what do the experts say...will this work
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what do the experts say...will this work
| Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:21pm |
okay, i've been married 5yrs now. we have 1 5yr old together and i have 4 (ages 18 down to 11)from previous'. we have been fighting tremendously for at least a month now. they usually start with him critisizing, condemning, or complaining about what they do or don't do, how they do it, or when they do it. he says i instantly defend them. which is probably true-but he sees it that way every time. sometimes i'm just giving my perspective-he complains they don't rinse out there dishes-but neither does he. he complains that they are lazy, but he does almost no housework-and on his job he frequently leaves and comes home to watch tv in the middle of the day on the clock. all he does is bi*** and complain about other people. i asked him recently what it was that he hated about himself that he wants to make everybody else so miserable? that went over like a fart in church! anyway, i have told him that i cannot live with this much stress and aggravation-i'm ready to give up trying. so he tamed it down for a couple days. this morning he commented that i need to get on the kids about not rinsing their dishes- i commented that we were running late this morning to be to school on time. he accused me of defending them. i didn't see it that way-i was not excusing just explaining why they were probably not rinsed. another arguement that escalated to him saying all i do is defend MY kids-and then he went on to argue that if i wouldn't instantly defend them...wec would get along. anyway he says he won't never say another word to my kids, do anything for them at all, etc. will this work or not? my gut says no, but just curious. i know it makes me feel then why are we together-if he's going to block my kids out completely. how can we survive if he treats my kids as if they don't exist? how else can we solve the battle over him being too critical (complaining about EVERYTHING) and me trying to get him to see that it's what he says it it's how he says it(mean, nasty, demeaning, name calling) all i want is for him to not attack in a negative fashion and quit harping on the small stuff and all he wants is for me to quit instantly defending--but the arguements always take on a life of their own and move to him attacking me? is a divorce inevitable? will him withdrawing help or make it worse?

There is no way for those kids and him to live in the same house, or for all of them to be in your life - and all of them not be impacted by the liason.
Quite likely.......he's always resented the kids, gripped about the kids, and they were younger, you protected them, you were able t control them and their impact on him...and now that they're older you can't - and he's now takign the position he always has - only you can't get in between them prior to them upsetting him and smoothing things over.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
1) Our communication skills suck! We hear the words correctly but interpret them differently. Example: He says-wanna watch a movie? I say-I don't care. He interprets that I don't care (want to). What I meant was it doesn't matter.
2) We don't fight fair. We both bring up yesterdays and last weeks hurts. And I have a hard time being wrong. We both defend our positions with vigor.
3) I admit that I sometimes defend the kids and make excuses for them when they need to accept responsibility for their own decisions or lack there of. He admits that we can all do without the belittling, name calling, or just trying to use guilt or blame to get someone to act a certain way.
I go into an instant defense when I feel that he is too harsh with words or being too black/white. He needs to allow a little grey now and then, and I need to let certain things be black or white.
Where do we go from here? We cannot afford counseling at this time, but are a little lost as to how to get where we each need to be. We also both agree that learning to act differently than we have in the past is a lot easier said than done or that it's not an over night change.
So I come back to ask your help again. Can anyone recommend a few books to get us started or maybe a website that will help guide us into making these changes? I used to love to read and know if I go into a bookstore I will spend countless hours and who knows how much money vs a list in hand---get-in get-out method.
I will step out on a limb here and say that (before I met my DH) I spent seven long agonizing (but healing) yrs in counseling (and reading every book I could get my hands on) and have dealt with quite a bit from childhood (apparantly I still have a long way to go). He has never been to counseling or picked up a book on any subject other than sci-fi.
So are we like co-dependant, just a couple with communication issues, what? I don't know where to start. I can tell the symptoms, but don't know if it's a cold or cancer. I really don't want to continue being the defender any more than he wants to continue being the attacker. We both want to take responsibility for our own crap!
Again thanks for the outside perspective.
Sheri