what to do? did i screw up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
what to do? did i screw up?
3
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 1:52am
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I started seeing this guy back in February. Everything was going great...the sex was incredible, the conversations stimulating and he even helped me create a database for my work. He ended up going on a business trip and didn't tell me about it until two days before he was leaving. We were together the night before he left and we had a fantastic time. He emailed me when he was able to get to a computer the following day after he had left and told me he would email as much as he could and that he had forgot his charger so his phone was dying. Well, I assumed he was going to another region and I found out he was in Las Vegas.(he never did tell me exactly the location of the trip). I got a little upset and inehibriated and wrote him this email basically accusing him of not being upfront and honest and that I had really started to have sincere feelings for him and that it hurt me to say goodbye just like that. He never responded to that email and we really didn't get to see each other when he returned. He had left to visit his brother a few days after returning from his business trip and then I had to leave on a business trip the day after he returned from his family trip. When I returned, he ended up going back east to see the final four games. However, on my business trip he did text me saying he did receive the email and we would discuss it later. WE left it at that...when he returned from the final four I went to visit him and take him some clothing he had asked for me to get him while he was gone (novelty shirts that were limited stocked). When I saw him he hugged me but no kiss. Conversation was light and at ease. He never brought up the email issue. Well a couple of days went by and I told him that we needed to talk...basically about the email. He was abit unnerved about the whole "we need to talk" approach...he said that it usually means that something bad is going to happen. Anyways, we met and I apologized for the email and that I should have never written it, but rather have discussed it with him in person...because there are things that need to be said in persom. He was shocked that I apologized..."the first one to ever say I'm sorry, but actually explaining why, and that is very impressive". I told him that I do love his companionship, love the way he makes me feel, but I'm not in love with him because I hardly know him (but it seems like I completely do!!). He told me he was angry when he read the email, but then when he really thought about it he knew why I had done it and he understood. See, I knew from the very beginning that he didn't want a committment and neither did I (currently separated, but wasn't when we met...it was on the verge) but it/we were evolving (that's the word he used) to that and we didn't even see it happening. He said that he wanted to remain friends because he does like to talk with me and do things with me, but he doesn't want to have sex anymore...or atleast not in the meantime. I told him that I wanted to have the friends with benefits thing, but he didn't think that would work because of previous experiences. I told him that it would be hard for me to be just a friend without being sexually attracted to him and that it wouldn't work out. Well, the next day I text him saying that I would rather have him just as a friend than nothing at all, and seriously asked him if we would be okay..his reply,"Yes, I think we will be okay. We have alot going on right now, and that is going to help out". We text and email occasionally now, but I'm afraid to ask him to go and do something, i.e.; go to the movies, hang out. However, he did say that he would help me with the database if I needed help....that's how this whole relationship started was around the database. Did I screw this up? I really care for the guy and want to be with him....I may just be actualy falling in love him. Any advice as to how to rekindle this relationship or is it unsalvagable? I do apologize...it wasn't very brief...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:54am

Welcome to the board leticia1212,


Since he wants to be friends right now, that is what you are going to have to do. I think you should give it some time before trying to have a relationship because he made it clear he doesn't want a relationship right now. If that is really too hard for you to do, than do what you can handle.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 6:46pm

Thank you, I'm glad to be here!

Thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate it. I thought about this situation since I've posted it, and I totally agree. If he wants to be friends, then friends we shall be. Yes, it will be hard, but I think by keeping it platonic with no real interfacing face to face (emails, texts) will help me somewhat get over my feelings for him. I think and honestly feel I should put my energy on finalizing my divorce before initiating any type of relationship with anyone! Do you think that maybe that's what he is waiting for is for me to get my divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 11:31am
It is possible that he is waiting for your divorce to be finalized. I think a lot of people get uneasy about dating someone whose divorce isn't finalized because because there is always the chance of them getting back together and a lot stress involved.

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