At first I flirted, we cuddled and kissed, but after several of the "relationship status conversations" I began to feel very uncomfortable about making overtures, feeling he was just going along. I now feel very frustrated, since many times there is nothing but a brief hug at the end of an evening. Recently I have excused myself early on several occasions because I felt so rejected.
He travels extensively and has a tiring schedule, but he calls daily when he is away and wants to go out to dinner, movies etc. every night that he is home. He also makes comments that indicate that he expects the relationship to endure, for example "next year...".
I have tried to "be myself" and initiate romantic encounters, but after 4 months I have become uptight and self-concious and it is whittling away at my self esteem.
I think my question is how long should I be patient? Should I just settle for a platonic situation for the time being, or continue to try to interest him in romance? Isn't there a point when it will be impossible to venture beyond friendship because of the boundaries created? It just doesn't seem to be progressing normally and I don't know if (or when) I should throw in the towel.
At first I flirted, we cuddled and kissed, but after several of the "relationship status conversations" I began to feel very uncomfortable about making overtures, feeling he was just going along. I now feel very frustrated, since many times there is nothing but a brief hug at the end of an evening. Recently I have excused myself early on several occasions because I felt so rejected.
He travels extensively and has a tiring schedule, but he calls daily when he is away and wants to go out to dinner, movies etc. every night that he is home. He also makes comments that indicate that he expects the relationship to endure, for example "next year...".
I have tried to "be myself" and initiate romantic encounters, but after 4 months I have become uptight and self-concious and it is whittling away at my self esteem.
I think my question is how long should I be patient? Should I just settle for a platonic situation for the time being, or continue to try to interest him in romance? Isn't there a point when it will be impossible to venture beyond friendship because of the boundaries created? It just doesn't seem to be progressing normally and I don't know if (or when) I should throw in the towel.

This man isn't interested in sex. I know you heard him say this to you, I'm not sure you really *listened* to him. If a guy tells you something like this, you must believe him. He's not interested in seducing or being seduced and probably is only going along with your physical affection so as not to offend you. I think your gut instinct is right on the money.
Please don't let this affect your self esteem. It's not like he's been lying to you about how he feels. This isn't about you - he'd likely be the same with any woman right now.
If you are happy with a relationship that does not have a physical aspect, then stay with him. But if sex and physical affection are important to you, he's not your guy.
Hi fp-madkitty and welcome to the board.
I agree with the advice you have already been given. He's told you he's not looking for physical intimacy.
Why not listen to his words and take them for what they are?
'He says he is emotionally used up and wants friendship. That when (or if) we become intimate he does not want to disappoint me, but that I should not get my hopes up. He also says sex is just not that important to him'
So why turn that into waiting for him to want sex when clearly you don't know if or when that will happen. Why wait for intense romance when he told you clearly that he wants friendship?
Don't try to turn this into something you want it to be. You are only making yourself frustrated.