what do the experts say...will this work

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
what do the experts say...will this work
8
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:21pm
okay, i've been married 5yrs now. we have 1 5yr old together and i have 4 (ages 18 down to 11)from previous'. we have been fighting tremendously for at least a month now. they usually start with him critisizing, condemning, or complaining about what they do or don't do, how they do it, or when they do it. he says i instantly defend them. which is probably true-but he sees it that way every time. sometimes i'm just giving my perspective-he complains they don't rinse out there dishes-but neither does he. he complains that they are lazy, but he does almost no housework-and on his job he frequently leaves and comes home to watch tv in the middle of the day on the clock. all he does is bi*** and complain about other people. i asked him recently what it was that he hated about himself that he wants to make everybody else so miserable? that went over like a fart in church! anyway, i have told him that i cannot live with this much stress and aggravation-i'm ready to give up trying. so he tamed it down for a couple days. this morning he commented that i need to get on the kids about not rinsing their dishes- i commented that we were running late this morning to be to school on time. he accused me of defending them. i didn't see it that way-i was not excusing just explaining why they were probably not rinsed. another arguement that escalated to him saying all i do is defend MY kids-and then he went on to argue that if i wouldn't instantly defend them...wec would get along. anyway he says he won't never say another word to my kids, do anything for them at all, etc. will this work or not? my gut says no, but just curious. i know it makes me feel then why are we together-if he's going to block my kids out completely. how can we survive if he treats my kids as if they don't exist? how else can we solve the battle over him being too critical (complaining about EVERYTHING) and me trying to get him to see that it's what he says it it's how he says it(mean, nasty, demeaning, name calling) all i want is for him to not attack in a negative fashion and quit harping on the small stuff and all he wants is for me to quit instantly defending--but the arguements always take on a life of their own and move to him attacking me? is a divorce inevitable? will him withdrawing help or make it worse?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:46pm
Heads up - cohabitation is impactive.

There is no way for those kids and him to live in the same house, or for all of them to be in your life - and all of them not be impacted by the liason.

Quite likely.......he's always resented the kids, gripped about the kids, and they were younger, you protected them, you were able t control them and their impact on him...and now that they're older you can't - and he's now takign the position he always has - only you can't get in between them prior to them upsetting him and smoothing things over.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:58pm
Has he been hypercritical of your kids for the entire 5 years of your marriage or has it been mostly over the last month? That wasn't clear from your post. In any event, one thing that occurred to me was that this isn't really about the kids behavior and your defending them. It sounds to me that you have issues with him, for example that he doesn't help with the household chores, and he has issues with you (I've no clue about what they are) and that you're both using the kids as an escape valve for your mutual anger. Marriage counseling is in order here, regardless of the reason for your mutual animosity. It's not fair to the kids to be caught in the middle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 4:44pm
he was okay with how i do things the first yr. then we had our own child-his only child-which she is actually 4-i just mistyped- my way of doing things (usually to look at the overall picture of things- i'm not a black or white person like him-there are grey areas or i don't see the point in bitchin them out cause they didn't hang the towel up when they did all got all their homework done, worked for 1 hr on a project-and did their household chore, is it worth 1 15 min lecture to each kid about everything they don't do right, properly or timely for every single incident for each kid-everyday all day) i don't parent that way. it has been a real challenge to hold this marriage together. as far as his issues with me. i am too suspious minded. when i had 2 jobs i worked too much and he wanted me to quit one. i got layed off from one job decided to not get another second job-now he i'm lazy. i talk to him and let him know how i feel he finds something to blame me for. i clam up and try not to let it hurt i'm too distant. i can't get much of anything right. the list never ends. he's just rarely happy. as far us using the kids--i don't know that i feel that. i am just so tired of putting up with his bs. the kids don't deserve to be talked to like he does and they should do things right the first time. in the mean time i can't take the constant friction and aggravation from both ends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 6:05pm
Okay, my opinion hasn't changed. The problem is with you and your husband. It sounds like you have serious communication and anger issues, in addition to poor conflict resolution skills. That doesn't mean his behavior towards the kids is appropriate - not at all. But his criticism of the kids is no different from his criticism of you. You're just focusing on that alone and even if he ignores the kids, nothing will really change. You certainly know that the kids don't deserve this, and you try to protect them. But you can't really protect them from the emotional damage they receive daily due to the problems between you and your husband that have nothing to do with them. Insist on marriage counseling. If he won't go, then really think about what your kids are learning from all this. Children learn what they live - you know that. Individual counseling will also help you, but he needs to want to make your marriage work if there's to be any hope of it. If he refuses counseling then do the right thing for the kids even that means separating from him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 2:49pm
Alrighty then! After reading the replies, I went to him last night for another attempt to reconcile our differences. Thanks to all who responded.......Getting an outside perspective sure helped me. He and I talked and agreed on some things.

1) Our communication skills suck! We hear the words correctly but interpret them differently. Example: He says-wanna watch a movie? I say-I don't care. He interprets that I don't care (want to). What I meant was it doesn't matter.

2) We don't fight fair. We both bring up yesterdays and last weeks hurts. And I have a hard time being wrong. We both defend our positions with vigor.

3) I admit that I sometimes defend the kids and make excuses for them when they need to accept responsibility for their own decisions or lack there of. He admits that we can all do without the belittling, name calling, or just trying to use guilt or blame to get someone to act a certain way.

I go into an instant defense when I feel that he is too harsh with words or being too black/white. He needs to allow a little grey now and then, and I need to let certain things be black or white.

Where do we go from here? We cannot afford counseling at this time, but are a little lost as to how to get where we each need to be. We also both agree that learning to act differently than we have in the past is a lot easier said than done or that it's not an over night change.

So I come back to ask your help again. Can anyone recommend a few books to get us started or maybe a website that will help guide us into making these changes? I used to love to read and know if I go into a bookstore I will spend countless hours and who knows how much money vs a list in hand---get-in get-out method.

I will step out on a limb here and say that (before I met my DH) I spent seven long agonizing (but healing) yrs in counseling (and reading every book I could get my hands on) and have dealt with quite a bit from childhood (apparantly I still have a long way to go). He has never been to counseling or picked up a book on any subject other than sci-fi.

So are we like co-dependant, just a couple with communication issues, what? I don't know where to start. I can tell the symptoms, but don't know if it's a cold or cancer. I really don't want to continue being the defender any more than he wants to continue being the attacker. We both want to take responsibility for our own crap!

Again thanks for the outside perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 3:34pm
You and your husband deserve a big pat on the back for opening this dialoque, listening to each other, and taking responsibility for each of your failings. That's a huge positive step in the right direction. Check out drphil.com. I think Dr. Phil has a relationship rescue workbook that you can buy online (I'm not sure it might be free) that helps couples improve their communication and conflict resolution skills. It's funny, I was watching Dr. Phil last night and thought of you. He was counseling a couple where the husband was hypercritical of his wife and kids. You can read that transcript on his website too. Best wishes to the both of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 10:43pm
Thank you and I _will_ check it out.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 11:16am
I'd suggest John Gottman's books, particularly "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (or something like that). His work is very research-based and I think that appeals to a lot of men. Plus, the ideas and suggestions he's come up with based on his research make sense!

Sheri